Terrified Of Friends?

Just when I catch myself having a normal day, I gasp at the thought that Ryan is forever gone and I am just living my life as if he is in Colorado and could call any day. I have read the books and know I am right on target with the grief process, but oh, how clinical  that seems. This is my son that is gone, my 24 year old son, Lissa's Daddy, my kids brother and he is never going to cook for us again, never call or torment us with his funny humour. Life must go on, I know it must but how can the sun shine and the birds sing when our hearts ache with the pain of his loss.

At times, I feel like I am betraying his memory by laughing with friends, playing with my grandkids, or even watching TV. A friend asked me the other day if I wanted to watch a movie. I have not been able to focus on a movie in these last 4 months. It seems overwhelming to even think of sitting through a movie. So there are good days and bad now, 4 months out from the senseless loss of my son.

Tomorrow terrifies me. The new school year begins with all district employees together for a meet and greet kickoff to the year. Ryan's former teachers will be there. People who adored my ornery, little booger. My friends promise to surround me and keep me safe. Why do I feel so timid and afraid of seeing people who touched my life and his in a most positive way? I don't understand my feelings but tonight I can't stop crying and I feel mortified just thinking of being in such a big crowd. These people would never hurt me and I am ashamed of my fears.

Pray for me to find the courage and strength to make it through tomorrow and all the days that will come after tomorrow.

In Him,
Joyful
8-11-2010