I Am Okay More Now

Driving home from running errands and I had a panic. It had been a busy day and I had been okay. Monday will be only 3 months since we lost Ryan and I had an okay day. How can that be? I felt so guilty like did he matter so little that I can just move past the pain of his loss and go about my life without him so easily? It just tore my mother's heart.

When I put my tears away and wiped up with the now ever close by tissues, I realized that it is not disloyal to have okay moments or even okay days. Ryan is gone, I miss him desperately and wish life had turned out differently for him and for all of us. But life will continue to unfold day by day, moment by moment. My love for him and my broken heart for his loss are real even when I am not dwelling on him

A month ago people would ask me how I was doing. My pat answer to their question was, 'hanging in', I couldn't bring myself to lie and say, 'okay'. Now I find myself reponding with an, 'ok' most of the time and meaning it. There are still plenty of just hanging in moments and times when I can't stop crying, but the normal moments are returning to life. Guess I need to feel thankful for those times and not guilty about the healing.

In Him,
Joyful
7-3-2010