Compassion is Key, Faith in Heartcrushing Circumstance

That saying of pull yourself up from your bootstraps and get on with it is advice to tackle life on our own. The better advice may be to pause, pray for wisdom to move in the right response to what life is throwing at us. How many times have I rushed in believing I had the right way to handle a situation only to find out that my haste led me to the wrong actions? The older I get the more often I am aware that even when I know I am right about something, I can be wrong. 

This past weekend a family in our town lost their thirteen year old son to a tragic accident. Oh how I grieve for this family and all involved. Even as our hometown comes together to support this family the rumor mill is also sharing facts about what happened that may or may not be correct. I misremembered a street that I lived on for decades. How could my brain have not known the name of this street? But I knew I knew until someone pointed out that I was mistaken. Others are sure they know the circumstances surrounding this loss and sharing it confidently. First, does it matter? A child died. Second, the truth is not always found in the rumors even if you hear it from a reliable source. After all, I shared a fact about a street name that I lived on and I was wrong. Was I a reliable source? Absolutely not. 

What I know is that a family lost their precious son, brother, friend and are grieving. Our part is to give them the space they need to come together and pray for them. Whatever we can do to support others in a time of need is much more important than knowing the details of what happened and why. This hits close to home for me in a couple ways. When Tanner fell off the eighty foot cliff when he was a fifth grader our same community had many stories of what happened and why. Even though I am his mom and stood at the edge of the cliff while a firefighter brought him up on a backboard, I didn’t know what exactly happened. Even as that twelve year old son of mine is close to turning forty this year, I don’t know all the facts about that day. If I pretend to it is for my peace of mind not because I really understand. Bottom line is I don’t need to know but do need to have all the details. Again when we lost Ryan to suicide there were so many stories about the circumstances. People knew that they knew even as we as Ryan’s family can’t possibly understand all that was in his heart at that moment. Having compassion and loving others in difficult times is what our focus should be. 

Faith is the antidote of fear much more than courage. Someone told me once that they could not survive losing a child. I don’t think anyone has the courage to lose a child but our faith gets us through even the moments that are unbearable. I pray for the families involved in this recent loss. I also pray for those who have a need to know the circumstances rather than just embracing those who are hardly able to breathe from the pain. This is not me lecturing others. My first response was to know all the facts and even to share them. That’s how I know I misremembered a street name. This is me reminding myself that faith and courage are what I need to cling to even when my worst fears are realized. No family should lose a child. That is a fact that I know to be true. Please pray for our town and all who are grieving here. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-12-26

 

Today is a Gift, Enjoy Your Present

Are we there yet? How much farther to go? Are we there yet, that’s what I want to know? Most of us sang this little song on car trips when we got a bit restless. Waiting can be difficult and the excitement of anticipation can wane. But there is a fabulous book The Precious Present by Spencer Johnson that explains that the present itself is the present and there are gifts in the waiting. Whether it is anticipating something life impacting like the birth of a child or a result from a doctor, or a little thing like the last day of school or a Friday for the weekend, we all find ourselves expecting and hoping. 

We give kids five more minutes when an activity is coming to an end and a transition looms. They need that time to adjust to what is next. As adults, we have a broader picture of what is coming with our calendars on the wall, on our phones and even on Alexa. But still we get anxious anticipating what is coming and how it will turn out. Then it is go time and we can take a breath and enjoy or deal with what is. Later, we will reflect on how things turned out. Did we fill our minds with fear unnecessarily or was the result as bad as we worried about? Was the celebration as joyful as we hoped or did it have a few hiccups that will be remembered fondly in the future. Sometimes the almost there is a time to remember past moments that we lived through even when they didn’t turn out like we thought they would. 

I read The Precious Present when Ronnie B and I had just had to give our first son Logan back to his biological mother after loving him as our own for two months. This young mother changed her mind about the adoption. We quickly called our attorney and began pursuing other adoptions. A mom reached out to us from back east and chose us to raise her child. After months of communicating, she changed her mind. Ron even flew back and met her. Then we got word about our son Cameron. We were a bit gun-shy but moved forward. The waiting was hard since his birth was six months after losing Logan. To begin with I just wanted to wait. I wanted to focus on when he would be in my arms and let the summer slip by uneventful. Then I read the book that said that now is a gift and should be enjoyed while anticipating what is next. So I got off the couch and engaged in life. Ron and I had a summer filled with camping, short trips to visit family, and cookouts with friends. September came and we did indeed wrap our son in our arms. All things work out as they were meant to be. Logan is an adult, Cameron is in his forties with four kids of his own, and we pray the other little one grew into a happy, healthy adult. 

The forming of our family through adoption caused a lot of waiting since all our selfless birth moms were pregnant when we met them. We waited for the births, the adoptions to be finalized and spent the rest of our lives connected to the families that adoption tied us to. These families our a part of our family now and they are a big part of our story. 

