Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Ryan Is Safe

Thankful for my Ryan up in heaven. Yesterday, I found out another mom is terrified and heartbroken with the reality that she doesn't know where her son is. He has disappeared. The 2 rescue dogs that were most important to him were left alone in his apartment to starve. His mother's heartache is not from the fact that he is front page news as a heartless animal killer but that whatever is broken in him that caused him to leave must be monumental. The judging of her son will fade but his own safety and the unknown are impossible.

I feel almost guilty and lucky that Ryan is gone. Not that I would ever choose to have my son take his life. The pain and worry of where he is and how he is are over. Never again do I have to go through losing him. My grief is still real and the emptiness of living without him in this life is unbearable. But the saying goodbye is behind me along with the coming to terms with reality.

My prayers are with this family and all the families who can't get in touch with their children. The not knowing, the worry of what if, the fear of the brokenness being too great to bear is all consuming. I don't envy them. I pray for them to have the strength, the courage, the knowledge that depression and drug abuse  are greater than our love sometimes.

My greatest blessing is that my son shared his faith and I know he rests in Christ's arms even as my arms ache to hold him. I have not been haunted by all the what ifs that could turn my precious memories to guilt. Nor have I been terrorized by images of his death but have been gifted with memories of his smile that lit up his eyes.

Today I am thankful for the hardest reality of my life and the love I still cling to of my son.

In Him,


  1. It is hard to write anything here in the comments, but I will say I admire you for sharing here about your son Ryan, and for your prayers for the mom whose son is missing. I will pray for him and his mom.

  2. Thank you Barbara, for sharing your heart with us. I have raised a prayer for you, and for the mon and her son, to the ears of our Saviour.