Peaceful Birthday

A blanket of peace comforts me. On my birthday I am loving being with my sweet daughter and amazing husband at the beach in Santa Barbara. Breakfast in bed with double doors open to a veranda and the ocean help create the mood of peace.

To think a year ago I was up at dawn for Easter Sunday service, then breakfast with Natalie, and then the afternoon being there for Jenn as she got ready for a second surgery for cancer. Then the next day our world changed with Ryan's unfortunate death. The incredible emotions of the last year have indeed brought me to my knees more than any other time of my life. Blessings of new relationships and the pouring out of love from forever friends and those who are in my life because of Ry's death have held me up. Tears have flowed as we have clung to each other honestly missing our son. I thank God that Ron and I have been strength to each other as there were times when it was hard to even take a breath with our grief.

This week I have dreaded for months, a year after losing my precious son. I imagined it would be one where I just wanted to crawl under the bed and scream into my pillow. My understanding boss gave me the whole week off to just be here with my family for Tillie's 21st birthday and this first anniversary of the day that rocked our family.

Yet, now that the time has come I feel such peace. For a moment I felt pangs of guilt for not being more devastated or sad. Then it occurred to me that this peace is God's gift, delivered through the prayers of all of you. Your prayers, love and support are like a warm blanket keeping me calm through this week. Tomorrow there may be tears or maybe not. Whatever comes I will embrace. Living honestly with my feelings has been a real part of the past year and is one more blessing I have received.

So today as I become eligible for senior discounts and in a couple days when Natalie becomes old enough to have a glass of wine at a restaurant, we will enjoy the beach and lazy vacation days. Remembering Ryan and sprinkling a few of his ashes into the salty surf will certainly be a part of this trip. Cam and Tanner are both taking the day off tomorrow to spend it together, brothers spending time together reliving the good times with each other. My prayers are with them, and I thank God for them choosing to turn to each other for strength.

This is our family story which now includes Ryan's death and one thing I am convinced of is this: If I had a window to the future and could have seen what my life would include, from infertility to adoption, from vows to separations, from cliff falls to suicide, my choice would have been to live my life this way again. Not that I don't have regrets, of course I do. But I feel fortunate for all the times I have had with my Ron and our kids. I thank God for the years I had with Ryan and praise him for the gift of Elissa and Dorothy.

 Each and every heartache has brought me to this place in life where I am firm in my faith and relationship with my amazing Savior and am living my life with those I love. Rest in Christ's arms my son, and know I love you now and always will.

In Him,
Joyful
4-4-11

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