Firefighter, Zach and His Wife Impacted Our Day with Their Act of Kindness

My cup filled with steaming hot, black coffee this morning says just this……..We rise by lifting others. I love this reminder. It is not about tooting our own horn but celebrating the wins of those in our lives. I love that there are people that I can lift up whether a family member, close friend, or a complete stranger in line at the grocery store. Isn’t it true that when someone else points out something specials about us that it makes our day? What a gift we have in our words and gestures to turn a down day into a positive one with a simple statement. 

Yesterday, a firefighter named Zach and his wife made my great grandson’s day at the store. He had been carrying around a firetruck toy that he knew we were not going to purchase. Sometimes just getting to hold a toy is enough to satisfy the desire for it. When we were in line Zach and his wife noticed Caleb and the toy. She said oh that is it. He has to buy it for Caleb. They did just that with fist bumps a promise to visit his fire station and share the book about Caleb’s grandpa. It just so happens that Zach knew of Ryan’s suicide and was glad that I was going to bring a book by his station. I will add to it the picture Elissa took of her son with his toy and the biggest smile. The kindness of this couple impacted to only Caleb and his Noni but the sales clerk and customers that witnessed our interaction. It matters to me when people knew my son, Elissa’s dad and Caleb’s grandpa. It matters that I get to share my book, my testimony of how Jesus walked beside me through the loss of my son. Oh how I wish that Ryan could be here to celebrate Caleb’s fourth birthday next week. But those who surround this little boy with love will remind him of his grandpa who he reminds us of so much. 

Opportunities exist even in a checkout line to life others. Zach and his beautiful wife had no idea the loss our family went through when they decided to buy a toy with a firefighter like Zach himself. But the connection it made came from the interaction. Who knows who God is placing in your life that needs a lift that you can give. Whether it is complimenting someone on the color of their shirt or noticing the smile that says how excited they are about something. There are opportunities that we need to grab rather than ignore. Nobody is offended when you open your mouth and say something kind. Let’s all be more like Zach and his wife. 

By the way, I can’t wait to take Caleb and my book to the fire station by the golf course and pay Zach back for his gesture that meant so much to this Noni’s heart. 

In Him,

Joyful

9-20-26

Stained Glass, Sea Glass, Tapestries that Let’s Our Life Shine Through

 

Just like a stained glass window can shine light through the tapestry of life, a piece of sea glass can weather the surf and come out as a treasure for someone to find. I love the imager of both of these. Jon Guerra wrote a song on stained glass. We are all stained it’s true but when the light shines through we all look like stained glass windows. 

None of us come through life without stains and rough edges. But when we add light and let those sharp sides get softened  even the hardest moments become part of our story. This past week has been filled with thunderstorms that came with downpours or rain and wind that could carry us away. It was so uplifting yesterday when the sun came out and I could get in my Fancypants convertible and let the sun warm my face. I am thankful for the seasons when I get to long for sweater weather after a sunny summer. When I think I can’t take another snowy day the new plants pop up in the garden. 

I remember back to a time that Ron and I were facing infertility and then adoption became our hope. Then our first little boy was returned to his birthmom’s arms. It was heartbreaking and celebratory at the same time. Adoption only works if every heart is at peace with it. Here we are decades later with just the right family. Our four chosen children have families of their own and even grandkiddos for our Ryan. We have older grands that are making their way through college toward their chosen careers and wee ones that are navigating first grade and preschool. It is just as it was meant to be and Ron and I just had to prayrfully believe that God had the right family for us. The beauty of adoption is that our family extends to the birth families that are such an important part of our lives and our story. I love that we have lifelong connections and then those who have just recently found their way into this family that was always theirs through dna. Recently, Cam’s Mom, Tammy, and his sister joined the family. Natalie’s sister on her birth father’s side came into our lives. She calls me Noni-ish since their is not really a word for our relationship. I love this growing family that Ron and I believed for and that is now the biggest part of our heart. 

Our story goes on like the tumbling of seaslass it gets smoother and more beautiful through the breakers. Nobody promises life will be easy but the fact that we don’t walk the shore alone is what makes even the stormy days beautiful. One can think of life as stained glass, sea glass, or a tapestry that is quilts scraps of leftover material into a warm, lovely gift. Jesus and those he places in our lives never leave us alone but are always present for an encouraging word and a much needed embrace. Oh did I leave out the laughter? Yes, the fun, foolery and laughter are also a light whether it is with little kiddos or old age mishaps. 

In Him,

Joyful

9-19-26

Psalm 139:23-34 A Daily Prayer on my Phone Just for Me

 I am putting this as the wallpaper on my phone. It is a prayer that I want to be reminded to pray everyday. This one is for me. Too often I hear God through the filter of how it can benefit others never really internalizing the verse for myself. This needs to penetrate my heart and returning to it day after day will help it do just that. I need God to reveal to me what is stealing my peace that keeps me from Him. What is it that I continue to hold tightly in my grip and why don’t I simply let it go and trust God with it? 

It cannot possibly be that I think I have more love or understanding of the circumstance that I am not releasing. Also, my head knows that God loves those I love even more than I could ever love them. He is also much more powerful and all knowing on how to resolve any given situation. But here I sit still clinging to my mom can fix it wand believing if I say the right thing or do the next step to solve a problem that it will somehow fix it. Clearly my efforts have not succeeded in the past. What makes me think my new efforts will prove more effective than what God can do? Too often I let it go just to snatch it back from His capable hands. It is exhausting!

This morning I was listening to a wise 98 year old pastor who shared this verse. I know I have read this verse often over the years. But his prompting to repeat it and let it hit my heart every day made me have hope. Hope that I can let God search my heart for what I need to lay down and what that letting go of can do for my relationship with Him. I want to rest in His peace, to dwell in His grace and trust in His love and kindness. It needs to hit my heart again and again that He has not only my life but the lives of my children and grandchildren in His most capable hands. This I believe but also hope to put firmly in my heart so I can rest. 

