I Want to be IN Cahoots with You so I Don’t Go Insane

 So I guess saying I’m all in has to be clarified. Where the heck am I all in? I think in cahoots seems best since I don’t have to go in alone. After all, I always like to be with someone. It is good i am allowed to take several trip to going insane. That does suggest that I frequently come out of it and that sounds like a good thing, I seem to always return so that may be concerning. What I really like is this play on words. There is a great book about which witch is which. I think it was called The Phantom Tollbooth about the joys of learning and how adults must keep it stimulating. Maybe I should have read it more often since I lived my life in a classroom. 

My greatest joy about being a special ed teacher was I got to do project based learning rather than worksheets. The best year ever was when we did inside out. The idea was to look at many things from the inside out to learn more about them. We took apart balls, tennis, golf, basketball and more to see what was inside and find out why. Then we made stamps with nuts as we learned why some had thicker shells and some crazy wiggles inside. The hint for that is weather. We also took apart electronics to compare and contrast. That got shut down when one of my middle schoolers went to the library to search for how to make a bomb from a microwave. Yes, I had the behavior, autistic and emotional kiddos. The most important inside out was looking at ourselves from the inside and recognizing that we compare our hurts to others outsides that look all perfect and mess free. 

I am so fortunate that I had students and their families for years not semesters. Many are still in my life and for that I am grateful. Although they drove me insane at times I am glad they are not incognito as adults. Sometimes I even get to be in cahoots with my Angelica when we are planning surprises with my Elissa. Now I think I will go in search of my copy of The Phantom Tollbooth and grab a second cup of coffee.

In Him,

Joyful

8-24-26

New Beginnings, Connections, and Prayer

Yesterday was a good day. It was an answered prayer day in many ways. Tanner started a fabulous job and Nate got a job offer which will have him starting in a week or two. New beginning for both of these sons of mine. Thanks to all who pray for them and their families. I could tell Tanner was tired but excited at the end of his first day. God is good!

There is a way back from even the darkest moments. Now to continue to pray for my children to be in relationship with one another. God can do all things and even this. The family trips we took when they were young should be a catalyst to conversations. I know it will come until then I will be patient and pray. 

Lots of new beginnings as school starts and families prepare for getting back into routines. Kayla is off to college while her family adjusts to her being a few hours away. Life moves from season to season. I am no longer stepping to the front of a classroom but can spend some time praying for those who are. What a gift my life with students was to me. The beauty is that many of my littles are still in my life as adults, parents, worker bees. Each of us continues to have a role to play even as opportunities shift and change. There wont be lesson plans or behavior goals for me to write but there are other tasks for me to engage in. I hope to stay connected rather than fading into the background. Whether from coffee dates, social media presence, or quietly praying and reminding others I still care. My job is not finished even though I am retired. God gives each of us opportunities in all phases and stages of life. 

Nate and Tanner are beginning new adventures that will plug them into a work family. The right job is not just about a paycheck but who you interact with during your working hours. I pray for these new opportunities and the relationships they will create. Now I need to go sit at the park and let our Cora dog chase birds. Perhaps a new friend will walk by and chat for a bit. Or better yet, I can take her to the dog park and have a meet up with other dog lovers. I hope you have a wonderful day whether you are on a time clock or at coffee with a friend. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-6-26

 

Passport Office took my Sparkle when They Altered My Image

 This was kind of creepy. It was time to renew my passport and so Ronnie B took the picture of me smiling. Some on Facebook thought the government wouldn’t accept it with the smile. I read the emails again and again and they did indeed accept the photo I submitted. Imagine my shock when my passport arrived a week latter minus my earrings, smile and other small changes. This is disturbing. That they would alter my image rather than declining it and asking me to send an appropriate photo. It doesn’t feel like me on my own passport that I will carry for a decade. I am not against AI but was disturbed that they used it for my identification. 

New technology has never scared me. In fact, I have mostly embraced it to improve life as I know it. Somehow I have to get past the eerie feeling of seeing my altered self, In October, we travel to Egypt and Kenya. Let me focus on the discoveries of this incredible trip rather than the haunting eyes staring back at me on my passport. 

What are your thoughts on AI? Are you curious to see how it will improve your life or cautious of how it will overtake tasks we typically do ourselves? I have mixed feelings but understand that it is now a part of our world. It is better to see how we can use this tool that is now here to stay. But please know that I would have gladly sent another picture through technology to get a passport with a real image of me. There corrections left me with haunting eyes that I am glad I don’t wear in my everyday life. It feels like they took the life and sparkle out of my eyes and my face shifted accordingly. 

In Him,

Joyful

2-24-26

Shut Up and Listen…..It Isn’t About You!

