Thunder, hail, sheets of rain, then a quiet drizzly afternoon this was the perfect day to be wrapped in a blanket alone on the couch with my thoughts and my pain. The ache in my heart as I desperately miss my son, as I copy death certificates to send off to people to prove my son is no longer living.
This simple document, so hard to read with its details of my son's suicide also made me smile. When they asked me for his occupation, I decided to go with his heart's desire so it clearly states Ryan Owen Barber was a CHEF. Now, maybe he did not have all the schooling or the paychecks of a chef, but boy could Ryan come up with amazingly, delicious recipes. His goal in life was to feed people his wonderful concoctions and we all couldn't get enough of his delectable feasts. Somehow, he even persuaded me to eat his sushi just once.
Some friends have called, some have stopped by, but today is a chilly, wet day that I am just being here taking care of details for my son. Still being his mom and helping him out in this small way that I can.
People keep asking how I am doing. Well, not so great. But I bought a pair of rose colored glasses and I have my family and friends and my faith, so I will get through. My life story includes my son's suicide. It is the truth of my life now. But God is here, right beside me as I send out these death certificates and won't let me go through this alone. Tonight Ron will be home to wrap me in his arms as we miss our precious son together.
1 John 4:16 God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.
In Him,
Joyful
4-19-2010
4-19-2010
i love you...
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