Even the little events in life have a waiting period. Heck, each of us spends time in waiting rooms of all sorts that are there for the purpose of waiting to be next. This weekend Ron and I take off on a month long road trip to see family celebrate graduations, weddings, and spend time together along the way. I don’t want to get caught up in the calendar and miss the days leading up to each magical event. We have a grandgirl graduating from high school and a grandson graduating from kindergarten and a nephew celebrating his wedding. These will be such fun but so will the hot springs and conversations as we camp our way to the northwest and then meander our way back to Arizona. I look forward to all the events but also know that the time Ron and I spend together is just as precious. We are both turning seventy this year and celebrate our forty-ninth anniversary on June 4th. The life we have shared has not been without heartache but that has been overshadowed by the joy we share being together on this journey. 

Even as I pack and prepare for the trip I am enjoying the wait. We welcomed a student from Nepal to stay with us this summer. As I have done my Bible study and am blogging, he brought his phone over and introduced me to his parents a world away. Then he prepared egg fried rice for lunch. The house smells delicious and I am grateful he is here to feed the cat and water my plants. The trip will be fun but so are the days until then introducing him to neighbors and friends. 

Enjoy right here and know that you are almost there which will be what it will be. Thankfully, we have others and our faith to get through the ups and downs of life.  

Routines Matter even on the Hardest Days

What do I do when there is a struggle in my life? Do what you would do if there wasn’t. Joyce Meyer gave this advice on Talk it Out this morning. Hmmmm. So when I am facing a hard thing, I just need to do the routine? Yep, that is her point. In a way that makes sense. We condemn pity parties and wallowing in situations for a reason. This points back to the lesson of OTHERS that I have shared a million times. It is worth sharing once more….

Years ago I drove for the HELP program. A program that pairs mostly seniors with those who need a ride to a medical appointment. I had the honor to drive a woman who had terminal cancer to her treatment in Santa Fe about an hour away. In her modest apartment with only two doors she had the word OTHERS on a piece of a brown paper bag. She shared that when she was a youngster, her grandpa had carved this word out of beautiful wood. It was a reminder to always put others first especially when life was hard. Looking inward didn’t get you through the situation quicker but made the time in it more miserable. Looking outward to help others even through your sorrow helped give you perspective on your circumstances and kept you from engulfing yourself in it. 

Here she was facing the end of her life with little money, no family close by, and still doing what she could for others. She was too weak to volunteer other than to make phone calls to encourage others to give their time and funds to benefit others. What a lesson on just what Joyce was speaking of this morning. 

Rather than sitting with a box of tissues weeping on the couch, I choose to get dressed, brush my teeth and step out for my morning walk. Rather than sniveling on social media to bring others into my drama, I choose to Bible study and write. Rather than stomping my feet or ignoring the hardship, I choose to roll up my sleeves and see how I can make the best of the way things play out. Waiting is necessary at times. But how we wait and what we do in the wait is important. Life gives us trouble. God promises that in His word. But He also promises to be with us in the difficulties. He promises to use all things for good. 

Losing my son to suicide made it impossible to breathe. But the testimony of how Christ walked beside me through that lose has become a book that I boldly share with others. My purse is a bit heavier with my book tucked inside. But God gives me the opportunity to hand it to others like the cashier who smiles and lifts those who come through her line all day long. The person who notices that I can use a hand with my packages at the post office and steps up to help gets a book. I am encouraged to sign the book with a note about how their heart and actions impacted me and surely impact others they encounter. What a gift I have through the loss of my son. A Mother’s Journey Through the Loss of Her Son is my faith walk through the hardest ten years of my life. But oh how God clung to me and changed me during that decade. 

No pity party here. I have to remind myself to not wallow even in the small hurts of life. Wailing over not being included or having someone misunderstand my words is not the best practice either. So thank you Joyce for reminding me that when life is difficult I need to just do what I do when life is good. There is beauty at the end of a tunnel and a rainbow after a rain. How I spend my time in the storm matters. It doesn’t part the clouds but it puts sunshine in my attitude. 

In Him,

Joyful

3-18-25

Say Yes, Go, Invite

One of my goals this year is to stop isolating and b more social.  I came up with three levels. Say yes when invited. Actually go when invited. Lastly, invite someone out to go out or come to my home. I have been working on it. Yesterday, I invited a friend out and was so thankful to catch up. It had been months Sind we spoke. This is an encouragement for me to step out agin next week to another friend I love and miss. 

In so many situations, I find myself reluctant to join in but so glad I did once I get there. Isn’t.t that true of so many things in life? Whether it is excercising, laying out a budget, or improving a routine or bad habit. Success starts with the first yes.  The saying that comes to mind is that thin feels better than that tastes. That can apply to so many situations. 

Here we are in February, what is one of your goals and what steps are you taking to make this change? Let’s encourage one another with our words as well as our prayers.