 I was in a meeting yesterday where everyone at the table had the same intentions. But the hurt that has been caused on both sides made them defensive and reactive rather than cooperative and goal focused. The staff at this meeting was at times unprofessional rather than supportive and encouraging. It broke my heart since we were meeting to come up with best practices for a student. 

I went through due process and had to leave a class I love because of us not being able to work together. The student or students lose when egos get involved. It surprised me that the meeting got so hostile on the school staff side. It was clear there were hurt feelings but that is no excuse for shutting down any strategies that came from the parents side. I was there as an advocate and my suggestions were not only dismissed but told hell no basically. There were a few in the room who held their composure and heard what was said on both sides. But it is clear that the conflict needs to be resolved and the focus needs to be on the student not the adults. I am disappointed in educators who would act this way. This meeting was not about them. I should have gotten involved a few years ago when I knew this parent was not getting what she needed for her child. No looking back but forward to working as a team for him. Leave your hurt feelings at the door so you can open your mind and your ears for moving forward in cooperation and a willingness to try new approaches. 

In Him,

Joyful

2-5-26

European Trip and the Most Heartfelt Encounters

 

What an honor I have been given to share my story with the most incredible people on the planet. This is Juan from Chili serving others with his contagious smile. To share our stories was a treat. He misses his Madre who is oceans away. I shared my book on losing my son and my faith walk after that loss with this twenty-six year old. He brought us dessert and insisted on a photo and a hug. 

For the past five years God has given me the gift of boldness to share how I live my life stepping out with Jesus always by my side. Hearing other people’s story as I gift them mine connects us in the most special way. God does that. 

This is Lexi. She is studying in Dublin for a semester. She will turn twenty-one here. I bought her an iced coffee and listened to her adventures and how she misses her mom. She is so grateful for FaceTime to connect. I got to jot a note in her book about how courageous she is in this adventure. 

Another book went to Jerome in Killarney who spends his day writing in his bakery. He doesn’t think anyone would be interested in his words but I did my best to convince him otherwise. Still another to a young waiter named Dave who was especially helpful and pleasant. He gave me my first ever gin and tonic. Okay I chose to drink that particular drink because of the pretty blue bottle. When I shared my book and my story, he shared the loss of a close friend to suicide two weeks before. He pushed up his sleeve and had a tattoo for Dylan on his wrist right where I have mine for Ryan and Hector. The embrace that followed was life giving. Connections bring us together in the most incredible ways. Then there was the young waitress in Dingle that had the scars of cutting up and down her arm. I shared how Alicia and I started writing because she craved the blade. Writing was an alternative to cutting. This waitress did not cover her scars but shared them with the knowledge that they were not to be ashamed of but to show what she had overcome. Each of us needs that lesson to share the hard things we have lived through.

Our trip was an archeology tour of Ireland  in the eleven days we shared our group became family  Each of us has a story that needed to be shared  I am sure many of us will become lifelong friends  As I gave each one my story in book form their own heartaches came out. Even our bus driver and guide had a twenty something daughter he needs prayers for. Connecting and expanding our prayer circle is the greatest gift of the trip  

Finally, on our plane from Dublin to Barcelona we were by the most loving young mother. She had two girls who were more than a handful. Her nonverbal daughter was overwhelmed with her first plane ride and shrieked most of the trip. Did this disturb others? Absolutely. But this mom did not let that upset her. She loved her daughters through this without ever apologizing for who they are or how they handled this terrifying adventure. I let her know in the cover of my book just how much I admire her for staying calm in the chaos.

God gives me opportunities each and everyday to connect with others and let them know how much they positively impact those around them. I am beyond thankful to connect with people and let Jesus be the center of each encounter. 

I left New Mexico with twenty-five books and have two left. I can’t wait to see who the next two are that will fill my heart with joy. 

In Him,

Joyful

9-10-25

Ronnie B and Me Traveling Life Together

 Two hearts, two hearts that beat as one. A long time ago, I fell in love with a high school boy who just captured my heart and my attention. Ronnie B some fifty years later is still the one for me. I love the image of these two hearts as they are separate yet connected. It makes me feel included and protected just as I feel with him. 

Ron and I just spent six weeks in our twenty-one foot motor home and it was a joy. We just work even in a small space. Traveling with the two of us is always a pleasant experience. He just does little things that show his love for me and hopefully I make him feel loved in return.

 At the beginning of our marriage we camped in a tent. Ron set our tent up one night specifically so I could see elk grazing the next morning as he woke me with a cup of hot coffee. I didn’t even have to get out of my cozy sleeping bag. That is how thoughtful my hubby is. Our recent trip he made me feel his love by parking our casita on wheels so that I could look out and see Puget Sound out my window as he handed me yet another cup of hot java. The little gestures of affection are the most memorable. Like when he got a rope and towed me to a reef in the Bahamas so I could see the turtles after I tore my mcl.. Last night, I got to bring him a piece of key lime pie from my dinner with friends. You see key lime pie is love language to my Ronnie B. 

