Compassion is Key, Faith in Heartcrushing Circumstance

That saying of pull yourself up from your bootstraps and get on with it is advice to tackle life on our own. The better advice may be to pause, pray for wisdom to move in the right response to what life is throwing at us. How many times have I rushed in believing I had the right way to handle a situation only to find out that my haste led me to the wrong actions? The older I get the more often I am aware that even when I know I am right about something, I can be wrong. 

This past weekend a family in our town lost their thirteen year old son to a tragic accident. Oh how I grieve for this family and all involved. Even as our hometown comes together to support this family the rumor mill is also sharing facts about what happened that may or may not be correct. I misremembered a street that I lived on for decades. How could my brain have not known the name of this street? But I knew I knew until someone pointed out that I was mistaken. Others are sure they know the circumstances surrounding this loss and sharing it confidently. First, does it matter? A child died. Second, the truth is not always found in the rumors even if you hear it from a reliable source. After all, I shared a fact about a street name that I lived on and I was wrong. Was I a reliable source? Absolutely not. 

What I know is that a family lost their precious son, brother, friend and are grieving. Our part is to give them the space they need to come together and pray for them. Whatever we can do to support others in a time of need is much more important than knowing the details of what happened and why. This hits close to home for me in a couple ways. When Tanner fell off the eighty foot cliff when he was a fifth grader our same community had many stories of what happened and why. Even though I am his mom and stood at the edge of the cliff while a firefighter brought him up on a backboard, I didn’t know what exactly happened. Even as that twelve year old son of mine is close to turning forty this year, I don’t know all the facts about that day. If I pretend to it is for my peace of mind not because I really understand. Bottom line is I don’t need to know but do need to have all the details. Again when we lost Ryan to suicide there were so many stories about the circumstances. People knew that they knew even as we as Ryan’s family can’t possibly understand all that was in his heart at that moment. Having compassion and loving others in difficult times is what our focus should be. 

Faith is the antidote of fear much more than courage. Someone told me once that they could not survive losing a child. I don’t think anyone has the courage to lose a child but our faith gets us through even the moments that are unbearable. I pray for the families involved in this recent loss. I also pray for those who have a need to know the circumstances rather than just embracing those who are hardly able to breathe from the pain. This is not me lecturing others. My first response was to know all the facts and even to share them. That’s how I know I misremembered a street name. This is me reminding myself that faith and courage are what I need to cling to even when my worst fears are realized. No family should lose a child. That is a fact that I know to be true. Please pray for our town and all who are grieving here. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-12-26

 

Hear, Receive, Respond, and Wait the Best Prayer Connections

 

I listened to a Bible teaching this morning on prayer. Megan Fate Marshman had a good prospective that I had not considered. There are four things that happen with our prayers…….God listens, God receives, God responds, and God waits. The first and last can be difficult for us. While God listens and holds onto our prayers, we also listen for Him and need to spend time not only asking but silently being in His presence. As He receives our heart response He allows us time to be still and rest in His comforting presence. Then when we are patient and near to Him the answers will come. Whether they are the ones we wish to receive depends largely on if our requests align with God’s will. The last is the wait. Sometimes prayers are answered immediately but at other times the wait can be years. What we need to know is to have faith that God hears us and wants what is best for us. He uses even the difficult moments to stretch our faith and help us connect with others. There is power in praying alone and with others. 

When Ron and I went through struggles in our marriage, a counselor suggested we separate. We lived in separate homes for years. My prayer and the one I asked others to pray over us was simple. Three words that healed our relationship. Under one roof. Those were hard years. A lot of tears, stress, and being harsh with one another. But the truth is that I cherish that time. It showed us that we belong together. We got back under one roof and a big part of that was beginning a routine of praying together. We would join hands, eyes open and bring the hard conversations to one another with Jesus in the center. It gave us both a safe space to share our hearts that were vulnerable and broken through years of unkindness. I love our life now and wouldn’t change the struggles we went through to get here. 

Prayers are powerful not only in changing our circumstances but mostly in connecting us with the one who is always present in our life. Felix, my six year old grandson, asked me what hell would be like and why we don’t want to go there. My answer is my truth. It is not about fire and brimstone or bashing of teeth. I believe the worst hell is that we are separated from God. His presence and those He places in my life are everything to me. Without Him it is hell. Building the relationship with Him day by day makes it clear just what His presence means in my life. When I don’t make time my life has a bigm gaping hole. 