In Him,

Joyful

2-4-25

 

Mixed Emotions, a Lifetime of Joy

This is Caleb, my great grandson. To be fair all my grandsons are great but Caleb’s mom is my granddaughter. This week,  I had the pleasure of going with him to his Halloween party at the Methodist church. The fellowship hall has been a part of our journey for decades. They left the concrete floors uncovered so the room can serve as a skating rink on Friday nights, toddlers ride their trikes around, and potluck plates can easily be cleaned up when they fall unexpectedly. 

Over the years this space has held many of my kids birthday parties, graduation events and even our son’s goodbye party. Ryan isn’t here to see his sweet, look alike grandson enjoying the space he spent a lot of his special moments. But here I am snuggling Ryan’s twin as his Noni. 

This didn’t make me sad but I did have to take a few moments to breathe. The fact that forty plus years ago I was told that I could not conceive a child. There were too many tears as I lost hope of being a mom. Then God formed our family through adoption. Here I sit with Caleb on my lap and I get to be his Noni. Our family is flourishing with littles as my kids grow their families. 

I thank God for my Ronnie B who never gave up on our dream of being parents. The adoption journey not only gave us the family we so desired but connected our lives to our birthmom’s families as well. Natalie’s birth grandma, Phyllis, and I have spent a lifetime connected. What a gift to have extended family through our chosen family.

So today I celebrate that I get to be a mom, Noni and that there are moments even in a place with mixed emotions where smiles erupt. Caleb is definitely Ryan’s mini me and I adore this sweet two year old. This last picture is of Ryan at three years old.

In Him,

Joyful

11-5-24

 

Cameron is Forty with his Dad in Paris Day One

Happy 40th Cameron! You and your dad just landed in Paris to begin your birthday adventure through Europe’s Octoberfest. I am beyond thrilled that you two are having this experience together. Someone asked if I am jealous. Not at all. Now the day you were born forty years ago reminds me of the bond your dad felt toward you from the first moments of your life. 

The nurse set up a rocking chair in the nursery for me to sit in and then gently laid you in my arms. Within moments your dad took that little swaddled bundle of boy and snatched him out of my arms. He quickly unwrapped you to count your toes and fingers and get acquainted with his newborn son. What a precious gift you have been to both of us throughout your life. Watching you grow into the middle-aged man you have become has been one of our greatest gifts. You are a man of faith, courage, commitment and humor. 

This new adventure you have of brewing beer is going to be forever enhanced as you navigate German breweries sampling a good bit along the way. Eat, drink and enjoy. Take a cab if you or dad test too many beers at one time. Today is one of my favorite days as I know you are blending the fun of Octoberfest with the awe of the beaches of Normandy and the grandeur of the Louve. Just think perhaps you will be taking a trip with your son in another twenty-five years. Happy, happy birthday to you my son.

In Him,

Joyful

9-22-24

50th High School Reunion is Going to be Epic and over by 9:00 pm Please

Yes, it is true. Ronnie B and I are heading off to our 50th class reunion this weekend. It will be fun to reconnect with others who were teenage friends. But one concern is that there may be old people coming to this event. Hmmmmmm. At least we don’t have to ask others how old they are because we are all in this senior thing together. Instead of graduation most of us can share pictures of our retirement parties. Most without the kegs that were present at our grad night. I am excited to see others but most excited to share this walk down memory lane with Ron by my side. He was my high school sweetheart and my lifetime best friend, the father of my kids, Papa to our grands and even greats. 

The song that comes to mind is by the Forrester Sisters, I’d Choose You Again. Truly I couldn’t have known what a beautiful, fulfilling life I could lead. I am beyond grateful to sharing life with my Prince Hurdler, Ronnie B

"You Again"

Looking in my life
Through the eyes of a young girl growing older all the time
Maybe just a little wiser
I can clearly see
All my mistakes keep coming back to visit me
Pointing out the roads not taken
So much I'd like to change but one thing I'd do the same

I'd choose you again, I'd choose you again
If God gave me the chance to do it all again
Oh, I'd carefully consider every choice and then
Out of all the boys in the world
I'd choose you again

Times weren't always good
Seems like the Lord gave all the easy parts away
But every time the road got rocky
You'd look at me and say
Had all you needed long as I was there with you
You're the reason I kept going
If I could start my life anew
The first thing that I would do

I'd choose you again, I'd choose you again
If God gave me the chance to do it all again
Oh, I'd carefully consider every choice and then
Out of all the boys in the world
I'd choose you again

The truth is life has had many heartcrushing moments but we faced most all of them together in prayer, surrounded by family and friends. I danced the mother son dance at two of my son’s weddings to this song. Because through what became the gift of infertility our family is a chosen one through adoption. So while Ronnie B and I would choose each other again we also would choose for life to turn out just as it is. God saw the big picture of who our family would include. Four fabulous kids, their families, and the birth families who are a beautiful part of our lives and our family. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-21-24

What Do You Do With Your Stuff While You Are Out Getting More Stuff?

