Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Back To Being Me

I have to admit something here. In the past month or more I have been retreating. No blogging, calling out to friends, or even doing my daily routines. It is like I don't have the energy or umph to get through the day. The little pep talks that I give myself usually work to snap me out of it. Count my blessings not my heartbreaks. But I have just been in a mode of 'no'. Yes is the word I want to say whenever there is a chance to get out and about. It is not like I have fallen off the face of the earth. I do enough to keep up appearances. My work with little people has been my saving grace. It gets me out and with people.

This is not new for me. Losing Ryan was the hardest thing in my life. Trying to move back into a social life after my son died was painful. I just wanted to curl up alone under the covers. Eventually, I began to be around friends and even find a way to enjoy the times together. Lately, I have fears of losing another child. No one can comfort me with their 'it will be okay'. I know all too well that it is not always going to be okay. People make bad choices. Accidents happen. Hearts break.

Sometimes I try to list all the ways others have it worse than me. Think of those who struggle with much worse circumstances than I live with. It helps me to put my pity party away for a bit. But I don't want to isolate. Connections and engaging with others is what makes life rich and fulfilling. Recently, I talked to my doctor about this and I hope he has some fixes for me. I know I have to do something to get the old me back.

This week seemed to be the last straw. My eye doctor confirmed I have the beginning stages of macular degeneration in my left eye. It doesn't mean I will ever go blind but the thought of blindness kicked the wind out of me. I had to allow myself to grieve the possibility. This morning I decided need to look at all the ways I can be proactive to fight even the possibility of this progressing. I feel empowered.

Today it occurs to me that I am not feeding myself with the positives that I know empower me. So I am sharing my heart with you and will start my morning Bible studies again. Baby steps to positive thinking and back to being myself.

In Him,

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