Let’s all pray for one another not just say we will but share the words with one another right then and  there. God is listening, receiving, responding and waits on us as we wait on Him.

In Him,

Joyful

7-3-26

Ronnie B and Me Roadtrip at Seventy-Family, Felix, and RV Fun

 

Home again, home again after a five week journey in our casita on wheels. What a fun-filled trip Ronnie B and I had celebrating accomplishments of our grandkids, graduations, birthdays and just being present in life with our kids and grands. Here we are back home once again so many memories made along the journey. I failed to blog on this trip but that was because my mornings were filled with conversations, cartoons and just catching up. There is a routine when I am at home that lends itself to blogging. I get up early and do a Bible study with my coffee and then share my heart, my faith, and my life on this page. So here I sit back in my spot on my mom’s couch which she gifted me when she journeyed to heaven. My coffee is hot after a third zap in the microwave and I want to share one thing that has blessed Ron and I. 

 Natalie and Nate entrusted us with Felix for a few weeks. He left his home and jumped in the rv for an adventure with Noni and Papa. This is our second trip with him and he is pure joy and wonder. Always up for what comes next. He is convinced that he picked out all our camp spots and confidently said he found the perfect one each time. The last one had a pair of stray, black kittens that we watched bounce around and fed. Felix reminds me that we are to take life as it comes and be glad in it. He had a broad idea of how long we were traveling and the states we would pass through getting from Washington state to New Mexico. But mostly he put his faith in us believing that we had great plans for him and he would simply go along for the ride. 

Isn’t that how we are supposed to have faith? Believing that even in the worst moments God is with us and will never leave us to deal on our own. There were a few rough patches on our trip. Felix hates blood and gets in a panic not when there is blood but even at the prospect that there could be blood. But knowing we were there with him helped immensely. I feel honored that what usually takes Mama’s kisses and warm hugs could be calmed with Noni and Papa. 

 Felix has not asked to go home but enjoys sharing FaceTime calls with his parents and Auggie multiple times a day. I am sure Felix being gone has been hard on his almost three year old brother. But Auggie is getting all his parents attention and having adventures of his own with them. It will be lonely when Felix returns to Washington but this time with him has been one of the greatest gifts we could receive.Ron and I learned about Pokémon and so much more that Felix could teach us. We were blown away at how well he reads for a kindergarten graduate. It was apparent that we could not be sneaky and spell things because this kid is sharp. His reward when we arrived in Los Alamos was a binder specially made for Pokémon cards along with a pack that he spent time organizing. He assured us that he didn’t need our help and quite frankly didn’t need our input to get it filled. After all, he knows more about these cards than we do and we would only mess it up. Such a joy this kiddo that I get to have as a grandson. 

Thank you Nate and Natalie for allowing us the pleasure of spending time with your family and then trusting us to take Felix, your little man, on this trip with us. I hope there will be many more in our future. After all, Papa and I have the sign on the back of our Chinook……..Adventure before Dementia. And so far at seventy, we are still able to drive and take these fabulous roadtrips. Heck, we have even got enough energy to hang out with all the families and friends. Last night, our granddaughter, Elissa, came over with her two and almost four year old and Felix played in the back yard for hours. I will say that Papa and I slept soundly in our own bed with Felix on a Noni made bed on the floor right beside us. It is good to go but it is also so good to be home. 

In Him,

Joyful

7-2-26

Moving on up in a Variety of Ways

 Moving on up………tis the season. Graduations, retirements, new jobs, summer trips are moving us from one bowl to another. Hopefully, bigger is better. My third grandgirl is graduating high school and her families home life will never be quite what it is right now. I remember thinking that turning forty would surely be my favorite since all my four kids were still home. Here I sit at seventy in my son’s house helping with the bustle of turning the page on high school for now his second daughter. My hope is that this bigger fishbowl and new adventure is not only filled with more water but color, light, new relationships and joy. Whether someone is graduating from kindergarten or retiring from a loved lifelong career, there are mixed emotions of anticipation and the grief of moving away from relationships that have meant so much. Life is full of hellos and goodbyes, new beginnings and last moments. Treasuring all with photographs and memories that may fade but will always be a part of the fiber of who we are is key. Even when the path gets rocky there are lessons to be learned and even an occasional smile at the oh shits of life. All the tears of the final moments are accompanied with shared smiles over what came before. 