I highly recommend The Old Pastor’s Table as a YouTube channel that is filled with wisdom for a seventy year old like me but also for younger ones among you. This one I watched this morning and it had not only practical wisdom but verses that pointed to God’s will for my life. 

https://youtu.be/QCEuJgWPJa8?is=Bc1tJP0cX-7EzEn- 

Let me end with a reminder to myself. Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. He loves me and knows my worries, my wants, and my heart for others. I don’t ever need to carry these on my own but trust Him with not only my salvation but my entire heart. He has this. I can let go of the rope and let Him have it from now on. 

In Him,

Joyful

9-18-26

Enjoying the Me that I am Today

I hate to admit that as I reached my seventieth birthday, it occurs to me that I was more critical than approving pictures of myself. How often did I slip behind others because I felt fat? Or shunned away from an opportunity to get a photo with a loved one because I didn’t have on makeup or my hair was a mess, it is rare when a person is happy with what their mirror reveals and that breaks my heart. I spent too much time believing that I was not the pretty one. I allowed that perception to steal my joy rather than embracing the moment. 

Here I am with white hair and more wrinkles than I thought possible but when I look at the me in this picture, I see beauty. Funny that what society would say had lost the sparkle is me now seeing my own. 

Life is not only about how we see ourselves on the outside but who we are and how we see ourselves as we relate to others and how we live our lives. Recently, I have been looking back on the accomplishments of the years that got me to this place. I am beyond grateful that I got to be Ronnie B’s wife and my kid’s mom. That I was able to impact families of my students and Young Life kids is one of my most treasured honor. 

Sometimes you hear the question if we could advise our younger self what would we say.  Well, I would say accept yourself. Love and embrace just how God made you. Don’t worry if your hair is too thin or your knees are knocked. Rather love yourself inside and out. Then I would tell myself to forgive me for missteps because they may take me down the wrong path but they also will teach me lessons I need to learn. Lastly, I would remind myself to focus on the gifts of life rather than the what ifs that may or may not happen. 

Matthew 22:39 says to love others as you love yourself. So it is God’s plan that I love myself so that I can love others and form the connections that make life so rich. It is not being conceited or arrogant to recognize the gifts God created in me that can bring others to Him. 

Here I sit writing on my iPad on my back porch with my coffee beside me and my dog and cat competing for my attention. It is so still right now. No kiddos are playing at the park behind my house. There is just silence as I look out over our yard. I love being seventy, wrinkles and all. There are more years behind me than in front of me and I am at peace with that. What I hope is that I enjoy these moments, reflect on the more hectic ones of raising kids, and know that whatever my future holds will be mine to press into. Missing my kids has been replaced with enjoying the quiet time I get to spend with Jesus rather than rushing everyone off to school. Spending so much time with Ron and knowing how fortunate we are to still enjoy each other all these decades later. There is time to read, have coffee with friends, walk our Cora, and just sip coffee as the sun rises between the trees. 

The photo in this post does not look like my senior photo but I find it more beautiful in so many ways. Life has been challenging and there have been heart crushing losses along the way. But God has always been with me to take the next steps. Here I am a wife, friend, mother, grandmother and even great grandmother who gets to spend time with those I love. There is nothing not to like about Barbara Friedman Barber at seventy. I only wish I would have recognized how fabulous I am when I was much younger. But maybe I needed those doubts to get me to the peace I have with myself today. So I will pat myself on the back, smile at myself in the mirror and stand out front for the photo. I hope you will do the same whatever season of life you are in.

In Him,

Joyful

9-7-26

 

Loving My Kids Through My Changing Role as Their Mom and Trusting God with My Grown Children

How often through the years have I had to be reminded to get on my knees and turn my hands up surrendering my children and grandchildren to you, Lord. So often I grab my fix it wand and try to make things right in their circumstances. When they were small it was on me to protect and guide them through their early years. But as we know the job of a mother is continually diminishing. That is the way of life. Children grow from an infant needing all their needs meant to a toddler sitting at the table shoving chicken nuggets into their own mouths. Eventually, they don’t need us to drive them to all their practices but get behind the wheel and get their own their own. Then before we know it they are driving off to college and a dorm room that is not under our roof. 

It i difficult as a mom to release the control and protection we have over their safety. But that is our purpose. To raise children to thrive on their own with our prayers and listening ears always in the background of their lives. One of the biggest complaints my adult children have is that I give them unsolicited advice. Don’t get me wrong, I need to be present when one of them calls for a recipe or asks how to navigate a situation. But my role is not to pester them with how they should live their daily lives. What I have come to realize is that even if they take a misstep it is not the end of the world. Most of the time they will learn more from their mistake than they ever would from me fixing a problem for them. In fact, I am teaching them a lesson with each of my butting in moments. It can be that I cripple their growth by bailing them out over and over. Cleaning up their messes was my job when they were babies and needed a diaper change but eventually they needed to learn to pick up their own toys and manage their finances on their own. But it is os hard to put down my micromanaging wand and fade into the role God intended. 

A praying mom’s job starts before a baby is born and continues to her last breath. That is the consistency of motherhood. Loving and supporting our children even when their choices would not be our choices for them needs to be our focus. Lead with love when we interact rather than getting on our bully pulpit to pound some sense in them. After all, I have learned that I am not always right. Shocking but true. There is that question of how did you feel before you realized you were wrong. You felt like you were right. More and more often I am tuned into how wrong I can be in my thoughts, decisions and actions. Then I need to ask for forgiveness or correct my mistake. My prayer for me is to let love and kindness be the motivation in all I do just ads 1 Corinthians 16:14 says. I even had it tattooed on my wrist as a reminder. 

