You have so much grace for people but not so much for your own family. A friend told me this years ago when I had a house full of teenagers~four to be precise. I recognize that those who are closest to me do not always get the best of me. I hate that this is true. My Grandma Peabody used to say she liked it when ladies came for tea at her house. Her foster mom put on her company voice and company manners. That was a time when there was no anger or chaos in the house. I remember screaming at my kids when they were little for tasks left undone or them fussing with one another. Then the doorbell would ring with one of my tutoring students on the other side. Out comes pleasant, supportive Barbara and I would switch off my mom madness and on my encouraging teacher. Those students like people in my life who are not family get the best of me and the judgemental one with too high expectations is readily available to those I love the most. This is just wrong. It is something that I have worked on for years. Grace for others and grace for family should be reversed. Sometimes I wonder if I am more harsh with their choices because I feel like a failure when one of my kids struggle. Is lack of grace for me at the heart of my criticizing them? Whatever the reason, I just need to strive to see successes rather than missteps.
This feels like a heavy post where I am in a self-deprecating place. But I am not really. It just occurs to me that we all have these moments. I have always spoke Joy-Jesus, Others, then Yourself but there are ways I need to put myself first. Not in a way that doesn't be there with Jesus and for others but in stopping the negative talk I sometimes spew toward myself that then splatters on those closest to me. Just as I want my first response to hardship to be prayer not my magic fix it wand, I want my first response to myself and my family to be compassion, understanding and encouragement. Not what did I do to cause this situation or what did they do to bring this on themselves.
Someone close to me told me that they were sorry they were such a disappointment. This person whom I love more than dirt (life) in no way disappoints me. I am so proud of the person that they are and the choices they have made in life. But the words woke me up to the truth that I don’t show my pride but speak as if I am disappointed. Of course, I told them that they were wrong and I was so impressed with how they live life. But my words won’t convince them. Only my actions can do that. I need to stop giving suggestions and advice that sounds like I think they are doing it wrong and start pointing out how much I admire how they go about doing things. One step at a time. One spoken word at a time will either have them believing my disappointment or my pride in who they are.
Now I am disappointed in myself for not expressing the joy and light others bring me. But I need to work on this as well. Beating myself up will not help me change the narrative but being intentional about changing the way I am with myself and others closest to me will move me in the right responses. I need company manners with my family and myself not just with those a little further out. Psssst and Grandma Peabody knew way back when she was a girl this was best practice for families. I miss my. Gramma and am glad I still hear her words.
In Him,
Joyful
8-3-22
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