Kayla is moving off to college a few hours from home. Felix is going to first grade to learn even more about reading, writing and ‘rithmetic, Lissa completed phlebotomy and will start nursing school in the fall. Our grands are moving forward in wonderful ways to embrace the world. As I write this blog, Millie, my four year old grandgirl is reading over my shoulder and tells me she wants to ride her bike, do crafts, and learn to swim this summer., go camping,, and spend time with her Noni. I may have prompted her on that last one. 

Life is good but it can also be challenging. Thankfully, we have others in our lives to move along the path with us. Even when we are states apart there is always busy chats and phone calls to share what the heck is going on. I am so glad that Papa and I can travel in our little rv. It is best when we visit families of our kids with our own beds just outside on the street. Papa’s code for he is going to take a much needed nap is that he is going to feed Cora her dog food. I believe they are on to us old folks and our need for a bit of quiet and rest. See even we are in a different season of life. Enjoying family but also time to recover and kick our feet up. 

My hope is that you have a sincere filled with others. People you love and want to spend time with. Summertime is just what we need to throw on our flip flops and crank up the barbecue for a bit of charred food and friendly conversations. 

In Him,

Joyful

5-31-26

Let’s welcome June and the warmer weather with a look to the future and all that it holds. 

Wonderful Moments are Happening

 How glorious to wake up with anticipation of a new day. I have been on a journey of believing the best and just this attitude is creating a peaceful, expectant attitude. Nothing has really changed recently so I am not quite sure what is making me feel so expectant of positives in my life. But it is here and I am wallowing in this hopefulness. The one change I can point to is that my prayers have been more believing in situations that have been prayed for decades without movement. One is for my grown children to choose to be in a relationship with one another. Will this ever be the case? I am not sure but I do know that I have accepted whatever God chooses to do in this circumstance. There are other things in life that remain unresolved but I have somehow finally set them down and found a peace with how things are rather than wringing my hands with how I would prefer them to be. Something wonderful has happened. I am no longer feeling the need to fix everything or have my way in other’s lives. Isn’t that a part of the AA saying………change the things I can and accept the things I cannot change.  Peace comes when we let go and let others choose their own paths. Perhaps this peace I have found is that at seventy I have laid down my micromanaging wand and learned to stay in my own lane more. I am convinced that my children and grandchildren are thrilled with me trusting them with their own choices. Do I still pray for them and support them where I can? Absolutely! But Natalie for one has been trying to get me to stop advising her when she doesn’t ask for decades. Maybe this thick skull is finally getting the memo. 

Today, I expect wonderful things to happen. I look forward to packing out for a trip to the northwest in a couple weeks. Elissa is graduating tomorrow from NNMC with a phlebotomy certificate and starts nursing school in the fall. Clara is coming to spend tonight to ride with us in the morning. Our summer intern arrives today from Nepal. Ronnie B has been getting projects around the house completed with Jon’s help. Then I am also spending time on me. My sister always took the time to do her fingernails and put on lotions and potions whereas my mom and I were never really interested in all the girlie things. Lately, I have stepped up my pampering of me. With the help of Zepbound my weight that has always been a burden is not an issue anymore. Food noise is quieted and I am at the weight that I listed on my driver’s license for the first time in decades. I actually feel pretty. That is something I haven’t really felt in my whole life. Funny that this comes at seventy with all my wrinkles and bright white hair but here it is. Heck, I even wore a dress to Elissa’s graduation party. 

Life is good. Life has moments of fear, doubt, frustration but really isn’t that just a part of life for everyone. There are things I hope to do better. There are habits I want to discard. But in the end, I believe this feeling of euphoria is because I have found a way to have grace for me. Rather than dwelling on all the should have, could have, why didn’t I parts of my life, I am choosing to celebrate where I am right in this moment of time. Ronnie B and I are in good health and looking forward to our rv trip. There are hot springs to visit and lakes to swim in along the way to family. Our grandgirl, Kayla, is graduating from high school and on to Western Washington University. So glad we get to be a part of her celebration. What a joy to put most pity parties behind me and enjoy life as it is. God knows I am living a life I don’t deserve but embrace. Family, friendships and faith are such a big part of my joy. For each of you, I am grateful.

In Him,

Joyful

5-15-26

To Have and To Hold, I Want to Live This

 We hear this line to have and to hold in wedding ceremonies but perhaps it should apply to other areas of life as well. Today we seem to be a society of toss it out and replace rather than fix and repair. This simple saying describes my Ronnie B. He would rather repair and hold onto what we have than recycle and get a new anything. 