Since we are both closing in on our seventieth birthdays we aren’t guaranteed decades more together. My hope is we continue to cherish each trip, each moment and one another. We are always enjoying our times together whether with family or friends or just the two of us. Our adventures apart give us the opportunity to share when we come back together. To say I love my Ronnie B and the life we have shared since we were teens is an understatement. I could never have imagined the love and adventure that have filled our lives. For that and for him, I am truly grateful.

In Him,

Joyful

1-24-25

Honored to have Taught as my Career

 Today is the first day of school for children and their teachers. The nervousness and excitement of a new year and a fresh start is in the air. Today I am praying for those who are all dressed up and enthusiastic. This year and for the past few years I have watched from the sidelines on the first day of school. But oh I remember all those days as a student, a mom and a teacher. What a privilege to have teachers pour into me and my children and an honor to be a teacher who got to pour into families. 

I used to think of my career as lesser believing society that teaching was not as important as other careers. Now I recognize that it is not only as important but is an opportunity to impact the lives of students and their families for more than just a single year. Reflecting on how a teacher made you confident by believing in you gives you the courage to stretch to reach your goals. Those arms who embrace you when you are bullied or stand up for you when you get knocked on your butt still matter years later when life punches you in the throat. A teacher has the ability to build up or tear down. Most cherish every opportunity to support and encourage. As with any profession there are a few bad apples in education. But for the most part people go into education to positively impact kids. Yes, I truly believe that. 

I wrote a paper in the first grade that I was going to be a teacher. It was always my dream. Now as I look back on the lives who I got to touch and that have touched me, I could not be prouder or more filled with joy for the opportunities I had to connect with families through education. Sitting here today, all the stress of standards and long hours fade as the smiles and hugs of kiddos come to my memory. Those kids who were at the time the toughest reached my heart the most. How I pray that they smile if and when they think of me as someone who cherished them along their journey to adulthood. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-7-24

Looking Forward to this Meet Up

 The going price would probably be around $50. an hour but wouldn’t the reward be even more if instead of money I gifted it? I am honored to have been contacted by a mom who is desperate to help her son with anxiety and a refusal to go to school. Years ago, probably eight years ago, I had her daughter in middle school. Later, I had her son in third grade for a semester right before I quit teaching in a classroom. This mom contacted me to say I was who she thought could help. My mind is blown that she would consider me worthy of spending time with her son. 

This week I will meet him at the dog park and chat about dogs and whatever he wants to share. I’m sure he has an idea of why we are getting together and the last thing I want to do is lecture him or even try to persuade him to get back to school. Rather I hope to let him share what he wants to share not over a coke and fries looking face to face but sitting beside one another on a picnic bench watching dogs romp around. 

I can’t wait to meet up with him and try to unravel what is going on. He is a bright guy who doesn’t follow the crowd but confidently has his own style. As a third grader he had long hair that was unique to him and once he came to school in a white tuxedo that he proudly wore. The snickers of others did not deter him from his style. I love that about this guy. Will I be of any help to get him moving from where he seems stuck? Who knows? But it will benefit me even more than him to get a chance to hang out with this young man. Spending my life as a special ed teacher that specialized in kiddos with emotional, behavior and spectrum concerns is the privilege of my life. 

Being a detective to see what would make life smoother for each student was so rewarding. When I figured out that one little guy ate his buggers because he couldn’t stand the idea of them in a Kleenex or the trash can, we were finally able to work through his disgusting action. Here we all thought it was the texture of the tissue that he couldn’t handle. One of my heartbreaking moments was when one guy with so many behavior issues told me that my problem was that I treated him like a normal kid. He was so convinced that he had no power over his actions and thoughts that he was hopeless. His concern for me that I would be disappointed if he didn’t change broke my heart. It wasn’t about me but about all the abuse  and ugliness he had been dealt in his short, twelve years of life. 

So you see, it is an honor to meet up with this young man this week. What I get out of it will be more than I put in which is more than any amount of money. Having former students and their families turn to me is beyond gratifying. I am pumped!!

Not This Too Will Pass But That Good Will Come From Even This

Not this to will pass but that good will come from this is my truth.

Something’s don’t ever pass but there is always good that comes from it if we just allow it. 

We live a life that will sometimes feel like a pile of poo. Whether it is from bad decisions we made or others made or just the way life unfolds. 

What I know is that each of us grow not from the sunny days but the days all hell breaks loose.

What we need to remember is that we don’t need to slap on a fake smile and say……

God said be thankful in all things. 