It seems that we have been moving stuff for almost a decade. We have moved our own stuff for our remodel several different times. Then we lost both our mom’s and had to sort, get rid of, and incorporate their stuff into our home. Thankfully we had siblings helping with the process of relocating all that stuff. This past couple months we have been once again surrounded by stuff that our daughter and her family left behind when they moved. This weekend we finally got the last of everything out of our rental home and can stop hauling stuff here and there and everywhere. 

The good news is Ronnie B and I were able to donate massive amounts that can help others or perhaps be the stuff that they will later have to deal with. George Carlin has a whole comedy bit about stuff and how it consumes our time and attention. A house is just a place to store our stuff while we go out to get more stuff. Then on a trip we must decide what stuff to take and always seem to purchase more and so bring back stuff that we must find a place for in our homes. Moving stuff, letting go of stuff and accumulating stuff is the biggest time suck in our lives.

 Now I am hopeful that one day soon before my kiddos have to go through my stuff and make decisions that I somehow become a minimalist. That would save them time and hey I could stop spending my time figuring out a place for everything and everything in its place. 

In Him,

Joyful

2-26-24

 

Noni and Papa to All~God Knew Just the Family We Would Be

 Can I just rewind to my twenty-eighth birthday when the doctor sat in a rocking chair beside me and assured me that I would never be a mom. He had just done a procedure that showed that the cutting edge in vitro procedure would not be an option for me. I was heartcrushed and asked Ron for a divorce on our drive home. My broken body shouldn’t prevent him from being a dad was my rational. He hugged me, brought me hot tea for my throat and assured me that God had a plan to create our family. I love this man of mine more than I can express. 

I won’t go into all the ups and downs of adoption but that day we pivoted from infertility to creating a chosen family. Fast forward almost forty years to this moment. Our family indeed grew and continues to grow. It would be enlightening to list all who are our family but I would most likely miss someone who should be included. So I will use a broad brush to paint you a picture of God’s faithfulness at not only providing our heart’s desire but giving us more than we could have dreamed. 

Our four children came from generous birthmoms who have been a part of our lives along with their families. That grew our family in a most wonderful way. When our kids grew and married we gained more in-loves along with their families. Now we are gifted with the birth of August six weeks ago who is number eight grandkiddo. We even have a delightful great grandson who is a year old. How great is that. His daddy and his family have joined our family as well. You can see why I no longer say Barbers6 but also don’t even attempt to give our clan a number. What a gift to have a family too numerous to even count. God is good!

When we started the adoption process a friend asked me how I would be able to share my kids with a birth family. I can honestly say my reaction was that our hearts grow to include more people throughout our lives. Moms worry how they could possibly love baby two as much as their firstborn. Their love is not divided but multiplied to include all their sweet children. That is the same with birth families. I am so fortunate to have relationships with my kid’s siblings who weren’t raised in my home. It is a special bond that I am forever grateful for. The truth is my daughter’s maternal grandma has been a part of my life always and reads my blogs. I love that! Natalie’s husband’s grandfather also reads my heart on this page. I love that! 

So I have stopped saying I am Noni to six or seven or eight and have decided to give me my heart name of Noni2all! Even the sweet kiddos at the park who play with my basket of park toys now call me Noni. I love that! Friends are family we choose for ourselves and I am blessed with each of you who let me be your Noni and Noni to your kids. I love that!

When I was groggy from surgery listening to that doctor who callously gave me the news in a rocking chair, he believed I wouldn’t be a mom. I had my doubts and almost gave in to hopelessness. God had a different plan. Ron’s mom gave me hope. She said God had just the right children for us.We just had to go out and find them. So we did with a lot of help along the way. Here we are with hearts full of just the right people in our lives. What a gift we have as Noni and Papa to each one. 

In Him,

Joyful

10-5-23

Our Family Grows in so Many Ways......Welcome August Elliott

My heart is full as I watch my precious girl tenderly holding her new with so much love on her face. The concerns of pregnancy and the questions all fade as the skin to skin touch and deep connection glows between mother and son. This little man who grew day by day, week by week to form the newborn he is and the man he will become. Her mother's eyes reflect her love as she shares three day old August with his enthusiastic, big brother. Dada is busy meeting his families every need while patiently stopping to help three year old Felix take one more picture of his new brother. 

What a sweet time as my daughter's family bonds and just relaxes is the gift that is family. I am beyond thankful for my supporting role as Noni to this precious scene. They know I am only a phone call away perfectly content to remain in the shadows while they glory in one another. Soon Nate's family will arrive and their deep love for our shared kiddos will take center stage. I pray they know that my stepping back into the shadows is so they can revel in their sweet time with this Madlem family of four. I will be home praying for a beautiful time together. 

God has given Ronnie B and me a family that continues to increase. Over our fifty years together we have been given family through marriage, chosen families, friends and one another. Our  hearts soarsthat the family of our children's life loves are included in our family as well. That not only birth moms but also birth grandparents, aunts and uncles, and half siblings are a part of our family story. We still hold the email Barbers6 for the four children God gifted to us but the number is too big to count here decades into life as the Barbers. The bigger the family the more reasons to celebrate and get on our knees to pray over those God has placed in our llves. Perhaps I will spend sometime today reflecting on the names of all God has allowed into our story. This year we add sweet August Elliott to our tribe. What a sweet addition he is. 