To have is what we already own or have in our world. I never thought about this line in our vows but the promise is to hold not release or discard. I love that. As many of you know Ronnie B and I were separated for several years. Even in that difficult time in our relationship we continued to bring the family together every evening for dinner. Not knowing how our story would evolve was hard to hold onto hope of a future together. But we never gave up and a little kidney stone brought us back under one roof. I was in agony and went to stay with him for nurturing and nursing. I never left. We began praying together bringing the hard conversations together with Christ in the center. Life has never been better since we still have one another and hold on to our relationship that is half a century in the making. 

Some would say the brokenness was too much to repair but I am forever grateful for that season that showed us just what we have but also what we should hold onto and not throw away. Would it have been easier to just part ways? Absolutely. It took real commitment and getting past hurts to come back together. But I am convinced that our lives would not be the great love story that it is without walking through those hard years. I am forever grateful to my Young Life girls and there three word prayer for us……under one roof. When we got back into one home those girls believed as do I that their prayers were answered. Susi even stitched it on the quilt she made and repaired for us. 

I hope to embrace the to have and to hold in my life. The desire to get something shiny and new only to discard what I already have is tempting. But what a gift to have an old sweater or that comfy couch that used to be my mom’s. Yesterday, I found out that the insurance company didn’t total my car from when I hit a deer this week. My Murano was my dream car but I had been researching other vehicles just in case. I didn’t find anything I would love as much. So I was thrilled when they said they would repair my Deville, yes that is her name. I have her and now I get to hold onto her a bit longer. Last night, the power went out and this morning our microwave wouldn’t worked. I was bummed I couldn’t reheat my coffee. I love this microwave and worried it was toast. But Ron unplugged it for a bit and it works just fine. I get to hold onto it for hopefully many years to come. 

To have and to hold not to toss and replace is the way to live life. It never really hit me that this little phrase in a commitment ceremony was to cling to what we have. I love that. I love my Ronnie B and the life we share because this part of our story kept us from moving forward without one another. Our amazing love story is not all romance and roses but that is what makes it so precious. I plan on holding onto my man for as long as God keeps us both this side of heaven and then reunites us there. 

In Him,

Joyful

5-9-26

I Appreciate Your Prayers

 How do you be there for someone but not overstep? I want to be available to Pat’s daughter who just lost her mom. This is a time when it is all about Stacey and her kids. Losing Ryan taught me that at a time of heart crushing grief, it is hard to be honest about what I needed. Stacey has lost not one parent but now two. While she was busy planning for her dad’s service next weekend she lost her mom suddenly and unexpectedly. While she prepares for relatives and friends for her father she is also meeting with the church and having her mom cremated. How can that be? Too much for anyone to handle. 

So I want to go with her to the church and support her. But I don’t want to be one more person for her to deal with. It is about her not about me. So how do I convey that to her, so she can be honest that she needs me or that it would be too much to have me there. 

Isn’t it hard sometimes to read if our good intentions get in the way of what others need? All this to say that I would like prayers to know whether I am journeying to Albuquerque tomorrow or staying here to pray for my sweet friend’s daughter as she navigates the impossible. Thanks ahead of time for your prayers not only for me but for Pat’s family and loved ones. 

In Him,

Joyful

3-29-26

My Two Pats are Together Enjoying a Heavenly Reunion

 My two Pats………Oh how I envy you spending time together in heaven. There was a bond there that I got to enjoy. You two were my yes gals and prompted me to say yes rather than no to the joyful life experiences. 

My mom never said no but yes let’s do that. When I called her up in Arizona and told her she should pick up Elissa and drive to New Mexico so we could take Natalie to Tennessee, she said okay I am already packing. That resulted in a two week adventure on roads we would never have traveled if not for Mom’s yes. We taught Elissa to swim in the hotel pools and got Natalie to Dollywood for her summer mission. As I get older, I need to remember to consider the yes and not knee jerk my response of a no. 

Sunday the 22nd of March, Pat had a wonderful day with her daughter’s family. It was a day of connecting, laughter and great food. Then on the way home she had a stroke and got to meet her Jesus face to face. What a way to travel to heaven. No long illnesses just here enjoying life and then in His presence reuniting with all those who are already there to greet her. I am heartbroken for myself that Pat is no longer here. She is one of my first calls for prayers or to share the joys of life. Even now I wish I could call her to tell her how much I am going to miss her constant presence in my life.

