Thursday, March 14, 2013

Even For Suicide

I am grateful even for the circumstances of my son's suicide.
~He died in Colorado so I won't be driving past that tragic place.
~He blessed us with our daughter-in-love, Dorothy.
~His daughter, Elissa, is a gift he left for us to enjoy. It brings a smile when she gets one of his expressions, tilts her head like him, or gets his goofy look in her eye.
~Others that loved my son have become family to me. He has increased the love in my heart where I thought there would be a void.
~Opportunities. Ryan's death has put me in the position to comfort other mothers, families, and friends in their hardest hours.
~Joy, as I watch him in videos and listen to him on voicemail, I hear the love he had for me and am comforted that he knew he was loved.
~Proof. Ryan's sudden death gave me proof that clinging to my faith I have the strength to get through any of life's hardships. Proof that I never walk alone. Proof that God is my stretcher and I can lay my whole life on Him.

There are mothers who live with a reminder of their child's death even in their own homes. There are mothers who don't have a daughter-in-love or grandchild to hold. There are mothers who don't have a husband that took hours of video as their kids were growing up. There are mothers who are suffering a loss that is fresh, raw, and unbearable today. My prayers and heart are with them.

 Don't get me wrong. I would take this truth away if I could. Bring him back into our world so I could cling to him. That is not possible. So I rest in the truth that he is safe in a place where I am promised to be myself someday.  The reality of his death and my aching will be a part of me from that day forward. Losing a child is a horrific experience no matter the circumstance. It truly is an amputation of the heart.

~Hope. I have hope that God uses all things for good. I have evidence that Ryan's life mattered and that his death brought people together in love.

Faith, Friends, and Family for these I am grateful.

In Him,


  1. Barb, such a powerful post and soulful post.

  2. So beautiful Barb!!! Your Faith has been an insperation to me for many years!!!!