Remember He didn’t say be thankful for all things but be thankful in all things because He is with us and will walk with us to the other side whatever the other side looks like. 

Life is hard.

Don’t walk alone through it but hand in hand with those that are there for you no matter the circumstance.

Good will come out of all.

Even heartcrushing circumstances can make us that person who can be there for others.

Facebook groups give us a wealth of people who have gone before us and an opportunity to share.

Losing my son to suicide has been the most difficult event of my life. 

It has also given me a boldness and opportunity to share my story with so many others. 

With mixed emotions Ronnie B and I have been given the task of being there as others have lost a child no matter the circumstances. 

I know that I would change this part of my life if I could have my Scooter back in my arms.

But because he is not here I have walked with others in a way that is because I lost him too soon.

So although it is painful good did indeed come from his death. 

I would love to share my story with a copy of my journey journal in book form. Leave your information in the comments and I will send you a free book of my heart, my story. 

Share your story.

It connects us all and that is the good that comes out of each of our lives.

In Him,

Joyful

3-13-24

 

Old Folks Home Escape Diverted and What’s so Funny about Garbage

 

My son provides fire prevention systems to large businesses such as hospitals, rest homes, shopping malls and probably even fulfillment centers. He used to be a driver of an armored car. Collecting stories along with the bags of cash. Once there was an attempted robbery on his day off. The guy he worked with had to pull the trigger and stop the culprit. I’m so glad Cam didn’t have to live with that necessary response to danger. But this new career has it’s stories as well. 

Cam got a call from a memory care unit that one of the residents pulled the fire alarm. This immediately unlocked all the fire doors in the facility. Needless to say that was when the great escape occurred. Of course, staff didn’t really let anyone get in a dangerous situation but they were shocked that the doors unlocked. It does make sense to unlock but the commotion of alarms screeching sent many heading for those doors. I can imagine the scene to get everyone calmed back down. Too much excitement for one day I would say. There should be extra puddings for the residents and an after work beer gathering for the staff that kept everyone safe.

Those days that don’t go as planned are the ones we remember sometimes for a lifetime. I’m sure each of us could recall a few of those unexpected days. One that comes to mind with me as a teacher was when I was keeping a line of sight on a student who was a danger to himself. It was necessary to stay far enough back so he didn’t feel encroached on but close enough to see where he was running to. I came down behind him on the school’s staircase. He decided that I should not be following him and spit on the handrail. Yuck!! Needless to say I never, ever use a staircase handrail to this day. 

There were also the funny ones like when a couple of students on the spectrum became obsessed with the word garbage. I don’t know why but they both would just bend over laughing when they said that word. Soon I became Mrs. Barbage in their silly heads. I still think of the joy they had in calling me that goofy name that made no sense. I wonder if I ran into them now that they are in college if they would still smile at the sound of garbage and Mrs. Barbage. 

Think of those days that we remember. Then remember when we have a bad day it is going to turn into a memory perhaps for a lifetime. Glad those residents at the memory unit didn’t get their wings to wonder the once familiar streets on their own. I am thankful to those who care for our loved ones when we are unable to do so.

In Him,

Joyful

11-23-22

It Could Only be His Hand Placing my Hand and Writing in Hers

 Grab a second cup of coffee you are going to be scrolling this blog for a bit. 

I need to follow up on yesterday’s post of God giving me a gentle nudge and eventually I say yes. As most of you know, Leona, Susi and I finished editing my blog on the death of Ryan that I wrote for ten years. That was June 2020. The truth is it should have been completed months before that. But I hit a snag. A pitchfork size snag and just stopped. What time and opportunities were missed by that unnecessary delay. But looking forward in Him. 

Since putting my heart, my faith, and my journey on Amazon I have given out hundreds of books to strangers, in free libraries, and anywhere they might land in the hands of someone who needed the faith God gave me to walk through their journeys. Did I say anywhere? Nope. God has pressed on my heart to send copies to Lisa Harper, Christy Wright, Faith Womack, Erin Davis and so many others that guide me on their podcasts, YouTube channels and Better Together. The only book I sent was to Faith. She hosts How to Faith a Life every Monday and Friday.  But I digress. 

So yesterday got me thinking again or should I say guilting again about not at least casting the nets and sending the book to others who have platforms to share with so many more than I do. Yesterday, our Czech renter asked me how many books I have sold on Amazon. I can honestly say that I have no idea. It is not about selling books but sharing my journey and how I never had to take one step alone. 