 Pat was the heart that touched all my kids from the time they were young. A couple years ago, Natalie stayed at Pat’s while she went to school in Albuquerque. Her home was always a refuge and open to all who needed a place to stay. I could just go and crawl into my bed at her home without having to explain that I couldn’t speak but needed to be in her presence. Pat never demanded. She just loved and was available. When Ryan died, I put her in charge of making sure I went to the bathroom. That sounds strange but she took her job seriously. On one occasion as I was dashing off to check off a task, she called me into the hallway. My first thought was what now! Then she hugged me and told me to go potty before doing the next thing. I love her for that. I love her for loving me and my kids. I love her for the quilts she lovingly created that keep me toasty warm and hugged by her even now. I love her for the laughter and the figuring out problems together, for the prayers, for the bologna, cheese, and potato chip sandwiches, for the rest and comfort. I love her. 

I am a bit jealous of her trip to heaven so flawlessly. If I could sign up for my exit plan, I would copy Pat’s. She touched so many with her lovely quilts and open heart. I hope to be more like her when I turn seventy in a couple weeks. She had seventy years here and used them well to love others and share Jesus’ love with them. Her faith was clear in the way she lived and the way she loved. Good job my friend, my sister, you finished well. I adore you. Give Mom and Ryan a hug from me.

In Him,

Joyful

3-24-26

Filling the Rest of My Pages with Others

 I don’t need to get trapped in my missed opportunities or missteps. That old saying of not spending too much time looking in the rear view mirror but casting your eyes toward the windshield is true. Wringing my hands over mistakes from the past wastes my time and I miss what my future holds. Whether someone is five years old or eighty-five years old there is a tomorrow to fill. So I need to be intentional about how I spend my time. What is my life verse? How do I want to live? How do I want people to remember me? Perhaps I should sit down and write my own obituary. What would that say? Would it be filled with how many levels I completed on the games on my phone or would it be about how I reached out to others and let them know how special they are to me? Would it include all the cool gadgets I bought on Amazon or the fact that I shared myself and what I have with others? 

Chris Ynzunza told us to look around her home when we were moving to New Mexico and pick something to put in our new house. She did not have any restrictions on what we chose to take. Her gift was open to anything she owned. I chose a decorative light switch cover that reminded me of her. I placed it in my new laundry room and it always made me feel connected to her. Jenn gave me a water tumbler that she got at Buccees. I loved it and she gave it to me without a thought. When I look around my house, I see the love and caring of others that have gifted me with my most precious possessions. I want others to see me in the things I have gifted them and memories of times we spent together. 

I have been going over in the mornings and helping Elissa get my two great-grandkiddos ready for daycare in the mornings. She appreciates the help getting them dressed and me bringing McDonald’s pancakes for breakfast. But I am the real winner. I get to know the kids a little better and they greet me with joy and a great, big hug. This time is planting their Noni in their hearts a little more each day. A couple days ago, I had them raise their hands and say WAHOO then I tickled their little armpits. It is something I did with Elissa’s dad and then with Elissa. It is important to me to share the little Noni~isms with my grandkids and now even greats. That is time well spent. 

So what are your list of to do’s? I don’t mean grocery shopping or scrubbing toilets but the things that will bring you to mind now and when you are no longer here. My dad used to ask Cameron what did  the bear get out of the tree? Cam would answer honey. Ryan was always cooking up delicious concoctions for us to try. He even brought a pizza he made to a restaurant one day when I was out with my girlfriends. It didn’t matter that we were already eating. His enthusiasm for us to try it won us over. It was tasty by the way. 

I hope kids remember their Noni, please get my beefy legs, my spider fingers and spending time in the not so hot tub on the back porch. My pages from this day forward should be filled with others pouring into me as I pour into them. My grandgirl, Elissa, just walked in my house so that is my cue to stop typing and go enjoy the day with her. She gives me Friday mornings to hang out and help each other with tasks that take the two of us. What a gift!

In Him,

Joyful

2-6-26

Bri’s Faith and Gifts

 My niece, Briana, made me this beautiful faith poster. I love it. I put it over my desk and it is perfect there. I love her faith and courage. Even when life gets hard, she has God in her corner. Her Aunt Barbara is always here to when she needs to talk. I hope she always remembers that. 

