Sunday, October 28, 2012

It Is The Truth and It Is Okay

Sometimes each of us just needs a break. Some would question my need for a day off since teachers like me get the summer off. But believe me, there is a need for a mini vacation here. So I am taking Natalie to the airport as my excuse to spend a couple nights and a day off with Pat. Even one day off seems like a lifeline when I go hang out at Pat's. Her house is just a second home without the chores and with a bonus of a supportive ear and great food.

This weekend we went to dinner with some of Ron's coworkers. As soon as we walked through the door she gave me a warm hug and began to tear up. She told me how sorry she was about us losing our son, Ryan. She lost a son who was only a year older than Ry at 25 years old. Somehow this new friend gave me permission to grieve. She is still aching 15 years after her loss and recognizes that it is okay to not be okay forever. Of course we are living but their is a constant hole in our hearts. I knew that. I live that. But too often I try to just buck up and apologize for not being okay.

This week has been hard. I ran across Ry's cremation bill, death certificate and his personal effects. Cowardly me took them to a friend's house and left them on her table unable to look at them or even have them in my house. This hit me so hard I couldn't even talk to Ron about it. So much for cleaning and organizing our room.

Thinking back to the dreaded April 2 and 1/2 years ago, I should have and could have taken more time. Ron and I both only took 2 weeks off. Crazy! If someone would have told me one of my kids would die by suicide I would have sworn I would never be able to work or breath again. But at the time I felt guilty for taking that much time off. Well, Ann who I just met last night, told me to be more honest. She said to be more honest with others and myself. It is okay to not be okay. It is the truth that right now I am not okay. It isn't April or the 5th of the month but I am missing my loving, crazy Ry. That is the truth and it is okay.

In Him,
Joyfully tearful

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