Forgiveness is mine. God forgives me and I need to forgive myself and then pray to do better especially with my own children. My seventy years of life have given me wisdom and the wises thing I can do is trust those I love to God’s loving hands and know that He loves them more than I do. That is hard to comprehend but oh so true. Trust, faith, love are what I need to hold onto when I sit in my home that is not an empty nest but one I choose to fill with others. Those precious children of mine may not lay their heads down under my roof but the memories are always present and my door is always open. Now Ronnie B and I share our home not with our children or even our grandchildren since they all have home of their own. Now we invite students, postdocs, and scientists to sleep in their rooms while they work in our hometown. What a gift to always have others in our home and to rest assured that God has His hands on our grown children even when we cannot physically kids them good night. 

In Him,

Joyful

9-5-26
 

Keep Our. Hearts Filled with Others until it Overflows

 All those who remain in our hearts even when they are no longer with us is proof that love lives on. Then there are those that we get to continue embracing here and oh what a heart full they provide. It has been so long since some have moved on to await our arrival above yet they continue to fill space in our hearts even in our lives. Yesterday, I saw something completely inappropriate and longed to share it with Ryan. He and I shared an off color humor that I can’t share with just anyone. My son embarrassed me while keeping me in stitches. More times than I can count, I had to cover my smile while trying to maintain a stern, mother appropriate glare. I so wish Ryan and my dad had got the chance to share life here on earth. They would have just got each other. My hope is that they are belly laughing about one another antics in heaven. It will be precious to see the connection they have built when I arrive home one day. 

 The people in our lives that get us and even those who just roll their eyes make life worth living. I love when someone brings out my playfulness and especially when they jump in with both feet. Life is serious. There are difficulties on our journey but it is better to bring joy even in the most painful situations.

 I remember after my dad passed and we were going through photos. We were all tearfully laughing at his antics. Then the phone would ring and we would answer with a cheerful hello. This shocked the person on the other end who expected us to be weeping and sad. We quickly learned to measure our hello so others weren’t thrown off. Then there was the time I found out that even in vitro woutldn’t give Ron and I a baby.  The surgery was done with a tube down my throat. I asked Ron to give me hot tea so I wouldn’t sound sad when we called our parents. Why do we feel the need to hide our emotions? The joy in pain or the pain in a door closing are both better when shared honestly and openly with those who love us. 

Others in our hearts and in our lives is what makes life worth living. This week we will attend a funeral for a son, brother, friend who died way too soon. Even in their grieve there will be laughter. His life will live on in the hearts of many in our little community. Embracing others with love is what healing is all about. Their family will never be quite whole again but they will remember him and move forward knowing he would have loved life if here and he is enjoying the one he is now immersed in with Jesus. I wonder what connections he is making up there with relatives who greeted him and welcomed him into their arms and their hearts. 

Happy in sign language is a gesture that shows a heart overflowing. Happy is when loved ones fill our hearts with love, laughter and memories. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-23-26

Compassion is Key, Faith in Heartcrushing Circumstance

That saying of pull yourself up from your bootstraps and get on with it is advice to tackle life on our own. The better advice may be to pause, pray for wisdom to move in the right response to what life is throwing at us. How many times have I rushed in believing I had the right way to handle a situation only to find out that my haste led me to the wrong actions? The older I get the more often I am aware that even when I know I am right about something, I can be wrong. 

This past weekend a family in our town lost their thirteen year old son to a tragic accident. Oh how I grieve for this family and all involved. Even as our hometown comes together to support this family the rumor mill is also sharing facts about what happened that may or may not be correct. I misremembered a street that I lived on for decades. How could my brain have not known the name of this street? But I knew I knew until someone pointed out that I was mistaken. Others are sure they know the circumstances surrounding this loss and sharing it confidently. First, does it matter? A child died. Second, the truth is not always found in the rumors even if you hear it from a reliable source. After all, I shared a fact about a street name that I lived on and I was wrong. Was I a reliable source? Absolutely not. 

What I know is that a family lost their precious son, brother, friend and are grieving. Our part is to give them the space they need to come together and pray for them. Whatever we can do to support others in a time of need is much more important than knowing the details of what happened and why. This hits close to home for me in a couple ways. When Tanner fell off the eighty foot cliff when he was a fifth grader our same community had many stories of what happened and why. Even though I am his mom and stood at the edge of the cliff while a firefighter brought him up on a backboard, I didn’t know what exactly happened. Even as that twelve year old son of mine is close to turning forty this year, I don’t know all the facts about that day. If I pretend to it is for my peace of mind not because I really understand. Bottom line is I don’t need to know but do need to have all the details. Again when we lost Ryan to suicide there were so many stories about the circumstances. People knew that they knew even as we as Ryan’s family can’t possibly understand all that was in his heart at that moment. Having compassion and loving others in difficult times is what our focus should be. 

Faith is the antidote of fear much more than courage. Someone told me once that they could not survive losing a child. I don’t think anyone has the courage to lose a child but our faith gets us through even the moments that are unbearable. I pray for the families involved in this recent loss. I also pray for those who have a need to know the circumstances rather than just embracing those who are hardly able to breathe from the pain. This is not me lecturing others. My first response was to know all the facts and even to share them. That’s how I know I misremembered a street name. This is me reminding myself that faith and courage are what I need to cling to even when my worst fears are realized. No family should lose a child. That is a fact that I know to be true. Please pray for our town and all who are grieving here. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-12-26

 

Am I Your Lighthouse Human? You are Mine!