Bri is going through a transition right now. It is scary when one door closes and you have to step through into an unknown. She courageously has taken steps toward her future and I couldn’t be prouder of her. The truth is it would have been easy for her to settle and stay in the comfort of where she was. But she took the bold steps necessary to believe that God has better for her. The future is uncertain but she has the confidence that God is with her and knows her path. I love that. 

I learn a lot from this young woman about courage and faith. Her never quit attitude has been the reason she has overcome so many hurdles in life. I hope to live life with as much enthusiasm and fortitude that my niece does.

 Life is not always easy or predictable. But we never have to settle or take steps on our own. God surrounds us with people to support and encourage us to move toward our future even when it is unclear what the future will be. You go Bri! I can’t wait to see where your life will take you next. Always remember your family and your aunt are right here with you. 

In Him,

Joyful

1-23-26

Simplify Your Prayers and Just have a Conversation

And it doesn’t have to be a long conversation but just a sweet connection. My teens and I each came up with a three word prayer for one another. Speaking to Jesus on behalf of others is a good way to begin. After all, the commandments love God, love others is our life’s purpose. If you are not a prayer warrior as some call those who pray continually, don’t be intimidated. Prayer has no formula and nobody is better at praying than anyone else. Prayer is a moment that I can spend time with Jesus to seek help, give thanks, or just rest in our relationship. 

Ronnie B told me that Jesus was a simple man. He is also a simple savior. His expectations are not complex. Believe in Him and be saved. Spend time with Him and learn the direction He has for you. I am a firm believer in spending time in the Bible but also listening to women’s Bible podcast and YouTube videos. Lisa Harper’s Back Porch Theology is incredible. TBN has Better Together that brings five women of faith together to discuss His direction for life and the struggles that He has seen them through. I never end a video by Chrystal Evans Hurst without having a bit more clarity to steps forward. 

Whatever way you connect with Jesus is time well spent in building your life and relationship with Him. Whether you are on your knees, hands up in a group or sitting under a cozy blanket with your cup of piping hot coffee, He is present. His desire is for us to know Him and share Him with others. Sharing His love for me is my desire because I don’t want anyone I love or anyone who crosses my path to walk through life without the relationship I have with Jesus. Of course, He puts others in my life to be there for me, to support and defend me, and to spend time growing together. But time spent in prayer is my life blood. I could not imagine living a day without a quiet conversation with Jesus. It would be like spending the day without oxygen. His breath in my lungs and His love in my life sustain me. 

Keep it simple. Don’t overthink prayer. Just listen and share your moment. It is even a good thing if your mind wanders. That errand thought may be just what you need to speak to Jesus about. Yes, He even cares about our schedule, chores, worries, and distractions. My three word prayer was under one roof. Ronnie B and I were separated for years and the girls prayed these three simple words for us. We have now been back under one roof and better together than we ever were apart. The healing of our relationship didn’t just happen. It took building relationship and trust through time spent together. Spend time with those in your life that need healing. Shine a light on and lean in to relationships that need tending. Likewise, embrace the sweet words you can share in prayer. Praying together was one big change in our relationship as Ron and I put Jesus in the middle of difficult conversations. 

Here is a simple prayer I call Lissa’s prayer that I learned before she lost her Daddy and ultimately stood up and prayed at his memorial when she was only four years old. 

Lord above comfort me. Give me courage. Help me see. Guide my actions. Guide my words. Let me know my prayers are heard. Amen.

Comfort, courage direction and trust in His hearing me. Jesus was a simple man. Don’t over complicate spending time with Him.

In Him,

Joyful

1-9-26

 

Who Would You be if You Hadn’t Left too Soon? Who Would We be if You Were Still Here?

 Kenny Chesney wrote a song, I Wonder Who You’d Be Today.  That got me thinking about my Ryan and all the life we have lived the past sixteen years without him. How would our family look different/better if Ryan was still here? In many ways, Ryan was the glue of our family. He loved deeply and connected his siblings to one another. There are fractures in their relationships now and it is one of my biggest heartbreaks. How can it be that they choose to stay distant when they know the loss of their brother. Then I begin spiraling that it is my fault that they are not close. Somehow I failed as their mother to teach them to love and appreciate one another. Oh the pain this division causes me. 

