His Voice

An old phone full of photos is the treasure we stumbled upon today. Texts from Ryan telling us he is living the good life and loves his job. Amazing when we lose someone we love how every picture and every word becomes pearls that we hold tightly in our hearts. When Ron's brother died 25 years ago we didn't have his laugh or his voice recorded. That was so sad. He was only 25 years old and we lost his amazing laugh. I am so thankful for all the video we have of Ry to cherish and to share with his sweet 6 year old, Lis.

When she is here she sits in the rocker and just watches video after video of her Daddy on Ron's IPad. Tears just stream down her soft, little cheeks as she remembers how much he loved her and how he left way too early. It is going to be a challenge to help her understand that his suicide in no way changes the incredible love he had for her. 

Suicide is not always a choice. I know how judgemental I was of anyone who ended their life before my Ryan lost his life to this horrible act. Having talked to him for hours that day, I know that this was the furthest thing from his mind. He had plans and he was looking past that terrible evening. Ryan was not at a place where he chose suicide. It seems to me now that suicide chose him. This is so hard to express but I know my son and he would not have chosen to leave us. Even though his death was at his own hand it was not his choice. The circumstances just lined up and in a blink of an eye, a squeeze of a trigger it was done. No do overs, no taking it back. He was gone. 

My only comfort is that Christ was right there to lift him in His arms the moment it occurred. We were even blessed by the circumstances to be together and each of us had the other to cling to. Natalie was  whisked into the van with Cam and Brit and Tan was home within minutes. That night we spent the wee hours of the morning and into the next day just holding onto each other. God held Ry and we held each other and prayed. As we somehow found the strength to tell his Grandmas and the rest of those who loved him, we prayed. Putting together the service and details that cannot be put off were done with prayer and the loving support of those who just came to take care of us.

This next week is going to be rough but we will be together in our sorrow and loneliness. Remembering the awesome times we shared with Ry and the fact that he is where he will never doubt his worth ever again will help us through. Of course, all your prayers and our faith will be give us the strength to get through the missing of our son.

In Him,

Joyful
3-30-11