Okay, now that is all background. Today Ron and I got up at 3:00 am to catch a 6:15 flight in Albuquerque. We eventually boarded the plane and sat for two hours before being deplaned. Can I just say that I always thing of Fantasy Island when I hear deplane, deplane.  Told you this was going to be a long post. But it will be worth it I promise. Then we stood in line with the rest of the herd to get new flights to get us to Seattle. Instead of changing planes in Oakland we now were to change planes in Denver and only get in a couple hours after our original flight. Plus we got 200. Vouchers to visit our grandkids again. 

Here we were in Denver rushing through the airport to get to our next plane and there she was, Christy Wright and she turned around when I shouted perhaps too enthusiastically her name. Earlier I had borrowed a pen from Ron and signed a book believing God would have exactly the person I was to give it to. I even took it out of my backpack and squeezed it into my purse. So when she asked me my name as I gushed over how much she had impacted my life, I knew. God was not waiting for me to get my book into one of these ladies hands but He put her hand in mine to receive it. A table set by Jesus. No way on earth this was not His doing. Will she read my story, pass it on to someone else? I have no idea but I don’t need to know because God knows and is directing my words and this book. What I do know is I need to get my butt busy and send it to others that He puts on my heart. Giving Christy a book was no more important than the one I gave the flight attendant who was so gracious to keep us all from being thirsty or getting too annoyed by the delays. 

Ron said I was star struck by meeting someone I feel I know since I listen to her faith and learn so much from her. But I am not star struck. I am God struck. It should never surprise me when I see how He designs the best possible way to share His love for me with others that He loves so much. Now I will say this, I am not at all cranky, exhausted or impatient with this next delay as we sit on the tarmac once again hoping this plane gets us in the air and to our kids and grandkids. What I am is exuberant. God has a plan to use my story, my loss. For that I am thankful even in the loss of my son. The connections that tragic day has opened up for Ron and our family are limitless. God knows. I can’t wait to see how His plan unfurls when I obey that little press in the small of my back to act. 

In Him,

Joyful

11-16-22

Fresh Start August

 August is a time for new beginnings. Some kiddos are already back in school while others are gathering school supplies to return after Labor Day. Either way there is an excitement as students and staff come back after a break to share their summer stories and begin a fresh new year. The binders are new and uncluttered but there is also a hope that this will be a year of friendship, learning and coming together. 

There are those who have school anxiety whether it is because of bullying, feeling academic content is too difficult or other insecurities. For these students there is not an excitement but a dread of returning to school. It is important that we recognize the angst these feel as they put on their new shoes and try to smile through the pain. None want to worry their parents with their fears but it is important to recognize that for some the returning to school feels like their worse nightmare. We need to support all of our kiddos and recognize that they come from different experiences and personalities. Imagine you were required to have a twelve year career where you were continuously evaluated by multiple people throughout the day. To make matters worse it is a career built on your weakness not your strength. For me that would be math but even math I can do. Now calculus is another story. Nobody is going to expect me to teach higher level math at the high school that is for sure. What we would need to navigate this would be strategies, support, and others to guide us not in judgement but in encouragement. When a worker comes to a task that is beyond their skill set a coworker is typically assigned to work along side them or to take over that component completely. Students need our understanding and support. We all know that we shut down when life gets overwhelming. Learning does not take place once shut down has occurred. 

Let’s make this school year fruitful for all students and staff. Perhaps next August there will be more looking forward to the new school year than there are today. As a retired special ed teacher I am not facing the school year in a classroom. But I can pray and ask how I can support my friends who are still in the trenches and their students. Putting them in my prayer journal is one way but actions matter too. So reach out and ask what you can do and I will do the same. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-16-22

Just Call Me Noni~I Will be Right There

 Ministry is an overflow of your relationship with Jesus. Priscilla Shirer

 

This is a season for me to continue to be a spiritual momma to young people. The truth is my role is becoming more of a spiritual Noni than a momma at this age. What I know is that I need to walk my faith and be present in the lives of others. I don't need to preach to them but just be present. Living my life immersed in God's word and trusting His presence in my life. 

I don't have to have fancy get togethers or plan elaborate meals. There was a season where I had Saturday morning breakfasts with teens and what powerful relationships were found around a pile of pancakes. As I have aged the breakfasts faded as those connections thrived. My teens turned into young women and mommas themselves. Life got too busy to meet up once a week. Saturdays became filled with them running between soccer games and ballet. Birthday parties and occasional one on one get togethers always included me. For former students they were finally able to call me Noni rather than hanging on to calling me Mrs. Barber.  Those Saturday morning breakfasts from a decade ago have grown my heart and my family as I get to love on them and their kiddos. What an awesome reward. 