So who would Ryan be today but more importantly somehow is who would those he loved be if we had the gift of him continuing to be in our lives. I can’t imagine how Elissa could be any more enjoyable but her life would have been enhanced by the encouragement of her Daddy. He would be that grandpa to Caleb that led him on adventures and mischief. I just know it in my soul. 

I feel strongly that Ry is exactly where he is supposed to be and know that God sees the big picture of our paths here on earth as well as in heaven. But I can’t help wondering if some of our brokenness would not be here if we had not lost our son, brother, father, husband, and friend so soon. 

Each of us is affected by those around us. The loss of a precious piece of our lives impacts not only that moment but the life we live forward with that missing piece. I am reminded almost daily of the impact loved ones lost have on me even all these years later. Ryan’s Hello Barbara message on my phone still gets me smiling. The lessons my mom and dad taught me in life to be generous and inclusive still guides me even as I approach my seventieth birthday. My Gramma’s randomness and being willing to be inappropriate allows me to be my authentic self. If Gramma Peabody could act up so can I. After all, I am elderly now and people will assume I don’t know what I am saying. Her words and philosophy that I have readily adopted. 

So here is to considering who our loved ones would be while also imagining how our life would have unfolded differently if they were still here with us. What a gift it is to love so deeply that the loss remains for the rest of our lives. While the gift of our moments together outweighs the heartache as we look back over videos and pictures. Recalling Ryan bugging my mom with Austin Power quirky comments on our Alaska trip will always be my favorites. He went far enough to get her to throw her prosthetic boob at him. He feigned outrage and assured her that she had indeed scarred him for life. What actually happened was one of the best moments. It makes me consider that they are up in heaven enjoying nonsense and sharing love even now. 

Thank you. Each of you for reading my heart. The gift of this blog is one of my greatest treasures to visit the moments in my life. For you I am grateful.

In Him,

Joyful

1-4-26

Hello 2026 Soon to be a Part of My Life and Love

Here we come walking into a new year, adventures we can’t even imagine. Ronnie B and I both turn seventy this year. A decade that once felt so far away. This life is peaceful, full of hope and connections as we turn a page on our sixties and tiptoe forward. 

It is strange how each season of life can be fretted over or embraced and enjoyed. When our four kiddos were young and we were in the hustle of sports and potty training, it seemed that the busyness of the season would never end. Then came the teenage years, loss of loved ones and career commitments took our time and energy. This season of a slower pace is delightful. But I miss the scurrying around to get everyone where they needed to be. The scuffles between siblings and all the incredible trips we squeezed into our ninteteen foot camper van to take leave me with smiles and a heart filled. 

Ronnie B got out some old home movies while Tanner and Bethan were here. I love revisiting the moments our chosen family shared. It also brings tears to my eyes as I recognize all that Ryan missed when he left our world too soon. But he gifted us with Dorothy and Elissa and eventually Amalia which fills our days with joy and laughter. 

So here is to 2026 the next year on the calendar that will soon be filled with family and friends moments to look back on in 2030. Woah! That is hard to imagine. Hopefully, I will remember to get out my phone and record more of them on digital film. Here is to all of you who gift me with sharing my story and my life. Can’t wait to get back to blogging more consistently in 2026. It is a treasure I give myself for my mental health and to connect with each of you. Thank you.

In Him,

Jofyul

1-1-26

 

Let Them Be and Serve Others as Best I Can

 

This was a lesson I learned well when I was loving my mom through Alzheimer’s. It wasn’t necessary to correct her and I could endure watching Golden Girls for hours on end. Funny thing is that now that she has been gone over six years, I find myself watching those old episodes on repeat just to remember time spent with her. But this is not just a lesson for loving my mom well. But this way of living and loving others needs to be how I encounter others each and everyday. Heck, other people put up with me and my quirkiness on a daily basis. 

It has taken me a lifetime to relax into just being and not judging or fretting over what seemed off to me. A couple circumstances that come to mind. Always kiss me goodnight is something I hoped Ronnie B would do for me. He always comes to bed after me and rarely woke me up for a kiss. A God poke showed me I could get my kiss if I kissed my guy before I went off to bed. Problem solved. The other heart hurt I have is when families have pictures of all of them together. My kids and grandkids have not all been togerher since Ryan died almost sixteen years ago. God poke showed me I can have a picture of all my family one unit at a time. Ron and I asked the kids to take a family picture for us this Christmas. We are gong to put each of these up in our dining room. Whalaaaa all my family on a wall full of pictures. Why have I spent so long feeling sorry for myself over a kiss or a photo? Because I wanted others to do what I wanted or thought I needed rather than embracing them for who they are. My prayer is still for my grown kids and their families to enjoy being together but if that does not happen I can still enjoy each of them now. 