I want to be a lighthouse human. A light to see that there is hope in any circumstance. To not be the one to minimize the pain or reality of a situation but to wrap my arms around others when the world is crashing.                                                                              I am beyond blessed to have people in my life that are  there for me when I am blinded by tears, grief, or uncertainty. Susi, Jenn, and Pat have walked beside me through the storms and always allowed me the room to grief while being close enough to reassure me that we can make it through even the darkest times. My survival depends on my faith and my family and friends to even be able to take one more step through the losses of life. Even when life doesn’t throw a loss but a worry over the outcome of a frightening situation, my people surround me and give me hope. They don’t pretend that all will turn out as I hope but that whatever lies ahead there won’t be a moment I have to step out alone.                                                        What comfort we can be to one another not when we sugar coat life’s challenges but rather just be present. Present to support, listen, and stay close enough to assure each other that none of us is alone. Life gets hard. Thankfully, there are also so many moments in life that are joy filled or downright silly. Our lighthouse friends are also there for us when we just want to have fun and be a bit ridiculous. The connection comes from walking life out together.

I hope and pray that each of you have those people in your life. There are of course more people in my life that step out with me but these three are my go to ones. Pat reminded me to go pee when my son, Ryan, died. Although she recently joined him in heaven, when I find myself busy and forgetting to stop to go potty, I wish she was here to remind me. Pat’s house was my peaceful place. I could go there and just be which was often what I needed. The coffee was hot and there was always plenty of pie to eat.  Susi has been with me for over fifty years. She has been my person driving through the night with three little boys to get to my dad when he found out he had cancer. Put up with my shenanigans in our college dorm and spent the summer we brought home a twenty-eight week preemie to take turns with two hour feedings. Natalie, our preemie is now a mom herself. Susi is special because she loves all the nooks and crannies of my weird and wonderful personality. To say I am random is the tip of the iceberg. Jenn lives across the street and knows when I need to be included or when I need to be left at home alone. We make snow angels, pass out random stuff to strangers just to brighten their days, and can sit having coffee for hours. We may not solve the world’s problems or even be able to fix what is broken in our kids lives, but we love one another and will jump in the car to make sure Tyler is alive or that Elissa is not overwhelmed. 

Look for lighthouse people. Be a lighthouse person. Let your lighthouses know that life would not be the same without them guiding your steps.

In Him,

Joyful

7-24-26

 

Hear, Receive, Respond, and Wait the Best Prayer Connections

 

I listened to a Bible teaching this morning on prayer. Megan Fate Marshman had a good prospective that I had not considered. There are four things that happen with our prayers…….God listens, God receives, God responds, and God waits. The first and last can be difficult for us. While God listens and holds onto our prayers, we also listen for Him and need to spend time not only asking but silently being in His presence. As He receives our heart response He allows us time to be still and rest in His comforting presence. Then when we are patient and near to Him the answers will come. Whether they are the ones we wish to receive depends largely on if our requests align with God’s will. The last is the wait. Sometimes prayers are answered immediately but at other times the wait can be years. What we need to know is to have faith that God hears us and wants what is best for us. He uses even the difficult moments to stretch our faith and help us connect with others. There is power in praying alone and with others. 

When Ron and I went through struggles in our marriage, a counselor suggested we separate. We lived in separate homes for years. My prayer and the one I asked others to pray over us was simple. Three words that healed our relationship. Under one roof. Those were hard years. A lot of tears, stress, and being harsh with one another. But the truth is that I cherish that time. It showed us that we belong together. We got back under one roof and a big part of that was beginning a routine of praying together. We would join hands, eyes open and bring the hard conversations to one another with Jesus in the center. It gave us both a safe space to share our hearts that were vulnerable and broken through years of unkindness. I love our life now and wouldn’t change the struggles we went through to get here. 

Prayers are powerful not only in changing our circumstances but mostly in connecting us with the one who is always present in our life. Felix, my six year old grandson, asked me what hell would be like and why we don’t want to go there. My answer is my truth. It is not about fire and brimstone or bashing of teeth. I believe the worst hell is that we are separated from God. His presence and those He places in my life are everything to me. Without Him it is hell. Building the relationship with Him day by day makes it clear just what His presence means in my life. When I don’t make time my life has a bigm gaping hole. 

Let’s all pray for one another not just say we will but share the words with one another right then and  there. God is listening, receiving, responding and waits on us as we wait on Him.

In Him,

Joyful

7-3-26

Ronnie B and Me Roadtrip at Seventy-Family, Felix, and RV Fun

 

Home again, home again after a five week journey in our casita on wheels. What a fun-filled trip Ronnie B and I had celebrating accomplishments of our grandkids, graduations, birthdays and just being present in life with our kids and grands. Here we are back home once again so many memories made along the journey. I failed to blog on this trip but that was because my mornings were filled with conversations, cartoons and just catching up. There is a routine when I am at home that lends itself to blogging. I get up early and do a Bible study with my coffee and then share my heart, my faith, and my life on this page. So here I sit back in my spot on my mom’s couch which she gifted me when she journeyed to heaven. My coffee is hot after a third zap in the microwave and I want to share one thing that has blessed Ron and I. 

 Natalie and Nate entrusted us with Felix for a few weeks. He left his home and jumped in the rv for an adventure with Noni and Papa. This is our second trip with him and he is pure joy and wonder. Always up for what comes next. He is convinced that he picked out all our camp spots and confidently said he found the perfect one each time. The last one had a pair of stray, black kittens that we watched bounce around and fed. Felix reminds me that we are to take life as it comes and be glad in it. He had a broad idea of how long we were traveling and the states we would pass through getting from Washington state to New Mexico. But mostly he put his faith in us believing that we had great plans for him and he would simply go along for the ride. 

Isn’t that how we are supposed to have faith? Believing that even in the worst moments God is with us and will never leave us to deal on our own. There were a few rough patches on our trip. Felix hates blood and gets in a panic not when there is blood but even at the prospect that there could be blood. But knowing we were there with him helped immensely. I feel honored that what usually takes Mama’s kisses and warm hugs could be calmed with Noni and Papa. 

