Smile On My Hand, Love On His Arm

Write SMILE on your hands and LOVE on your arm. Tanner got a tattoo of a fly rod with Rest In Peace Ryan on his right forearm. He misses his brother and felt an urgency to get this tribute on his arm forever more. Me, I wrote smile on the palms of my hands to remind myself to smile. I always believed I could smile through anything in the halls of my elementary school filled with children that I love. Not so much smiling lately though.

It says in the Bible to be thankful in all things. That too has been tough for me. Then today a friend was sharing about the struggles of her child at age 40. Her beloved daughter is still battling the horrors of drug and alcohol abuse. In that moment, I was thankful. As much as I will miss my son, I would not want to watch him agonize with the addictions that haunted him for another 16 years. Ryan loved so much of life, but could not quite get control enough of his substance abuse to be the man he longed to be. Perhaps the biggest ache in his heart was that he was not 'manning up' to be the dad he wanted Lis to have in her life.

Suicide is never the answer, it takes away all hope of recovery. But since Ryan chose this path, I must find peace in his decision to stop the pain. Only a few hours before Ryan took his life, he told me on the phone not to worry about his sister, his brothers, or him. He assured me that they would all be okay. 'Mom, you pray for us, so have faith!' Finally, I believe him. He is okay. God's arms have a greater reach than mine. God has all of us in His arms, protected from what life challenges us with. I do believe!

I thank God, Ryan was able to spend the best week of his life with his daughter in January this year. They went ice skating, swimming, and just hung out together. Ryan was able to be completely present with his adorable little girl that entire week. She was his total focus, and he was hers. Natalie and Ron both commented on the agony Ryan and Lis went through when the time came to part at the end of their time together. Each had created an amazing, fresh bond with the other that week. Neither knew this would be their last time together, but God must have known and blessed them with this incredible gift.

I thank God that each of us is in His loving care. I pray that when the time comes to hold my son again, I will be able to thank God in person.

In Him,

Joyful
5-14-2010

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