Accepting Me Everyday

I am so thankful we have your voice and laugh recorded so I can just breath in the sound of you. Each picture and video gives me a chance for a visit with who you are, who you were and the love you had for others.

There are moments life occurs and I just need to pick up the phone and hear you on the other end. Will there ever come a day I can take your phone number out of my contact list? I tell myself it is okay to leave it there even though a different voice would answer if I pressed send.

I see you in others around me. Some that are a part of your story and some who just have something that seems familiar. Others' generosity reminds me of you. When I see someone take time to lift others up, you are right there in front of me.

Too often now life moves along without you in my daily thoughts. This breaks my heart. Guilt wells up in me at how easy it is to get caught up. Suddenly in a quiet moment a thought turns to you and my breath catches. That is when you are right there with me, in my heart.

How fortunate I am to have others in my life who share my love and my loss. I am comforted by their understanding of how different life is without you. Truth is I am who I am today because you were here but also because you are gone. My loss is such a large part of who I am. It takes time but I am trying to be comfortable in this new skin that is me.

I have to learn to love this new me. No longer do I surround myself with others, spend time out and about, but am alone so much more. It is still difficult accepting that I don't engage in life like I used to. Accepting me and letting me be me is vital. Beating myself up for not reaching out will not serve me. Better to let my life unfold from here and enjoy who I am today. I am not who I was but this is still me, the new me.

Do I miss you? Everyday.

In Him,
Joyful
11-20-15