Blogging And Blubbering

I had a horrible dream last night, and couldn't get back to sleep. Finally, I had to get up and make sure Natalie was okay. Just to see her breathing would have been enough, but I am grateful she woke up and I could give her a hug and tell her how much she means to me. I just can't bear the thought of losing another of my children. It is not okay that Ry is gone, but how could I live through losing another 1 of my precious babies.

When I tell friends that I am terrified of another tragic loss, they comfort me and say that won't happen. Unfortunately, the statistics don't agree. Family members are more likely to commit suicide when they have someone close to them leave so suddenly at their own hand. I am not dwelling on that though. Most of the time I am not focusing on that.

My kids are so broken from the loss of their brother. It is hard for any of us to wrap our brains around. People are quite sensitive to Ron's and my pain but the kids friends don't feel comfortable talking so much. Because of that, they have not had the same opportunities to process with others.

The grief path is different for all of us, and we just need to be honest with each other and those who love us about what we need from them. Today, I needed to hug Natalie and know she is as okay as she can be with the pain in her life. At work, I was blessed with a quiet day of IEP folders and schedules so I had time to sit and grief with a full box of tissues and several friends who came by at just the right time.

It is still hard for me to socialize. Harder still to pick up the phone and make a plan. I need each of my friends in my life but can't quite push through to set up the much needed times with them. My bed is not my life, but I still reside there way too much. It calls to me as I battle emotional exhaustion. I know I need to start walking and Kylie would love it. But I plan to and then don't. Someday soon. This is a journey, a tunnel to move through they say. And they should know I guess.

In Him,
Joyfully and honestly blubbering
8-24-2010