Taking a breath.
I am feeling like it is okay to take a breath and let go of the fears I have over my children. It is so difficult to let go and trust that they are in God's hands. Losing Ryan left more ache in my heart than I admitted. Not that I didn't grieve him but that I no longer worried about him. Knowing he had a faith and was in Christ's arms was how I comforted my heart. I truly believe Ry is safe, loved and in Him. However, that did not and does not take away the loneliness for my son.
My other adult children have faith too. Unfortunately they also have stresses, grief, and even addictions to overcome. Ron and I know a couple other families who lost not one but two of their precious children. This makes it all to real that we are not immune to losing another of ours.
Tanner has struggled with getting his life on track the past couple of years. His journey has made it real on a daily basis that we could lose him to his choices. It has been a terrifying roller coaster of emotions, finances, and sleepless nights. There will be continued challenges but my phone call with him yesterday gave me some peace. I took a breath.
My desire would be to rest in Him and not worry over my children but the reality is I worry. One gift is that I have not had anger at God through all of the grief and worry. Being angry would separate me from my greatest support. Having Christ walk with me through the storms of the past is how I was able to get up in the morning. I wish I could just turn my hands up and breath but the reality is that we all have free will and life does include loss. Let go and let God is a great concept but so very hard to live.
Today I am taking a breath and trusting that my Tanner is on a path to healing. Prayers of thanksgiving and a sense of peace is mine. Tomorrow I will be reassured that whatever life holds for my family, God will be just a whisper away. Amen