Oh what a day, oh what a day. I’m eight years old and turning grey. Shel Silverstein
Do you all have sayings that just stick in your head? This one sticks in mine when a day is going horribly wrong. I even used it in my class when things were just off to a bad start. Often we would shut off the lights and have a start over to begin again. When Ryan was little he would get in a certain, exhausting mood that could only be changed with a nap. He would then wake up with a reset attitude that both of us could live with.
A friend asked me yesterday if it was okay to include another friend on our outing today. I reluctantly agreed. It was not that I didn’t want this person to come but that I am having a difficult time socializing with all but my closest peeps. My first instinct was to say yes then figure out a way to bail on the trip and stay home. But here I am dressed and ready to leave in twenty minutes. I did ask if I could sit in the back so I wouldn’t have to be so much of the conversation. Being an observer is easier for me right now.
I am really trying to get out with people. Katie and Jenn have managed to get me to the senior center a few times for lunch. Ronnie B gets me out for breakfast with friends or a beer at the Tub. Yes, we go drink beer at the tub. It is not filled with water but others who enjoy going to this, our local brewery. But my preference is to be home alone or with the handful of friends I feel like I don’t have to energy up to be around. The same is true of phone calls. I have a list of people I want to call. I mean to call. I say I am going to call. But somehow I just never do.
This sounds like a pity party but the truth is this long Covid has zapped my energy in more ways than
one. Not only can I not physically do what I did but emotionally I get exhausted from even a simple conversation. How can that be? This past week I have had extensive tests to investigate just why I am struggling with low oxygen and low energy. Even getting the answers both gives me hope and terrifies me. I am trying to remember even if not what if God has me and my circumstances.
My friend noticed that I seemed flat yesterday. I shrugged it off that I am all good. Why can’t I admit when I am in a funk? People want to embrace me even when I am down, especially when I am down.
So I will go on today’s outing, sit in the back seat and crochet, and wear my oxygen when I need to. If I need to just stay in the car for parts of the day I will be honest about that too. My heart wants others to let me into whatever is going on in their hearts. I need to trust my people with allowing them to see even my fears. Faith over fear is a great tag line but honesty is also the best policy. Others can’t let me lean on them if they aren’t allowed to see I am wobbly. Hope you all have an honest, wonderful day filled with those who support you.
In Him,
Joyful
3-6-24
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