Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Too Many Negatives~Time For Knee Time/Me Time

I woke up at 3:45 petrified. Was I having a horridly vivid dream about my son or an awakening? Either way I am wide awake and praying he is in a better place than my thoughts. The past two weeks have been difficult for me. Mom left after a visit that while wonderful was revealing of just how far away her memory loss has taken her from who she used to be. So many of our shared memories are now mine alone. It made me miss my beautiful mom while sitting right beside her. Added to that too many things about my son's circumstances are not ringing true. Mother's of Addicts on Facebook have helped but also brought the reality of living with the constant fear right in my face. It feels like I need to put the ringtone of Beethoven's 5th 'Dun, dun, dun, dun'  back on my phone like when my kids were in junior high. That ring tone seemed to sing 'What have they done' as I cautiously reached for my phone to uncover a dreaded truth. Next, my girl is struggling financially and with job woes. Feeling unloved and inadequate are things we all experience to varying degrees throughout our lives. It just seems to be a low spot right now for her as she struggles to grab direction in life. Those are the times that even when we are surrounded with others who care about us, we feel alone and lonely. Finally, I stayed home when Ron took Mom home to Arizona for a job I thought I could do. It seemed to be my next step but turns out it is a giant step down and over my head and beneath me all rolled into one. So now what? Here I sat at home alone regretting not being with family and my husband. Thankfully I had my friend/family sisters to lean on and keep my pity party from getting too out of control. To add to the good times I get to have kidney stone surgery Thursday. God's way of putting this new job on pause while I figure this all out. Perhaps. He always does have perfect timing to give me forced downtime to catch up to what my right direction is. Some of you will recall it was kidney stones that brought Ron and I 'under one roof' almost a decade ago. Kidney stones and so many young three word prayers were the answer to my own prayers then and now. Next week I start a new job, a full time job with Las Cumbres. So I need to deal with this first job and those who trusted me to do it. Keep it along with the new one? Regret letting it go and breaking a commitment? Or continue praying until the answer becomes more clear? Guess that is what the post surgery week could provide~Prayer time. 

So that was the longest paragraph and unveiling ever but the truth is I am up in the middle of the night with a heavy heart. Worried about my kids, my commitments, mom, and the future of each of us. Lately, I have been sleeping in until almost 7am everyday. It is rare for me to sleep until 5am. So I have been blessed and cursed. The later start has thrown my patterns off. It has moved me away from my coffee~prayer~blogging~Jesus/me time. So here I have blogged and it is still before 5am so I guess I will grab my coffee mug and have a conversation with Jesus. Knee time always helps put life and love in perspective.

In Him,

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