Gun Case That I Certainly Don't Want

This week a person hurt me deeply and I am not even sure if it was malicious or ignorance. My heart wants to lash out and tell her that her actions were among the cruelest I have experienced in my life. But how am I to know if her actions were hateful or misguided?  My friend told me to let it go, if she did it on purpose then she wins to see me upset and if she didn't she won't get my heartache anyway.

When the box of Ryan's things was returned this lady put the shotgun case in the box. Now this case was a cheap flimsy gun case not worth sending unless to cause pain. She knew Ryan got the gun the day before he used it from a Viet Nam vet who was just being generous. So she also knew that the gun case was not ours! Her point of trying to return all his things may have made this unintentional but the nasty note that accompanied the box makes it doubtful. She is a mom, how could she have been so insensitive or unkind.

I will never know the truth but either way it kicked me in the gut to see that among his meager possessions. My only way of letting it go is to try to believe that she is a mom too and just lashing out to protect her own daughter. My heart goes out to her for her daughters pain that my son caused by his actions. If there was one thing I could change in life it would be to protect her from walking in on his suicide. No one should witness that especially a 19 year old. So maybe the gun case was to make us hurt just a little like her daughter is hurting. Whatever the reason her actions put a wall between us where there should have been a bridge. Our two families are connected through Ryan's death but now the connection feels vicious instead of supportive. Her daughter lost innocence through his actions but my son lost his life. Isn't our loss enough pain?

Pray for me to rid my heart of this bitterness I feel toward another mother. I don't want hate in my heart anymore than I want it in hers. Her daughter is precious to me and was before we all lost Ryan. This amazing young lady reached out to one of my Young Life girls with love and understanding long before Ryan left. We were connected because of Ryan but separate from him as well. She is also someone who reminded him of his faith and the love Jesus has for him. For so many reasons I will be forever grateful. Just wish her mom had a hint of the way I feel for her daughter instead of feeling the need to protect her by hurting us.

Now I need to forgive because I am so stunned and hurt by her actions. At this moment, I can't imagine ever forgiving her and this is not what I want to carry with me. So please pray for God to change me.

In Him,
Joyful
11-13-2010