Lately, I have felt a bit isolated from others. This is clearly my own choices in the season that I am in. But the reality is that there are those of you who are with me even when I am not up to going out for a cup of coffee or a meal. Hearts are connected even when eyes don't meet.
So often lately I have started to drive down to a friend's home to just sit and absorb her family, my family. But I stall on the way and come back to my own little chair. Calling others is put off and reaching out just doesn't happen. That doesn't mean that I don't care or that I am not cared for. Too often I convince myself that I am on my own. That is just wrong, negative thinking. Each of us can get into this place and convince ourselves that we are on our own.
How often do others perceive my disconnect as abandonment? This fact makes me so sad. Yesterday, I tried to go see a sweet friend in a rehab center who is recovering from a broken hip. I have only been there once in the few weeks she has been there. I didn't even make it to her room. My gagging overcame me and I had to bail. Frustrating! Seeing her is important to me. Being there for her is important to me. But I couldn't make it to her door.
Please don't judge others if they don't reach out to you. Please don't convince yourself that they don't care for you. Each of us is living out our own stories. It may not be you that they are avoiding at all. This reminds me of the old way of tracking Christmas cards. There was even a sort of Christmas card address book. The rule was if you sent a card to someone for 3 years and didn't receive one back you took them off your list. When Ron and I were separated I didn't send out a single card. It was just too painful to share my aches. There were friends of ours who knocked us off their list but continued sending a card to my mom. If you still have this tracking system, please throw it out. Often the person who can't or doesn't send a card needs your touch more that year than ever before.
I need to go back to being intentional about reaching out and spending time with those I love. Even if it is a phone call a day to someone that will help. Isolation can simply be a bad habit of cocooning rather than interacting. Time to make a plan to shake this habit. Just know, it is me not you. Sometimes that really is the truth.