 Felix has not asked to go home but enjoys sharing FaceTime calls with his parents and Auggie multiple times a day. I am sure Felix being gone has been hard on his almost three year old brother. But Auggie is getting all his parents attention and having adventures of his own with them. It will be lonely when Felix returns to Washington but this time with him has been one of the greatest gifts we could receive.Ron and I learned about Pokémon and so much more that Felix could teach us. We were blown away at how well he reads for a kindergarten graduate. It was apparent that we could not be sneaky and spell things because this kid is sharp. His reward when we arrived in Los Alamos was a binder specially made for Pokémon cards along with a pack that he spent time organizing. He assured us that he didn’t need our help and quite frankly didn’t need our input to get it filled. After all, he knows more about these cards than we do and we would only mess it up. Such a joy this kiddo that I get to have as a grandson. 

Thank you Nate and Natalie for allowing us the pleasure of spending time with your family and then trusting us to take Felix, your little man, on this trip with us. I hope there will be many more in our future. After all, Papa and I have the sign on the back of our Chinook……..Adventure before Dementia. And so far at seventy, we are still able to drive and take these fabulous roadtrips. Heck, we have even got enough energy to hang out with all the families and friends. Last night, our granddaughter, Elissa, came over with her two and almost four year old and Felix played in the back yard for hours. I will say that Papa and I slept soundly in our own bed with Felix on a Noni made bed on the floor right beside us. It is good to go but it is also so good to be home. 

In Him,

Joyful

7-2-26

Moving on up in a Variety of Ways

 Moving on up………tis the season. Graduations, retirements, new jobs, summer trips are moving us from one bowl to another. Hopefully, bigger is better. My third grandgirl is graduating high school and her families home life will never be quite what it is right now. I remember thinking that turning forty would surely be my favorite since all my four kids were still home. Here I sit at seventy in my son’s house helping with the bustle of turning the page on high school for now his second daughter. My hope is that this bigger fishbowl and new adventure is not only filled with more water but color, light, new relationships and joy. Whether someone is graduating from kindergarten or retiring from a loved lifelong career, there are mixed emotions of anticipation and the grief of moving away from relationships that have meant so much. Life is full of hellos and goodbyes, new beginnings and last moments. Treasuring all with photographs and memories that may fade but will always be a part of the fiber of who we are is key. Even when the path gets rocky there are lessons to be learned and even an occasional smile at the oh shits of life. All the tears of the final moments are accompanied with shared smiles over what came before. 

Kayla is moving off to college a few hours from home. Felix is going to first grade to learn even more about reading, writing and ‘rithmetic, Lissa completed phlebotomy and will start nursing school in the fall. Our grands are moving forward in wonderful ways to embrace the world. As I write this blog, Millie, my four year old grandgirl is reading over my shoulder and tells me she wants to ride her bike, do crafts, and learn to swim this summer., go camping,, and spend time with her Noni. I may have prompted her on that last one. 

Life is good but it can also be challenging. Thankfully, we have others in our lives to move along the path with us. Even when we are states apart there is always busy chats and phone calls to share what the heck is going on. I am so glad that Papa and I can travel in our little rv. It is best when we visit families of our kids with our own beds just outside on the street. Papa’s code for he is going to take a much needed nap is that he is going to feed Cora her dog food. I believe they are on to us old folks and our need for a bit of quiet and rest. See even we are in a different season of life. Enjoying family but also time to recover and kick our feet up. 

My hope is that you have a sincere filled with others. People you love and want to spend time with. Summertime is just what we need to throw on our flip flops and crank up the barbecue for a bit of charred food and friendly conversations. 

In Him,

Joyful

5-31-26

Let’s welcome June and the warmer weather with a look to the future and all that it holds. 

Time for Forgiveness and to Get the Back Story before Judging Other’s Words

 

I admit I have never seen The Sound of Music. Why? Because when I was supposed to go with my family as a child, I was being punished and my mom didn’t allow me to go. So I had to stay home and lay in my bottom bunk while they went. I knew that my mom was disappointed in me for my actions. It was probably when I was little.  But I still feel at seventy that I am not deserving of watching this famous film. 

Last night, a lifelong friend who knows this history told me at our brewery when the movie came up in conversation emphatically that I need to watch it. Her exact words were and I quote….Your mom is dead you can watch The Sound of Music. Needless to say, the other people at the table were shocked. That is because Julie and I knew my story but they did not. Out of context that sounds not only bizarre but messed up. 

So I trust my friend that it is time to sit my butt down and not only watch The Sound of Music but enjoy it quilt free. Not only because my mom would approve but because I need to accept her forgiveness and stop punishing myself for something I did when I was a kid. But because I need to forgive myself for my bad choice back then. I shouldn’t have done it but it is over and time to let it go. Thank you Julie for remembering my heartache and for knowing me so well. We didn’t fully explain to the others but enough for they got it and the conversation moved on. 

 The lessons are clear. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and don’t always judge what you hear. You should clarify if something seems off. Isn’t life easier when we are slow to be offended and when we are capable of forgiveness, not just for others but especially for ourselves?  How can we love others as ourselves if we are holding onto grudges over our past? Let it go……..that is Julie’s best advice. She also is aware that I chose not to go to a musical of The Sound of Music with my kids and grandkids in the next couple of weeks and why I am not attending. You see Julie is my friend but also her daughter and my son married and are raising our four grandkiddos. We are both traveling to Washington to attend our shared granddaughter’s high school graduation. Embracing forgiveness for myself would have allowed me to fully participate in all the festivities. Hmmmmm Julie is a wise woman, friend, mother, and grandma. Who knew? Maybe I should have listened years ago.