Being a spiritual Noni to young families is such a gift. I receive so much more than I invest. The beautiful part is God places others in my life and grows new relationships along the way. Our hearts are incredibly flexible and can grow to include others without taking away from the relationships we already cherish. My hope is to always prioritize these chosen families. In a couple weeks, Ron and I will travel to Salt Lake City to be a part of a wedding with our sweet Nicole and Chris. Angelica is having a baby the end of June. What an honor that she wants me in the room when her son is born.  Leona has a precious place in my heart. She is responsible for getting my heart published and I can't imagine not being able to share life with her and her sweet family even if it is from afar. Libby is a personal banker and advices me and allows me to be there when she needs a helping hand due to injuries and heartbreak from a horrific accident that took her fiances life and left her broken. What can I say about Jess? She told Allen when my girls were ever present in our home when Ryan died that she was my favorite. He told her that I said they were all my favorites. That is so true. It is possible to have many favorites since they all mean different things to us. Absolutely Jess is my favorite. Her energy, enthusiasm for life and deep love bring joy to this Noni's heart. My Heather and her family have moved to Kentucky but will always be just a phone call away and in my heart and prayers. We have walked through so much life together since she first read my blogs and stepped into my heart. There are so many others that I could fill volumes not blogs with how they have impacted my life. 

Sister/friends my own age are so valuable to my life and I am grateful for each one. Being a spiritual Noni to younger women is something I will never retire from. The joy they bring to me is a part of my faith ministry and certainly a reward God gifts all of us. We are meant to walk hand in hand through life and loving and being loved is key. It doesn't take much to include others in our lives. It could be as simple as reaching something from a high shelf for someone at the grocery store or being willing to give a new mom an hour to herself while you  selflessly hold a sweet baby. The effort is small while the reward is life changing. Soon I hope my Barbara name completely fades and I become Noni to all.

In Him,

Joyful

5-9-22

I am beyond grateful for  

A Reorganized Kitchen with My Girl.........Where Did We Put the Spatulas?

 Kitchen organized~check, pouring out my heart and hurt to one of my favorite people~check, a most peaceful sleep~check. Now to find where we put the coffee cups..... No I am goofing. I have been wanting to reorganize and rid out my kitchen for a long time. Silly me put my plentiful bread making ingredients in a corner cabinet that you have to crawl in to find anything. So Angelica came up and we took everything out of my cupboards and drawers, wiped the crud out and put them in more logical spots. We donated boxes to a local charity because seriously who needs forty wooden spoons or three cookie ballers. I don't know if they are called cookie ballers but you know that thing you scoop batter in then squeeze to slide it onto the cookie sheet. I also admitted with Ronnie B's help that we lived forty-three years without a charcuterie board and perhaps did not need to take up that much space for the fancy one I bought. Someone at the thrift store will no doubt be excited to crowd their cabinets with it. Win~win!

So I have known Angelica since she was in kindergarten. She is my family in the sense that she was a resilient, energetic cutie that plowed through her broken family with endurance. That unstoppable attitude is now this young wife, soon to be a mom that shares her life with me. I am beyond blessed. She admits it was hard the first time she heard Mrs. Barber say a not so appropriate word but now I am her Noni and she is my treasure. After we finished busting a move in the kitchen that was a time filled with hard work, laughing and a bit of gossip, we sat in the living room going through the yarn she could use and that I could give. Some of you know just how hard this past year+ has been with losing my sister, then our son-in-love, Hector. All the grief I was bottling up just poured out on this young woman who calls me Noni and loves me so much. I kept apologizing for spewing all over her. She just hugged me and said we have permission to spew on one another since we are family and have spent our lives together.

She admitted her husband, that I picked by the way, finds it odd that she is so close to a former teacher. It is not odd. It is beautiful. After working so hard and the emotional release of our mostly one sided conversation I slept soundly when I laid my head on my pillow. What a gift this lady is to include me as her family. I am so thankful that I went from being Mrs. Barber her teacher to her Noni and friend. 

In Him,

Joyful

3-6-22 

Delight In Your Finished Product

 I have not been blogging for awhile. I am not sure what is going on with me since I know that Bible study then blogging first thing in the morning is my sweet spot. But I seem to walk away from my positive habits just when I need them the most. So a couple weeks ago was my sister’s life celebration. I knew it would be a beautiful, family filled day but I just wanted to be past it. Today marks six months since she died alone in a Covid Unit of the hospital after twenty one days of struggling. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that my sister is not just a phone call away. 

Although I have not been blogging, God has kept me busy finishing up my blog book about Ryan. I love that it connects Susi and I as we find one mistake after another to clean up. So it launched on Amazon a couple weeks ago and I was overcome with emotion. This feels like my testimony that God pressed me to share. What makes me smile is that after pouring over this decade of writing over and over again, Bethany looked at it on Mother’s Day and immediately asked why we spelled Foreword/ Forward. WHAT!! How the heck did we miss that? God keeps us humble.