We begin our lives in the arms of our father at the breast of our mother surrounded with the prayers of all those who have hearts filled with love for us. God builds families in such beautiful ways. An overwhelming sense of joy is with us today. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-26-23

Wait, Hold Up, Bide My Time, Hang TIght, Just Trust and Be Patient the Right Time is Coming

The only thing harder than waiting is wishing that you had. Steven Furtick

Wow! Just wow. This is such a powerful quote. I for one try to push things to get to the end result sooner than later. Just waiting for the right time, place, and circumstance is my way of controlling the outcome and trying to get my own way. From not consulting with Ronnie B about a birthday gift to giving unasked for advice to my kids, to making a purchase that I really don’t need, I choose to act rather than wait. 

Green means go but yellow means wait a red stop light is coming. Rather than speeding up to beat the stop, there are times I blast the gas to get through quicker. The difference in getting to my destination is insignificant by waiting for the next green go. But I do it my way risking rather than taking the time to wait. 

Really the unwillingness to wait is a lack of trust that life will unfold as it is supposed to, when it is supposed to. I can tell you that I have been ready for a dog for a couple years. Ronnie B was not ready. If I would have forced the issue the joy of having a dog would have been accompanied by Ron’s unwillingness to share this new family member with me. This past few months, I have been combing the internet to find the perfect pet only to come up with scam after scam. It was getting discouraging to say the least. Then Lissa found Cora at a shelter and she is not only the perfect fit for me but for Ron as well. He adores her and enjoys walking her as well as working together to train her. Oh how thankful I am that another pooch didn’t work out sooner. It would have been forced and like a square peg in a round hole. By waiting and trusting our family has increased at just the right time. We are leaving on a month long rv trip in May and can’t wait for Cora to join us on our journey.

I tell three year old, Felix, to stop and take a breath which always helps him with patience and to calm down. Then he can talk about what is upsetting him. That is what I need to do rather than rushing in………just take a moment to take a breath and get perspective. Thanks Pastor Steven for another reminder that I don’t need instant gratification but a trust that the best things come to those who wait.

In Him,

Joyful

Essential Tremor Expert is What I Plan to Become

 Next Tuesday, I get to meet with a neurologist about my essential tremor. This has been so life impacting in the last few months. I have switched to a spoon since food falls off my fork. I have tried to make sure my cups have lids. When Kenzie, our grandgirl, was with us, I scolded her with hot water for tea. The lid was not on since she was going to put her tea bag in.I had to ask for a scribe at the bank so the form was legible. It broke my heart when I signed a book for my audiologist and it was completely illegible. There are others that have tremors in both arms, head bobbing, and Katherine Hepburn speech. I am trying to be grateful it isn’t worse. But it is exhausting, frustrating, embarrassing, and depressing, not to mention progressive. Ronnie B and I have good insurance so I can get the tests I need to find the right solution. There is no cure but there are medicines and treatments that could help I just need to find them. 

When I wrote my last blog a few days ago, for the first time it impacted my typing that just sent me into tears. For the first time in my life, I joined a support group on Facebook. I’m so glad I did. Talking to the neurologist with more information makes me more hopeful. 

Please pray for me that I have a right attitude, hope, and learn to adapt life if this is my new normal. God put on my heart a couple months ago to start a podcast. I believe I am going to add that to blogging not replace blogging with it. God knows! He has always guided me in the past so I am trusting him with my future. One thing I am counting on is that it won’t affect my giving and getting hugs. That would be unbearable. Ronnie B is waiting for me to have a sexy Hepburn voice but he is so good at loving me through even this. I try to say not what if but even if that is how I am praying to look at this new situation. Susi’s dad was a wise man when he said growing old is not for sissies. I need to wipe my tears and be thankful even with my dancing arm.

In Him,

Joyful

2-23-23

The Letter That Started Our Family

 Ron and I agonized over each sentence when we wrote a letter for birthparents when we were trying to adopt. It is heartening to read back at our views of who we were and what are hopes were for the future. God gave us with his birthmom angels our hearts desire. We have four incredible kids who have filled our lives with so much joy. Grandkids are our bonus and what a bonus each of them is to us. So I thought it would be fun to share who we were in the early nineteen eighties as we so desperately wanted a family. Finding out there was no biological path after years of doctors and infertility appointments we turned to ob/gyns and everyone we knew to get the word out that we wanted to welcome little ones into our home and our lives. So here are the words we came up with to send to over a thousand doctors nationwide. Even choosing which to send it to was an ordeal that we prayed over                                                      

Ron and Barbara Barber

1663 Elm St. Livermore, California 94560

    Sharing in the joy of raising a family is a desire so simple and basic in life. Unfortunately, we are physically unable to have a child. After several infertility specialists, surgeries, and countless examinations and finally a hysterectomy, we are anxious to enlarge our family through adoption. We hope you will share this letter and picture with anyone you may know who has a child in need of loving parparents and a good home. Below we have listed some information we feel necessary to make a decision as to our qualities as potential parents. 

