An Amputation In My Heart

It's like losing an arm or a leg. You will live through it and probably be okay, but you will never be the same. That is what a wise friend told me about my son, Ryan's suicide.

This was great because we have another friend who lost his leg in a motorcycle accident. We have watched him, at church, progress from a wheelchair, to a walker, to crutches, to walking unassisted with his prosthetic. He is living with his injury, but his life will never be what it was. There will be blessings that come and hardships to bear. By faith, friends, and family, he will get through the rest of his life with 1 leg and 1 prosthetic. Life may be better than it was, but it will never be the same as it was.

I had a coworker advise me to just be normal, have a normal day. What? Life is not normal, it is not as it was before Ryan's death. Through my faith I know will be okay. But I need to walk through this as Maurice did with the amputation and find my legs slowly. Today, I am not okay that my son is gone, that I will never pick up the phone and hear him say, 'Hello, Beautiful!' Ryan will never wow me with his latest pizza crust recipe again. This is a new reality in my life and the lives of all touched by his amazingly generous heart.

It has been a month. I am not even in that wheelchair yet. First, I need to recover from the shock and reality that is my son's suicide. Then I will begin the process of moving toward standing on my feet again.

I admire Maurice's courage and persistence to walk on his own. His recovery will be an example of my own recovery. The unexpected path that each of us finds ourselves on was not by choice. It was swift and tragic. Yes, I will have normal days eventually. But today, I am still on my knees with pain. Even if you cannot see the amputation in my heart as I miss and mourn my son, it is as real as Maurice's.

Through this I need to be as honest with myself as I am with others about how I am. Of course, there are moments that I am okay. But overall it is going to take time and all your prayers so I can heal from what is now a part of my life story.

In Him,

Joyful
5-11-2010

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