April

Spring is coming! It should be a time of new life, longer days and increasing warmth. My birthday is in April too, so that should bring a big smile to my heart. Still, I am not overly excited about the month of April coming around again.

In 1982, April was when I found out for sure this body of mine would never carry a child. Endometriosis seemed to have stolen my hope of motherhood. But God had a plan for a family for us through adoption and he knew the big picture.

April is when our 1st chosen son, Logan, was taken out of my arms by his birthmother. After spending his first 2 months in my heart and in my arms. suddenly I found my dreams of motherhood shattered. But I thank God for the time I had with Logan and pray for him continually.  Who can argue with a mother who says she has a hole in her heart? Adoption should be a win/win for all involved. Everyone must feel secure in their decision for this precious child's life. God also had our son, Cam, in mind for us and he would have grown up in someone else's home if the plan was for Logan to be ours. Thank you Jesus! Logan's (Austin) mom went on to marry the pediatrician from the hospital and has 2 younger brothers. Truthfully, I couldn't make this stuff up.

2 years late and with my 2 sons forever in my arms we lost our daughter, Elizabeth. After an exhausting night that included a 12 hour drive, double ear infections, and an earthquake. Her birthmother also had a change of heart. Though we only had her for a short time she had stolen our hearts and the grieve we felt was enormous. God knew we could not have had our Tanner 9 months later if Elizabeth was in our home. Once again I thank God for the children who were meant to be mine! I can't imagine life without Tanner. I received a picture of Elizabeth ( Christina Marie) when she was 2 and she was a beautiful, healthy, happy child.

Through the years, my Aprils seemed to be filled with heartache and disappointment. Then in 1990 God turned my April around with the wonderful birth of our fragile Natalie. At 28 weeks and just under 2 pounds she was a fighter from the first day she entered this world. My family was so afraid that she was too tiny and damaged to survive. The neurologist even said she may never even suck. But suck she did, she ate and grew and became stronger and more adorable everyday. April became my favorite month again. God had given me the perfect birthday present, a daughter who would get to boss around her 3 older brothers.

Then last year April rocked our world but not our faith. My Ryan took his life too soon at 24 years old he had not been with us nearly long enough. The day after my birthday and the day before Natalie's 20th is now my son's death day. Or is it his trip home day? Ryan had practiced this awful thing called suicide several times over the years. He mistakenly thought he didn't deserve all the love people felt for him. Even through this most devastating time I know God sees our lives and is walking beside us. He sees the big picture and knows how our lives will be blessed with even the greatest tragedy.

I am terrified of April this year. Not because I expect a new heartache to present itself, but because I miss my son so desperately. The one thing I am sure of is that God will walk us through this. My faith will be strengthened even as my tears flow from my eyes. God says be thankful in all things. I am thankful Ry is home and can now clearly see the life changing affect he had on so many on this earth. But it is hard to be thankful that I will never hold my son in my arms or that Lis will grow up without her Daddy.

So I am asking all ot pray for us through this spring of 2011 as we cling to each other and the faith that strengthens us. By faith, my faith will get me through to May. It won't be easy but we will get through together.

In Him,
Joyful
2-19-2011