This year Tanner and Bethany made it for Christmas. It was quiet but incredibly intimate and enjoyable. What a gift it is that Ron and I have such a large family with kids, grands, and greats that we get to spend time with. 

So today as I reflect on who I want to be in 2026 it is to serve others and accept everyone for who they are and enjoy spending time with others in my life. 

So forgive me if I correct you or let my orphan spirit worry that you did not include me. Let me see that others whether my closest friends or the guy behind me in the checkout line are all living the best they know how. Each of us look out at others and assume they have life so much better than we do. The truth is everyone deals with the messiness behind those perfect family pictures. The smiles may have been momentary between conflicts that remain unresolved. Let me assure you that even with the muddy mess that is sometimes my life, there are always joys and love through even the darkest seasons. 

To serve is my hope for 2026. Waiters serve and while we are in waiting seasons it is better to serve than sit and wring our hands. So I am going to be intentional about putting down the games on my phone and spend more time connecting with others. But today, Ronnie B and I are enjoying leftovers and watching football. My Seahawks are on fire. For that I am grateful. Love me even if you are not a Seahawks fan.

In Him,

Joyful

12-28-25

I Strive to Remind You that for those Tears I Died~Peace in Community

 Trust, fear not, turn your hands up to let go of what you cannot control. God knows that we have anxiety about the possibility of loss, death, illness and betrayal. He knows that each of us will face. the hard things life most definitely will throw at us. The truth is none of us lives a life free of heart crushing circumstances. What He also promises that not a one of us has to walk through life’s storms alone. We have community to lean in and comfort us with their embraces and their love. Jesus promises to be only a whisper away in the dark of night when our mind spirals to the worst case scenario. We can be sure that even when things are not as we hoped for or even what we feared, there is hope that each step is toward His light. 

And Jesus said come to the water stand by my side. I know you are thirsty, you won’t be denied. I felt every teardrop when in darkness you cried. And I strive to remind you that for those tears I died. This song has been a comfort throughout my life. It is His promise that I don’t grieve alone. That He is ever present in my story and provides others to share my journey. 

Step close if you or someone you love is going through uncertainty. Wrap your love and support around others and let others wrap you in their arms. We were made to live life in community not alone in our bed. Fear is real but so is the comfort that comes with openly sharing our fears with others. Don’t make the mistake of telling yourself that everything is going to be alright. It will be what it will be but the good thing is that we will walk through the even if together. Then celebrate and rejoice that God knows our steps and will lead us by the hand through even the most difficult situations. 

I would never choose to lose my son to suicide or have a son who is homeless in Los Angeles but here I am worrying about the son who still lives and at peace with the fact that one of my sons is safely in Jesus’ arms. The blessings that have come over the past fifteen years since losing Ryan don’t change the fact that I would change it if I could. But because it is my reality, I embrace the ways God has allowed me to touch others because of my walk through loss. Life is going to have hills and valleys, sunny days and stormy ones but I know that I am never alone. I have the opportunity to rejoice and grieve with those in my life who never miss a moment to reach out. For this I am grateful and this gives me peace.

In Him,

Joyful

11-11-25

Happy #2 Auggie Doggie!

 Auggie is two today. Two cute, two cool, two adorable that is our grandson. This little guy is just so happy and loving. His Mama’s hair is probably his favorite thing along with the Yeti stuffie that any little guy living in Tacoma should have. 

I am so thankful that he was born a New Mexican and lived here for the first months of his life. Papa and I have got to see him in Washington as well as on FaceTime. I just love when he recognizes my voice and says he loves his Noni. What a charmer. 

There were a lot of people praying for this little one. His mom was involved in a near fatal accident when a truck turned in front of her vehicle. She tirelessly went for ultrasounds every week for the last months of her pregnancy to make sure this little man was okay. We were so grateful for all who prayed and for the answered prayers when he was born as a perfect baby boy. What a faith it took to bring him into our family. We are forever grateful for his health and adorability. Is that a word? 

Happy birthday August Elliot Madlem. Noni and Papa adore you. 

In Him,

Joyful

8-23-25