So we revised that and now are on our third submission of the text. I have been obsessing over getting it just right. Yesterday, as I listened to a sermon while checking margins and spacing in the book. Pastor Madu preached on the sabbath. Resisting-a-rest was the title of his sermon. He pointed out that after God created the heavens and earth in six days, He looked at it and said it was good. Then He rested. But He didn’t just rest, He delighted in His work. Pastor pointed out if we get so caught up in improving and fine tuning a work it becomes a duty not a delight. At some point we need to be finished and enjoy the end result. That was just the word I needed. So later today Leona will upload the final edit and I will rejoice in the journey and the finished book. Are there some mistakes? I am sure there are. But it is finished.

During this time I was thinking about songwriters who sing there created words for decades to crowds who know each syllable. I can imagine that they think they could of and should have worded a phrase here and there differently. Or wouldn’t it be better if I had phrased it this way? But they are forced to sing the original song just as it was recorded. Their faithful audiences sing along and would not be keen on them updating the lyrics. I hope it doesn’t grate on them but that they can relax in their original words that obviously touched so many.

Not for what I have done, or what I will become. Who will love me for me? jjheller 

This lyric is right in my head when I need to cling to Jesus love for me always and all ways. I didn’t earn His love it was given freely. I am so thankful for jj’s words and am grateful she didn’t keep revising obsessively. So by the weekend my book will be complete and on Amazon regardless of an errant comma or extra space where it should not be. The path God has directed me to share my journey is not about perfection but grace and love. 

In Him,

Joyful 

Heart Kids and the Privilege to Walk Beside Them

 Privilege is a special advantage not enjoyed by everyone, a benefit enjoyed beyond what is available to others. 

It has been my privilege to walk beside young people through teaching, Young Life, and my children’s friendships. A few days ago one of my heart kids knocked on my front door. He stopped by to share his beautiful children and wife with me. As we sat on the bench at the park behind my home, Antoine shared his journey through addiction to faith and a clean life. With tears in his eyes he spoke of his amazement of the man he has become. This proud father is sharing his love and story with others. His journey is not one of shame but one of hope. What a privilege it has been to be a small stone in his path. 

It makes me smile as I recall Antoine as a fifth grader walking down the hall with a sharpei puppy’s head poking out of his backpack. He was bringing that gift to me for my birthday. Way too cute for words-the puppy and Antoine’s smile. This young man was a treasure whose father walked away from and his young, broken heart was not able to see his own value. If his father didn’t see his worth, how could Antoine? The gift he had was a Mom who loved him enough for three parents. The hurt of his father never went away but he had her steadfast love. Too often this single mom felt inadequate as her sons struggled in school and in life. The truth is that over decades of teaching she is one of two moms who impressed me most. Having the most challenging kids can break a parent or help them rise even with the weight of those challenges. 

What a privilege it has been for me to include Antoine and so many others in my heart family. Kids who are now young adults that impacted my life more than I could possibly impact theirs. I am beyond grateful that God gave me the opportunity to not only teach but to love and be loved through teaching. Today I am humbled and grateful to my heart kids who are also my family. 

In Him,

Joyful

10-17-20

Clean Closet, Donated Treasures and Time Spent with Young Ladies Who are my Family

Yesterday I spent the day with one of my students from school who has become a part of my family. She pushed me through emptying our spare room of all the boxes that we had stored from the remodel. What a gift of time she gave me. I thank you Angelica for spending the day with me sorting and donating way too much stuff.

Just when I thought we were done, Angelica completely emptied my closet and reorganized it. I was able to say goodbye to so many clothes and other stuff that was cluttering my closet and life with her help. Now the goal is to not fill it back up with unnecessary purchases.There are clothes I am excited to wear that I haven't come across in too long.

The good news is two of my other student/family members let me drop off all my discards on their doorstep and they kindly donate or sell the items for me. Last night Nicole and Jessie kidnapped me for a much needed Walmart trip. We had a blast. I almost said no since I had worked throughout the day and didn't think I had the energy. I am so glad I said yes. What a joy to have young people in my life to keep me out of loneliness.

In Him,
Joyful
5-3-20

Angelica Allows Me to be Her Noni

I am posting a beautiful gift that one of my former students and now my friend/family wrote for her essay on why she is pursuing being a teacher. How grateful I am to have Angelica in my life from the time she was five years old and now that I get to be her Noni.

