Proud Even Now

Cowardly and selfish, that is how I used to feel about anyone who took their own life. I judged them harshly. I applied logic to their final decision. Believing that they sat and analyzed the pain they were going to bring down on their family and friends and the unfortunate person who found the aftermath.

My son's suicide opened my eyes to the truth. Because I know my son would never have done this to hurt me or his daughter or all the people who loved him. He was courageous not cowardly and yet he ended his life. Ryan inflicted pain on himself in life, not on others. This final act was not logical, it just was.

God has given me a peace about Ryan's final moments on this earth. I will never understand completely the timing of his death, when he seemed to be in such a positive place. That I spoke to him only a couple hours before and he was making plans confuses me. The death of his Aunt Emma that very morning put sadness in his heart. But the why is left to Ryan and God to understand. It is probably something that Ryan could not explain himself if he was here to answer the question.

What I do know is that drugs and alcohol shortened my son's life. Not only did they shorten his life, they put him through hell on this earth. Ryan never started using substances thinking they would cause him so much pain and rob him of so many possibilities. But they did just that. Drugs and alcohol narrowed his focus when he could have done so much with his talents.

The 1 thing substance abuse did not rob him of was his loving, generous spirit. Everyone felt like they were Ryan's favorite and he made people feel so special. His heart reached out to those who suffered the most in life. Eddie was a kid in high school who was burned so badly by his father when he was a kid that he could not grow hair and had lost both ears. Ryan didn't see his scars he saw his heart and desperately wanted to be his friend. Eddie and others like him are proof that my son was a brave hero.

My brave hero opened my eyes to my own judgemental heart. People who commit suicide are not selfish or cowardly. Although, I still do not understand suicide, I do know that I was mistaken all these years. Now I will grieve my son and ask forgiveness for judging others that chose his same path.

In Him,

Joyful
4-14-2010