I Am Not Okay

I am not okay. Well, let me rephrase, I am physically okay, but I am an emotional wreck. Today started off  fantastic. First, I had breakfast with my wonderful husband, then rode in a parade on a school bus with some of my favorite people, next lunch with a special teenage friend, saw my grandkids at the pond, and finally took off to spend a relaxing evening with a sister/friend. Sounds busy but absolutely perfect.

Then driving down our steep, winding front hill road, I lost control of my car on rain soaked roads. The car turned this way and that several times coming close to hitting the middle concrete barrier and so close to the cliff dropoff. Moments before I was remembering where my son wrecked his little truck years ago and praying no one would crash on these drenched roads.

This felt like my car was floating above the road and I was mentally aware of what I knew to do; turn into the skid, don't over correct, stay calm. But I wasn't calm. I thought my life was over and I ached for  loved ones I would leave behind. Every out of control moment seemed to scream in my head all the tragedies of my life from losing Ryan to being assaulted so many years ago.

When the slip sliding was finally over and I knew I was okay I couldn't quit repeating, "Thank you Lord." Over and over I chanted unable to stop. I do thank God. I thank God there were no other cars in my sporatic path, that I am emotionally shaken but physically okay. I thank God for those I love and those who love me. For Ron calling me over and over as I sat for an hour in the rain unable to drive up or down the hill. I thank God for being here safely in my bed with my jammies on.

When I was young and something joltingly bad happened I would buck up and pretend everything was just fine. No one needed to know that I was not okay. In fact, I wouldn't even admit to myself that I was not okay. But now I know it is okay when something terrifies me, to feel unsettled and realize I need others and time to get over it. So I am giving myself permission to rest, reflect and be thankful.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

In Him,

Joyful