Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I Am Not Okay With Any Of This

This may not make sense. I have had a bit to drink which is not something I do. But I am so weary with my job and the loss of my son and the worries for my children that I needed an escape. My heart keeps repeating the same thing in this state of vulnerability. My failures as a mother. My failures as a mother. My failures as a mother.

Why is my son dead when so many mothers will never have to feel the heartache of losing a child. What could I have done differently? Oh so many mistakes that can't even be described.

Then there is the fact that my remaining 3 children have little or no relationship with each other. My hope and prayer for having 4 children no matter what it took was so that they would not have to walk through this life alone. But that has not happened. My 3 kids seem like they would be just fine if none of the others existed. Oh believe me they all mourn the death of their brother, Ryan. But none of them take time to reach out to each other. This is one of my greatest failures. That my children do not want and need to be with each other. I am heartbroken and discouraged. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? I see other families whose kids are each others best friends. Why can't that  be mine? Even after losing Ryan that they don't cling to each other baffles me.

I know this is my failure. I didn't bind them together or teach them that they have each other and that is incredibly important. Oh God how I regret how I treated my kids and all the mistakes I made. I showed them selfishness when I should have showed them compassion. I would say I would like a do over but the truth is I am pretty sure I would mess that up again.

There is a part of me that feels like the biggest fraud when people speak of how kind and loving I am. What I see in the mirror is a self centered, lazy person with priorities that need serious adjustment. Why else would my son be dead? Why else would my kids not love to be a part of each others lives? I wish I was who people believe me to be. The reality is that I am broken. I can't do this on my own. The weariness of Ryan's birthday and his unnecessary death are more than I can bear.

Yes, I have had too many glasses of wine. But I am tired. It is not just the wine but life that has zapped me. I am working my ass off at school to help the students in my charge. Instead of appreciation I have parents who condemn my efforts. The feeling of being a wrong out sock are real for me tonight. Tomorrow I must face parent conferences and put the old chin up. What I want to do is toss in the towel and say I give up. I am not the teacher I should be. You are right, you win. I want to give up on my kids and tell them that I will never be able to make it matter to them that they are blessed with each other. What a precious gift they are wasting not clinging to each other. Tonight I am finished. I just feel like tossing in the towel and letting life win.

I know tomorrow is another day and I will climb out of this funk and get back to it. But tonight I am too low to try for even one more minute. My son should be having a birthday. My love of my students should be clear to their parents. My children should be best buds. But life is what life is. So tomorrow I will blog the joyful thoughts. But for tonight this all just sucks!

In Him,
Joyful or soon to be Joyful again


  1. My dearest barb,

    You are reaching out. I don't know the loss of a child. Only the loss of dear ones. Life does not come with directions. You can only instil so much in your children and then it is up to them. You love them but it is not your fault they are not close. Difficulties in life seperate people. At some point they might find forgiveness for each other. You are not alone. I do not have nor will I ever have contact with the brother I was raised with and my 91 year old mom thinks I am horrid. It is he who was and still is the bad person. I just decided not to be a part of it. The choice I made as an adult. They are entitled to their choices and you should forgive them that for yourself. Ryan also made choices and it is you who suffers for them. Forgiveness is for yourself so you cn move forward. The heart is the strongest muscle. Hold them dear for the gifts they have not the happensand is over to quickly. A lesson you already have....knw that you are loved and the lessons in life are dealt for a reason. All for learning....good or not.

    As for your job....find something you are passionate about. Love you

  2. You did not fail your children. You did the best you could with all your heart.

    Some of the choices our children make break our hearts, but we taught them right from wrong, unconditional love, and that God loves them no matter what.

    It has taken me a long time, but right now I'm at the point where I'm just thanking God for giving me the blessing of being part of their lives as they grow into the people I know He plans for them to be. My plans don't matter - His do. And I know that He has plans for your kids too. They may not look like your plans for them, but all you need to do now that the raising them is over is remember that He holds them in the palms of His hands, His plans for them are good, and He knows the end of their stories.

    I love you. (I miss you too)

    1. Thanks Cathy for your support and wisdom. I just needed to vent. I am feeling better just for flushing the pain. God has been faithful to my family and to me but there are waves of pain and questions that have no answers.