Going Through The Motions

Sometimes it feels like I am looking in on a life that can't be mine. This reality is like someone else's truth, and I am just going through the motions. When will I wake up and discover it was all a bad dream like the ones I am suffering with every night? Death certificates, ashes of the son I long to touch, simple words that now make me furrow my brow and shake my head. Someone said, "A shotgun wedding," today, and I kept repeating in my head.....shotgun, shotgun, shotgun.

Jenn says live "as if," and I am trying. People keep saying I am brave, Ron and I are brave. What? How would we look if we were not brave? I don't feel brave. I feel sad and numb and scared that I can't live through another moment without our son in this world.

I can't reach my son. I can't sleep or eat. This is not the diet plan I had in mind. My faith, by faith we will get through. But God knows I am not brave. I am exhausted and sad. My insides are shattered even while I am going through the motions. God, continue to hold me close so I don't stop walking my walk.

In Him,

Joyful
4-23-2010