    After meeting in high school, we were married in our junior year of college and have been happily married for eight years. Both of us are twenty-nine years old and have always dreamed of having kids and raising a large family or our own. We own a small, three bedroom house that we have enjoyed working on together to give it that comfortable, homey feeling. Our home has a variety of pets, a large flower and vegetable garden, a beautiful patio ideal for weekend barbecues and lots of room for children to play.

    Ron has worked as a mechanical engineer for seven years since graduating from Northern Arizona University. He has always enjoyed doing technical and creative work with his hands as well as analyzing problems. This is reflected in his work and  his hobbies. Ron is quite the artist and tries his hand at a variety of projects from painting and carving to building things around the house. 

    I have taught elementary school special education for five years, working with students with emotional and behavior concerns. I am a very tactile person and have successfully incorporated hug therapy in the classroom to build self esteem in even the most disturbed child. I get a lot of enjoyment from teaching and am currently tutoring at home while we take toe to raise our family. I love embroidering and crocheting gifts and do creative sewing.

    Both of us are looking forward to including children in our activities such as camping, kayaking, skiing, and traveling to new places. We anticipate the pleasures of seeing a child grow and teaching a child to play games or working together on projects at home. Both our families are very supportive and are excited about including a new baby in our family vacations and holiday gatherings. 

    If you need to know more about us or feel you can help, please call us, Marc Gradstein (our lawyer) or Bonnie Gradstein (our adoption counselor) collect anytime. 

        Thank you for your consideration. 

                                                Sincerely,

                                                Ron and Barbara Barber

Our phone number was 415-449-1096 

Reading how young and hopeful we were brought tears to my eyes. God granted us the perfect family that filled our lives with joy and laughter. Hopefully, my kids will always know how they were not adopted into our home but sought after with hope and prayer that God would lead us to the family we were supposed to be. Chosen into our hearts and loved dearly. We did take adventures in our yellow camper van from Key West, Florida to the Arctic Circle in Alaska. All piled into our 19 foot camper van. We are beyond grateful to the birthmoms that chose us and let us live life with the children who are all now adults that they love as much as we do. 

First day together

 

And now we were six with Cameron, Ryan, Tanner, and Natalie

We all fit in the yellow camper including all our adventure toys

On our way to Alaska, we stopped at Banff, Canada                                                                                     

 

And then there were grandkids! 

In Him,

Joyful

6-26-21

Cancer Diagnosis and a Family Weekend Getaway

 I am beyond thankful for our past weekend in our Oak Creek cabin. Natalie’s birthmom just found out she has cancer in both lungs and spots on her brain. We drove west to spend time with her before she went into the hospital for a biopsy and next steps. The weekend was glorious with time for each of us to connect with Jodi and her daughter Alyssa. The soothing sound of the creek was a constant present as we ate, laughed, prayed, shared life stories and enjoyed the sweet baby Felix as family. 

God brought us together as family through the wisdom of a seventeen year old thirty years ago. Jodi and Alyssa who was eighteen months old were living in Jodi’s childhood bedroom when Natalie was born. She was sure that the best thing for both her girls was to find the right family for Natalie. Oh how blessed Ron and I are that this two pound, twenty eight week preemie became our one and only daughter. It is not possible to think of life without her in it. Jodi and I spent time together at the lawyer’s office and at the hospital bonding over this fragile life that would connect our lives and families forever. 

This weekend was the perfect blend of two families coming together to face the fight that lies ahead for Jodi. Her optimism and courage are inspiring. Just like when she was a teen, she has faith and courage that are an example for all of us. Life is never perfect and we face circumstances that we would choose to avoid if given the chance. But even in cancer there are moments to be grateful for. Oak Creek has been a place of joy since I was twelve years old. Now memories and healing are a part of this place even in this journey that Jodi faces. Thank you Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa Peabody for having the foresight to invest in this place that means so much to all of us. Please pray with us for Jodi, the Wenger family and all of us as we walk this path together. 

In Him,                                                                                                                                                                   Joyful.                                                                                                                                                                   9-16-20

Stillness Is Key

Christina Patterson spoke wisdom to me this morning in my Bible study. Just be still. That is the hardest thing to do when I just want to fix it, run to doing anything I can even if it is wrong. She said that sometimes more gets done in stillness than in hustle. Sounds wrong but when I rush to do often I am rudderless and cause more exhausted harm than good.
Surrender my will
Talk to God/pray
Identify who I am in Him
Look to His example of stillness
Learn contentment

What if all my efforts were effective? Looking back over my life I recognize how many times I knew, absolutely knew what was best for me and for others. Only to realize as things unfolded in a way I hadn’t expected that my ideas would have been the worst solution. At the very least I need to remember that I am where I am not because of how I saw my life but because God saw the big picture when I couldn’t.