In Him,

Joyful

5-23-26

Tanner’s Words. His Heart are the Best Gift Parents Could Receive

 Yes I got it…… Thank you mom and Dad. I cannot express how grateful and thankful and how lucky I am to have been given to two of the most kind, caring, loving, generous people on this earth. It does not surprise me when I run into shitty people, who lack all morals, who always only think of themselves and how they and everyone around them can enrich their lives, because that type of person seems to be almost everywhere we look I feel like. What does surprise me however, is when you meet, run into, work or best yet, get to be raised by people who actually care, love, support and give the shirts off their backs if someone else was in need of it more than themselves. And God blessed me and Natalie and Cameron and Ryan all with the most beautiful and incredible and brilliant couple to be raised by because he knew that you two had the strength, the courage and most of all, the love that is required to not just raise a family, but to help us grow into who each of us are today. You loved me enough to say no even when it hurt you the most because you knew it’s what was best for me. You had the wisdom to know that just giving me everything I ever wanted in life wasn’t going to help me. 

This time I have spent being sober again, finding myself again, has given me a lot of new perspective that I hadn’t seen before(probably because I didn’t want to see it), or deal with it or take accountability for.  Using drugs for a decade really takes a toll on a person’s body, psyche, faith…. The amount of shame and guilt and disgust and disbelief I had about myself and my actions made me sick to my stomach all the time and continuing to use drugs just continued to numb me and keep me sick in my mind and body. And I finally have found the true me again, and it is all so clear to me now that if I were to ever choose to start using again would mean I have given up in humanity, I have given up in faith, I have given up in love and care and compassion. 

But then I think of my parents… and think of how they raised 4 kids without ever having “idiots guide to…”. I think of how you guys have endured so much pain in losing a son, a brother, a mother, a father, best friends…. And you still have the strength and the courage and the faith and love that you show all of us children all the time in your endless love and giving and it empowers me, it strengthens me and gives me resolve and today I want to be a good person, I want to be a best friend, I want to be a loving boyfriend and husband, I want to be a brother that my sister and my brother can always not only reach out to but can look up to and admire the qualities that my parents have instilled in me and that I try my best to mirror every day. 

If it weren’t for such a loving and caring Dad I wouldn’t know how to do anything… You are one of the smartest people I have ever met Dad. You showed me how to fix cars, ski, camp, scuba dive, build literally anything I want, shown me how to have patience and take my time with everything I do. 

If it wasn’t for you Mom I wouldn’t know how to be a risk taker, take chances in life, I wouldn’t know that it’s ok to be vulnerable and let my guard down. You showed me how to learn to listen to myself. Because of you I learned what my skills and strengths are and that I am very smart and talented and confident and a true leader. 

Both of you instilled in me what it is to love unconditionally.  I literally could go on for days giving you both example after example of what you have taught me or shown me how to learn for myself. With every day that passes and as the years go by quicker and quicker the more I admire both of you. The more I love and appreciate you and wish that we could just spend more time together. 

I know that with all of my past transgressions in this life words may fall flat, texts don’t truly portray feeling, and that I am never going to exclaim that I will never mess up again or fall short being a son, a brother, a father, a uncle, a friend because I know the sometimes reckless, risk taking does not always do the right thing or make the right decisions. But I just want to make sure that for the rest of my life I will never take you guys for granted, I will never doubt your love and compassion you have shared with me and I will spend the rest of my life  striving to be more and more like you two because you are the people I love and adore more than anything else in this life and I don’t want you guys to ever forget it. Even if you have to print out this text thread and slap it on the fridge to forever remind you guys I love you, I appreciate everything you do, I appreciate the people you are and the person you have raised in me.  

Mom I hope your 70th Birthday was something memorable and Dad, I hope something you do on your 70th b-day will be something unforgettable as well. You guys deserve anything and everything you want in this life. 😁😁🥰🥰🙄🙄🫶🤟Your son, Tanner

Best gift parents could receive. 

In Him,

Joyful

5-17-26

Mayve is Two, Woohoo!

Our great-grandgirl is two. Sweet Mayve is our granddaughter, Elissa’s youngest. This little one is so independent and sober. She can surely get silly but most of the time is quite serious. I adore how her brother cares for her when he isn’t knocking her down or stealing a toy. He has a tender heart for his sister and she always wants to know where her Bubby is. Kids do so well when they are gifted with a sibling. 

Elissa made MayMay’s birthday such a great Mother’s Day celebration. The zoo with other moms and then a party at a trampoline/arcade/pizza place. It was good to see her interacting with other littles. 

 In this second picture, she was observing what was going on around her as she often does. It reminds me of her Uncle Tanner. He would stay back and watch before jumping into the activity. I love how littles remind us of our own children when they were small. 

I am so fortunate to get to have Mayve, Caleb, and Elissa in our small town so I can be present in their lives. Today we get the opportunity to go to a graduation celebration for Lis. She is rocking it as a mother, student, and especially granddaughter. We are here to support each other and enjoy the moments life slows down enough for us to just be together. She has applied to nursing school and should start in the fall. Please pray with me that everything falls in place for this sweet family. 

In Him,

Joyful

5-13-26

Happy birthday Mayve……Noni adores you and yes, I will get your beefy legs. 

To Have and To Hold, I Want to Live This

 We hear this line to have and to hold in wedding ceremonies but perhaps it should apply to other areas of life as well. Today we seem to be a society of toss it out and replace rather than fix and repair. This simple saying describes my Ronnie B. He would rather repair and hold onto what we have than recycle and get a new anything. 

To have is what we already own or have in our world. I never thought about this line in our vows but the promise is to hold not release or discard. I love that. As many of you know Ronnie B and I were separated for several years. Even in that difficult time in our relationship we continued to bring the family together every evening for dinner. Not knowing how our story would evolve was hard to hold onto hope of a future together. But we never gave up and a little kidney stone brought us back under one roof. I was in agony and went to stay with him for nurturing and nursing. I never left. We began praying together bringing the hard conversations together with Christ in the center. Life has never been better since we still have one another and hold on to our relationship that is half a century in the making. 

Some would say the brokenness was too much to repair but I am forever grateful for that season that showed us just what we have but also what we should hold onto and not throw away. Would it have been easier to just part ways? Absolutely. It took real commitment and getting past hurts to come back together. But I am convinced that our lives would not be the great love story that it is without walking through those hard years. I am forever grateful to my Young Life girls and there three word prayer for us……under one roof. When we got back into one home those girls believed as do I that their prayers were answered. Susi even stitched it on the quilt she made and repaired for us. 