My earliest, happy memory I have is from when I was seven or eight in the third grade. That is when I met Noni. For those of you asking who or what is a Noni, I will tell you. A Noni is a special person that is an adoptive grandparent. Meaning they adopt everyone that they meet, know or even love. My Noni helped me through so much. Some background information is that my family was abusive, alcoholics. Back on to my point is that my Noni was my special ed teacher. She always looked out for me, my twin and the rest of my family. She was the first person to tell me that it was not my fault and that I was safe with her and our school. She also kept an eye out for us. She always made us Noni tea and always made sure we were okay. She even moved put to the middle school with us when we went. I kept in touch with my Noni through my life even after moving back to New York., joining the army, and then moving back to New Mexico. She was the one that introduced me to my now husband and the one that pushed us together with one text. “Go to the house. It is an emergency.” She was the mother/grandma figure that came to my wedding when my other family didn’t. She was the one that adopted me into a family that I always felt at home with. For that I will always have her as my earliest, happy memory. She will be the person that I will tell my kids that she is their Noni.  I will tell them stories of the adventures we went on. She will be the memory that will continue to grow even after 13ish years of knowing each other. 

Angelica has had a.bad cold the past couple of weeks so she is getting Noni tea today. I will be responsible and drop it outside her door and not give her a hug. She FaceTimes me almost everyday to keep me from being isolated in this isolation. She met her husband when we were remodeling and she was helping me paint upstairs while he did finish work downstairs. What a gift to have this chosen granddaughter that God placed in my classroom so many years ago. She was the first to give me a heart rock after Ryan died convincing me that my collection didn’t die with him.

She and Abbi were meant for each other and I am so thankful they are a part of my life.

In Him,

Joyful

2-25-20

My Houze Girls

Oh how my life is richer and wilder with my two Houze girls and their families. I am always included and treated as a part of their family. I love that I have gone from Mrs. Barber when they were in my classroom to Noni now that I am in their lives. We have lived life together and I can always call on them when I need a helping hand but also when I need a good laugh.

They fill my home on Tuesday nights with stories that make us belly laugh. We share the losses of life and the victories. It is not just me who bestows wisdom on them but they school me on what it looks like from a young ones side. I have learned unspeakable things form them purely because there are no boundaries in our relationship. What a joy.

Yesterday I was invited to a six year old birthday party for Weston. Not wanting to veer from our over the top attitudes, I bough him a remote TARANTULA with oh so many batteries so he can scare Jessica for months. After the Pokémon party I was off to Santa Fe to finalize the purchase of our new table, chairs and buffet. Nicole and I were talking at the party while I held her sweet newborn. It occurred to me that her family may be able to use our old table and bufffet. She was thrilled. I was thrilled and that is how God lines life up when we let him.

My teaching days may be over and the classroom is no longer my stage but the heart connections formed through my days there are embracing me into this next phase of life. This morning I know I will get a hug from a couple of my kids who I now have to get on tiptoes to hug. What a wonderful gift these young mama’s are to me along with so many others that have touched my life and my heart.

In Him,
Joyful
11_3-19

My Antoine Almost a Decade Later

Antoine 

Antoine

Antoine

Just walking out to my driveway I saw two men exchanging my recycle bin. When one pointed at me and said, “I know you.” He lifted his sunglasses and there he was. Antoine, my Antoine all grown up and right here in front of me. I am sure I startled the gentleman with him as I rushed to hug this heart child of mine. I was honored to be his teacher for 4th, 5th and 6th grade at Mountain School. But my heart for this kiddo and his mom has lasted a lifetime.

Seeing him again after what we soon determined was eight years flooded both of us with emotion. We survived his father’s abandonment, his bad choices, my son’s suicide and so many other unbreakable heartstrings. We chatted for a few moments, hugged and hugged and I held his face in my hands just absorbing the fact that he was there, he was healthy, happy and doing well. After he left I shared with Ron and a friend how special this young man is to me. A few hours later he knocked at our door and wanted my phone number so he could bring his three kids to meet me. His son now eight years old was just born when Antoine brought him to my class to meet. That was the last time I saw them. It was the time I shared that we had lost our Ryan and Antoine sat on the floor crying with me over the loss. Too many times his mom had almost lost him. He grieved as much for the pain she had gone through as for my heartache.

Yesterday we reminisced how he snuck a shar pei puppy to school with its little head peeking out of his backpack. He was bringing it to me for my birthday. Others were surprised when I took Nixon home with me. Antoine’s face beamed as he handed me that adorable ball of cuteness. That is his heart to give to others. Substance abuse almost robbed the world of this incredible man. He is still that same giving heart. When I spoke with him about others struggling he told me to have them contact him and he would help. He attributes his turn around in life to Victory Outreach who took him in and then allowed him to help others. What a guy. I saw his greatness in an eleven year old boy and was so thrilled to reconnect to this twenty seven year old man.  I can’t wait to see his mom and meet his kiddos. We need to have a picnic in Noni’s park when the snow melts. Until then.

In Him,

Joyful

2-8-19A