In my twenties I knew that I had to have children that looked just like Ronnie B. I could not imagine not having his children and carrying them myself. God saw that my kids were not to come from my womb but from birth moms who loved them incredibly well. I didn’t choose adoption. God saw that a chosen family was the perfect one for Ron and me. If I had a rewind button and could get my own way of pregnancies, I would choose infertility again. It is the only way I was able to have the family that is my whole heart and soul. God’s ways were better even through the process of adoption. I wrote letters to 1000 ob/gyns across the country. Carefully selecting just who to send the perfectly worded letters to. None of my four kids came through any of those letters but God found them for our family through family and friends who knew their birth moms. Don’t get me wrong. The letter writing campaign had purpose. It kept my mind engaged while I poured effort into doing it my way. But perhaps my time would have been better spent being still and knowing God’s love for me would never leave me childless.

Today I get too caught up in the news and the division of our country. It is almost as if I can affect a change by engaging in the watching. The truth is I am also too easily offended and feel judged as I judge others. Ron and I have decided to take a news break for the next few weeks. Don’t worry we weren’t the ones in charge even while getting so caught up. Instead we are spending time being still and trusting that God sees the big picture and can cause real change for good even now.

I am praying for touch in this stillness. Too many of us are lacking human touch through this Covid world. Hugging will return. I believe this because God gave us arms to embrace each other. That will be a marvelous day when I can hug you. Even if it is a back hug~~~I’ll take it.

In Him,
Joyful
6-13-20

Into Our Arms at the Perfect Moment

Yesterday was Felix’ birthday or so we expected it to be. He is still comfortably settled in his mother’s womb and will be in her arms when the time is just right. It is difficult to be patient anticipating the joy of holding this gift from God. But we wait. She waits. For Felix he is unaware what comfort and love lie ahead after he comes to us through the birth process. Natalie and Nate are not going to be parents. They are parents. The love they already have for this adorable little son is evident in the way they speak of him and to him. Each day now seems like an eternity until they get to scoop him into their arms. But God knows just the right timing for this miraculous event.

As Felix’ Noni I can’t wait to have this little guy in my life. To watch my daughter and the love of her life embrace their son will be a most precious moment. What a gift to be allowed in the presence of my daughter’s motherhood. That they both want me to be present for them is my greatest joy. Being included in the birth and life of my grandson is overwhelming. But for now we wait and trust that his entry into our arms will be in the perfect timing.

Family is formed through love and birth and being chosen to cling to one another. What a gift to share in this pregnancy experience with my daughter. I was afraid it would make me jealous since I wasn’t able to carry any of my chosen children in my womb. But instead it has filled me with even more gratitude for the love of the birth moms that nurtured my babies before they were placed in my arms. What a gift it is to be their Mom and now a Noni as God continues to bless me with this family that was my heart’s desire. God’s timing was perfect in placing the children he knew were to be mine in my arms at precisely the right moment. Now I trust His timing in bringing Felix safely into our arms at exactly the right moment as well. But the anticipation is building and our patience and Natalie’s discomfort is increasing. This is a time to pray for our hearts to be filled and know this wee one will get here in due time.

In Him,
Joyful
2-15-20

How Was I Conceived You Ask

Do you know how you were conceived? Does it matter? Was there candlelight and soft music, holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes? Or were the circumstances less ideal> Does it matter in your value or make you who you are?

Being an adoptive mom has not given me the honor to nurture my children in womb. I loved them from the moment I was chosen to be their mom but I didn’t get to drnk extra milk or take prenatal vitamins. Not only did I not have knowledge of their conception but I didn’t get to feel their first flutter of a kick or welcome them into this world as they took their first breath. My love for each of them and how they overflowed my heart with love has never been dependent on the circumstances of their conception or that their birth mothers nurtured them before they were placed in my arms. God chose us to be aa family and the rest was not relevant.

Our self worth, contributions to this society are not dependent on our conception but how we conceive to live our lives. Our connections with others and our hearts for each other are what is important. None of us wear aa sign that flashes about our beginnings. What does shine bright is who we are to those people in our lives. How do we treat the person working next to us? Do we know the name of our mail lady. Did we throw that piece of traah down for someone else to pick up or bend over to be the one picking up what others have tossed? Did we stop to hold the door or was our day too busy to be bothered with another? Do we really listen when others are speaking or are we preoccupied with our own thoughts and words?

I’m writing a gospel, a chapter each day is a saying that always gives me pause to reflect on how I am living through the eyes of others. The second half of that is What is the gospel according to you today? The truth is the gospel I write, who others perceive me to be is not about my conception but my execution. How I execute and navigate my world and where my focus is. Am I so self focused that it is all about me or is my focus on others? My hope is to continually strive to put others first with the knowledge that the more I give, the more is returned to me through relationships and love.

