Reassured

A new adventure just may be what I need right now. Something to distract me with the details and the planning. So that is just what I walked into today at work. My boss brought me into his office and closed the door. Uh Oh! No it was for a good thing. He told me he respected me and had a different path in mind for me next year. Most of you know, I am an elementary special ed teacher. So this new direction is just what I need right now. It will take me back to where I best fit in education. Already my mind is filling with ideas and planning how to fit this new role.

Just yesterday, I was at the 'can't breathe' phase of grieve again. Moments before this impromptu meeting I realized the parent teacher conferences I had just coordinated with classroom teachers included ones on Ryan's birthday. As I hurried back up the hall to reschedule these meetings, my principal caught me and asked to chat. A few potential topics popped in my head but I didn't expect anything that would have such an impact on my life.

I didn't even hesitate accepting the idea. This is God sent. Already  I am distracted from the grieve I felt buried under just moments before. Yesterday, I told Ron and a friend I was sure I could not take one more thing. My bathtub was indeed overflowing and I couldn't find the faucet to turn off the water. Then I scheduled conferences on Ryan's birthday. No, I am quite sure I cannot handle talking about reading scores on that day. Here I was worrying about getting through April with Natalie's and my birthday and Ryan's death day. Never did it occur to me that I had to make it through his birthday too. Of course somewhere in me I knew but hadn't mentally processed it. I can barely make it through the 5th of the month these past 10 months, how will I handle this?

Just at the precise moment I needed Him, God stepped in and smoothed out my path. Yes, I appreciated my boss's confidence and kind words, the new opportunity, but mostly I am thankful for his support. I shared with him the slope I felt myself sliding down emotionally and worried he would think I was unable to do my job. Instead he reassured me, told me to take care of myself first, and then in the next meeting mentioned how some of us had a lot going on yet still put our students first. Thank God for giving me this assurance that my precious students are not suffering because of my pain. I trust his words because I believe they were honest. Now I can continue to guide my kiddos without worrying that I am not what they need.

In Him,
Joyful
2-9-2011