I hope to embrace the to have and to hold in my life. The desire to get something shiny and new only to discard what I already have is tempting. But what a gift to have an old sweater or that comfy couch that used to be my mom’s. Yesterday, I found out that the insurance company didn’t total my car from when I hit a deer this week. My Murano was my dream car but I had been researching other vehicles just in case. I didn’t find anything I would love as much. So I was thrilled when they said they would repair my Deville, yes that is her name. I have her and now I get to hold onto her a bit longer. Last night, the power went out and this morning our microwave wouldn’t worked. I was bummed I couldn’t reheat my coffee. I love this microwave and worried it was toast. But Ron unplugged it for a bit and it works just fine. I get to hold onto it for hopefully many years to come. 

To have and to hold not to toss and replace is the way to live life. It never really hit me that this little phrase in a commitment ceremony was to cling to what we have. I love that. I love my Ronnie B and the life we share because this part of our story kept us from moving forward without one another. Our amazing love story is not all romance and roses but that is what makes it so precious. I plan on holding onto my man for as long as God keeps us both this side of heaven and then reunites us there. 

In Him,

Joyful

5-9-26

Enjoying the Sunshine of My Life

 The past few weeks I have been feeling like I have something wonderful to share. I am not sure what exactly but just a glow that seems to be present. The truth is that it has been an April to remember since I turned seventy and people I love came out to celebrate me. At the same time, I had to say goodbye to one of my closest friends who journeyed to heaven unexpectedly. Somehow I am so happy for her. She always knew she would be in God’s presence and shared her faith to make heaven a bit more crowded when she arrived. I have been trying to assess why I have this feeling of euphoria. But does it really need to be explained or should I just embrace this positive vibe that is in me? Perhaps I am grateful for what life is in this moment. 

Let’s see……..there was a time in my life that I doubted I would ever be a mom or have a family. Here I am with my kids, their kids, and even their kids. My heart is full of a family I didn’t dare to imagine.

A few years ago, long covid laid me in my bed on oxygen 24/7. The exhaustion was isolating and overwhelming. Having lost my sister to covid, I didn’t have confidence I would survive or ever walk through an airport again out of a wheelchair. Here I am oxygen free or at least supplemental oxygen free. I guess my lungs decided to heal and allow the oxygen around me to be sufficient. My energy is not completely restored but I have learned to budget it to do what I want to do in life. 

I have been jealous of others who have friend circles. Now I have a group that includes me and that makes me feel a part of. The beauty is that there is no pressure. I can show up when I can and that is enough. This group of about twenty is fluid. Everyone travels and has other commitments so there is no judgement when someone is not there. Feeling embraced and loved by this group has been powerful to my mental health and squashes my orphan spirit that plagued me most of my life. 

For most of my life I have not felt beautiful. Plain Jane is how I would describe myself with my mousy brown hair and normal features. I struggled with my weight and never felt pretty. Funny as my face wrinkles and my skin becomes crepey, I am finally seeing the beauty that is me. Beauty is not about big blue eyes or a model body. It is about my heart for others that shines through my eyes. Perhaps I am finally seeing myself as my daughter sees me. A random, selfless person who loves others and that is where my beauty lies. Okay, it helps that I am thinner with Zepbound and have been treating myself to self care at All Dolled Up with Pricilla. She is magic with facials and adding eyebrows that I always longed for.

Ronnie B and I are celebrating forty-nine years of marriage next month as we both slip into our seventies. The love of my life is more my best friend and encourager as we age together. How is it possible that we enjoy each other’s company more now than ever before. Life has not always been easy but we have weathered the storms and ended up here still in each other’s arms. Oh how I adore this man of mine. He is incredible. The smartest person I know. Heck, he even knew about hippo’s spinning tails while they poop. How did he know that. I found out because Caleb, our three year old great-grandson is fascinated with animals pooping on You Tube. We will be heading out in our little rv for six weeks soon. I look forward to snuggling up just the two of us traveling together. Hot springs along the way have become our routine. I love my Ronnie B even more now than ever before. I feel more loved by my Ronnie B than I ever have. What a gift that is to both of us. The fact that we genuinely enjoy being together. 

Now that I think about it, I have so many reasons to feel optimistic and grateful. Life is good, better than good. Life is fantastic. My advice is don’t wait until you turn seventy to see your beauty and the beauty of your life. Even in the struggles there are moments of sunshine.

In Him,

Joyful

5-2-26

70 will Surely be the Best Decade Yet!

 Apparently, I am no longer in my 60s. I love that my grandgirl decided to celebrate me with this gathering. This seventy decade promises to be the best one yet. Not that I didn’t enjoy each decade along the path to this one. They all had their own joys and heartaches but ultimately led me to who I am today and the community I get to enjoy. 

Before this birthday,  believed that 40 was the best and it was. All my kids still lived at home under one roof. I knew that by 50 they would be out finding their own path so I relished our time as a family of six. 

Those were the good old days and here I am heading into my older days as a retired Noni to grands and great grands.What a gift to have Ronnie B, the love of my life, beside me to enjoy a beer at our hometown pub, trips overseas and in our Chinook casita on wheels, and all the family and friends that make up our community along the way. 

A couple days ago I was treated to a massage. It was incredibly relaxing as well as eye opening. Here I am at 70 and I have no chronic pain, no incontinence (tmi), and a health that I doubted only a few years ago when I was tethered to oxygen. Well, the oxygen is just at night now and I have joined a gym and walking with Ronnie B once again. That season of long covid taught me that the world won’t fall apart if I slow down and don’t micromanage every little thing. 

