Stay Don't Go, That Is What I Really Want

We make it hurt so bad. Why do we hurt those we love the most in this life? Our kids grow up and ugly things are said through the process of finding their own paths. As parents, our protective side wants to micromanage them to keep them safe. I could lie and say I have Ryan's death as an excuse for this but in reality I obsessed over my kids safety just as much before he died.

Tonight was a hard 1 for our family. Ron and I adjusting to Natalie being home and her adjusting to being in her parent's house. We all want this to work but it isn't and now what? She is used to answering to no one and we are used to having our routines.

It would be simple to just say, 'communicate.' But communication that we need is more than she is willing to give. They say men are from mars and women are from venus, but no one has written about the polar opposite planets that parents and young adults come from.

Why is our hope always greater than the reality of this situation? Our kids are home, we can spend time with them, talk, do things together, then reality hits. Just cuz they are living at home doesn't mean they spend time at home so there goes the hanging out we were looking forward to. So as parents, instead of saying, 'I miss you' we get suspicious of where they are and what they are doing. Misplaced? Of course, but it is also understandable. For so many years of our lives our kids are the main focus of our lives and then they are gone. So when they return we think it is going to be the same as when they were 14 and we were a part of their lives. Feelings get hurt, as parents, we feel used and disrespected. Just a free roof over their heads, free laundry, and refrigerator privileges and little more.

So tempers flare, hurtful statements are made, and the 1 we love the most drives off into the night angry and alone. Now I know real fear, not because of Ryan's death but because I added to the ugliness that led to her driving away. Wanting  to hold her close turned into shoving her out the door.

And so I pray.
7-28-2010

In Him,
Heartbroken