Dear Ryan

My precious son Ryan,

Although, it is going to be tough going forward living life without you in it, I will do my best. My heart is sure that you did this, not selfishly to hurt anyone, but to end your own pain. Your life was full of love for others and for some sad reason you could not see that the joy you brought far out shined the pain you caused. Oh, I am not unaware of the mistakes you made. It is just that your mistakes usually hurt you more than anyone else.

The whole day yesterday, people recounted ways you helped them out of a bind. Even if you had to 'borrow' from someone else to do it. Guess in some ways we could look at you as a Robin Hood. Friends, family, and even a lady with her Australian Shephard at the park commented on how caring you were. How you approached people with a warm smile and made them feel important. That was your gift son, to make everyone feel like they were your favorite. Not just another Joe Blow, but someone you wanted to get to know.

The church was overflowing. They even had to set up a tv to simalcast it in another room for people who wouldn't fit in the sanctuary. There were over 400 people there to celebrate your life. We are going to focus on the love we shared.

If your death can make it clear to one person who is suffering with shame from bad choices they have made it will be worthwhile. If the outpouring of love shown to you can show one person that the pain they cause is insignificant compared to the joy they bring. It is so hard to see the good we do instead of dwelling on the hurts we cause. Ryan you provided more joy than pain. Everyone, even the worst of the worst, brings joy. If only we could hold on to that.

I will forever miss you my son. My son, gone from my life too soon. In my heart forever. I just need to close my eyes to see your smile and feel your love.

All my love,

Your beautiful mother
4-12-2010