There is more time for Bible studies, writing and hopefully podcasting at some point. I love the life I live now and am so grateful for all the life that has come before to get me to this moment. The heartbreak of losing our son and too many loved ones have had silver linings that we never expected. Losing Ryan gave Ron and me the opportunity to walk beside other families through loss. It provided me with a boldness to share my faith through the journey of losing Ry with the book of blog entries that catalog how Christ stayed close through the decade after. Easter Sunday, tomorrow, marks sixteen years since we lost our son. The lessons we learned and the lives our story has touched could never bring Ryan back into our arms but we know that it matters that we shared our grief and faith with others. So I want to share a few lyrics from a song that is my truth about what the future holds for each of us when we are finished having earthly birthdays. 

This is our last goodbye. 

We won’t have to say it again.

The next time we meet in heaven we will be.

This is our last goodbye. 

Last Goodbye Spotify

Until then, I look forward to life in my seventies and hope I am still sharing my stories at eighty and beyond. Today will be a glorious day of good food, friendships, and a whole lot of laughter. I guess it is time to jump in the shower and get ready for the decorating crew to arrive. I will post pictures in case you aren’t here in person. Again, thank you for reading my heart, my faith and my story.

In Him,

Joyful

4-4-1956 oops! 2026

I Appreciate Your Prayers

 How do you be there for someone but not overstep? I want to be available to Pat’s daughter who just lost her mom. This is a time when it is all about Stacey and her kids. Losing Ryan taught me that at a time of heart crushing grief, it is hard to be honest about what I needed. Stacey has lost not one parent but now two. While she was busy planning for her dad’s service next weekend she lost her mom suddenly and unexpectedly. While she prepares for relatives and friends for her father she is also meeting with the church and having her mom cremated. How can that be? Too much for anyone to handle. 

So I want to go with her to the church and support her. But I don’t want to be one more person for her to deal with. It is about her not about me. So how do I convey that to her, so she can be honest that she needs me or that it would be too much to have me there. 

Isn’t it hard sometimes to read if our good intentions get in the way of what others need? All this to say that I would like prayers to know whether I am journeying to Albuquerque tomorrow or staying here to pray for my sweet friend’s daughter as she navigates the impossible. Thanks ahead of time for your prayers not only for me but for Pat’s family and loved ones. 

In Him,

Joyful

3-29-26

My Two Pats are Together Enjoying a Heavenly Reunion

 My two Pats………Oh how I envy you spending time together in heaven. There was a bond there that I got to enjoy. You two were my yes gals and prompted me to say yes rather than no to the joyful life experiences. 

My mom never said no but yes let’s do that. When I called her up in Arizona and told her she should pick up Elissa and drive to New Mexico so we could take Natalie to Tennessee, she said okay I am already packing. That resulted in a two week adventure on roads we would never have traveled if not for Mom’s yes. We taught Elissa to swim in the hotel pools and got Natalie to Dollywood for her summer mission. As I get older, I need to remember to consider the yes and not knee jerk my response of a no. 

Sunday the 22nd of March, Pat had a wonderful day with her daughter’s family. It was a day of connecting, laughter and great food. Then on the way home she had a stroke and got to meet her Jesus face to face. What a way to travel to heaven. No long illnesses just here enjoying life and then in His presence reuniting with all those who are already there to greet her. I am heartbroken for myself that Pat is no longer here. She is one of my first calls for prayers or to share the joys of life. Even now I wish I could call her to tell her how much I am going to miss her constant presence in my life.

 Pat was the heart that touched all my kids from the time they were young. A couple years ago, Natalie stayed at Pat’s while she went to school in Albuquerque. Her home was always a refuge and open to all who needed a place to stay. I could just go and crawl into my bed at her home without having to explain that I couldn’t speak but needed to be in her presence. Pat never demanded. She just loved and was available. When Ryan died, I put her in charge of making sure I went to the bathroom. That sounds strange but she took her job seriously. On one occasion as I was dashing off to check off a task, she called me into the hallway. My first thought was what now! Then she hugged me and told me to go potty before doing the next thing. I love her for that. I love her for loving me and my kids. I love her for the quilts she lovingly created that keep me toasty warm and hugged by her even now. I love her for the laughter and the figuring out problems together, for the prayers, for the bologna, cheese, and potato chip sandwiches, for the rest and comfort. I love her. 

I am a bit jealous of her trip to heaven so flawlessly. If I could sign up for my exit plan, I would copy Pat’s. She touched so many with her lovely quilts and open heart. I hope to be more like her when I turn seventy in a couple weeks. She had seventy years here and used them well to love others and share Jesus’ love with them. Her faith was clear in the way she lived and the way she loved. Good job my friend, my sister, you finished well. I adore you. Give Mom and Ryan a hug from me.

In Him,

Joyful

3-24-26

Aunt Helen Dancing and Rejoicing in Heaven with the Love of her Life

 Sweet, sweet Aunt Helen……..went to be with the love of her life yesterday. She was months away from her hundredth birthday but God called her home into His arms. I love the heart of our aunt. Ronnie B and I raised our boys near her in Northern California. Holidays and family dinners were spent on her and Uncle Raymond’s ranch. My favorite was Easter. Aunt Helen would hide the eggs over and over for the kiddos to find. The kids got tired before she did. She and Mary, my mother-in-love, were such close friends. I am convinced they are up there taking shots of tequila and catching up.

The last time we saw Aunt Helen, Elissa got gender reveal cupcakes for Mayve. Myra, Helen and Donna all took a big bite and were excited to see the pink frosting inside. Myra is Helen’s oldest daughter and she went to heaven after a valiant battle with pancreatic cancer shortly after our cupcakes. This picture is so precious. 

Our family will miss Myra and one of our favorite aunties but we know she is dancing with her man in heaven surrounded by loved ones and will be waiting when Jesus calls us home. I hope there is joyful music up there for all the celebration that is surely occurring today.

In Him,

Joyful

3-10-26