In Hm,
Joyful
1-13-19

Infertility Moment

Ron and I had a tearful memory moment last night. While watching a Netflix movie there was a brief scene of a wife unable to conceive. Ron asked if that brought up memories. Soon we both had a few tears in our eyes as we were right back to our own days of infertility. When the door finally closed and locked on having our own child, we began the task of finding our family through adoption. Looking back to the grief of infertility we both know we wouldn’t change a thing. God had just the right children to place in our arms and in our hearts. My ache that Ron wouldn’t get his own kids because of my brokenness brought me to the verge of ending our love story. What I didn’t understand was that our family was out there and we just had to work a bit harder to create it. Not only did we get our family but we have a connection with our children’s birth families that are precious to us. Their love for our shared kids gives us a bond like no other.

It is true as the Bible verse states. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 And in the midst of everything be always giving thanks, for this is God’s perfect plan for you in Christ Jesus. TPT

In the hard seasons of life it is hard to see the bigger picture and we shout out that we shouldn’t have to endure this pain. What I know is that life unfolds and even in the rough circumstances Jesus is right there beside me so I never have to face it alone.

My kids are all grown now and in the busyness of life Ron and I don’t reflect back on those days of infertility. I once heard the analogy that in a football game we remember who won the game not what the score was at halftime. Infertility was a path to our win. Forming our family had to go through the medical heartbreaks to get us to our chosen family. What a perfect score.

In Him,
Joyful
5–6-19

Words to Live By

The Precious Present

By Spencer Johnson

This book was powerful in my life when I was young. It teaches us that in our search for the answer, the perfect gift, we walk right past. The present, the here and now are the gift. Yet our focus is beyond the present so much so that we miss it. This message has stuck with me throughout my life. When there were seasons more painful to walk through I would realize I could be present and find the small positives rather than trying to fast forward through them. The movie Click seemed to be right out of the pages of this book. Proving that even if we had the power to click forward we would be missing so much.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

By Harold Kushner

This book was powerful in my life through my season of infertility and failed adoption. His teaching me that God is there to walk beside me through life not to protect me or inflict me with pain in my life was huge. I needed his words to prevent me from having anger toward God for my circumstances. This allowed me to embrace God through all the storms of life. What an incredible gift his words are in my life. 

The best way out is always through.

By Robert Frost

This is not a book but a quote that I trust in completely. Life has bumps, potholes, massive crevasses that is true for all of us. But we have to walk through them to get to the smooth path on the other side. I had this framed in my kitchen throughout my children’s lives. Oh how I wish my Ryan and so many others would know that life has ups and downs and we need to walk through them not end it in the middle of the road. When I put this quote up it was to celebrate my four God given kids. Through adoption I received my heart’s desire. To arrive there I had to go through infertility and heartache. Letting go of my thought that I wasn’t going to have ‘my own’ kids. By going on this walk I realized God had ‘my very own’ kids and I was blessed enough that He put their loving, selfless, birthmom’s hearts in touch with mine. 

To know Him and to make Him known.

This is my life statement. Not that I run around preaching to others but that I live my life in relationship with Jesus. By my living life not religiously but relationally I hope to be more like Him. His love is always with me and He stays only a whisper away. Through my life I hope to make Him known so everyone I meet never have to walk through life alone. I cringe when someone calls me religious. That contours up images of judgemental people trying to follow the rules to be saved. For me it is a relationship with my best friend, savior and father. How could I not want others to share this faith? 

Each of us have quotes, books, conversations and even movies that have impacted our journey through life. I just wanted to share a few of mine. Please share any you have with me. I am always seeking more wisdom and insight to apply to my life. 

In Him,

Joyful

1-28-19

Our First Son, For A Moment, Turns 32

32 years ago yesterday......

Ron and I were gifted with our first son, Logan. We were fortunate to get to love him and know him for two months. Then our world fell apart. His birth mother came and told us she had a hole in her heart and needed to take him home. Imagine our confusion. To us Logan was home. This felt like the worst pain, too unbearable to endure. We spent years with the heartbreak of infertility and believed with our whole hearts that our son, Logan, was our future.

Our loss occurred right before Easter. We quickly went to the travel agent to get away~fast and far from the empty crib in his room and empty carseat in our car. I didn't even have the heart to empty the diaper pail.

God found us Cameron a few months later. He wouldn't be our son if we hadn't gone through the loss of Logan. The family wanted our attorney to find Cam a family. He chose us since we lost Logan. So you see Logan and his family gifted us with Cameron our forever son in their own way.

Logan just turned 32 years old. He is still in my thoughts all these years later. Not only do we have Cameron directly as a result of letting Logan go but we have a better understanding of the love and selflessness of our birth moms. We can relate to their hearts for the child they didn't raise. It is not for lack of love but the heart of incredible love that birth families choose adoption. I know not a birthday goes by without a smile and prayer for the child that is loved not by one family but two.

Happy birthday Logan. You are now Austin Fitzgerald Love just as you were meant to be. I am so grateful for the time we got to spend with you. You played a valuable role in helping our family grow and teaching Ron and I how to be parents.

In Him,
Joyful
2-19-16