Pronoia~Life Conspiring to Bless Me

Pronoia is a worldview that says that every person, place, thing and circumstance in this Universe is actually conspiring to bless you.

In life I have had more opportunities from the tragedies in my life than I can recall. There are paths that I couldn’t have walked without the heartbreaks I have endured. These are a few though an incomplete list.

Infertility led Ron and I to adoption and finding our chosen family which is just as it should be. I can’t imagine my kids in someone else’s house. We are blessed with four fabulous kids who have grown into adults that we love and admire. Better still is the gift of being Noni and Papa to our five grandkids. During those dark days it was hard to envision life turning out so blessed.

Enduring the loss of not one but two adoptions that ended in empty arms seemed too much to bear after all the medical not going to happen news. Then we got the news from a friend that her sister was pregnant and wanted to find a loving family for her child. Score! God is good. What we didn’t know was although she wanted us to raise Logan, her heart had a hole that couldn’t be filled until she took him back into her arms and out of ours when he was two months old. We couldn’t see how this could possibly be God’s plan but we did all we could to make his transition from Logan to Austin as smooth as possible. Then we went parasailing in Cancun. The reality was if we would have kept Logan we would not have been blessed with our son, Cameron. He was ours because we were a couple whose adoption hadn’t worked out. So here we are with our supposed to be son because of the heartbreak we endured without giving up that God had the perfect family for us.



Natalie was born at 28 weeks with severe head bleeds. The prognosis for her being healthy were slim. Some said she would never even suck and had a ninety percent chance of being severely retarded and quadriplegic. Nope! Not only is Natalie now a 29 year old yoga instructor who rock climbs better than most, but she is beautiful too. Beautiful in spirit as well as a natural beauty who is so easy to love.

Six years of separation after a high school romance that became toxic with our not having grace for each other was Ron’s and my path. We never gave up and the pain of a kidney stone brought me back home to him for recovery. Recovery which was not just of the kidney stone passing but us finding our hearts to forgive each other and rebuild together. Some things can be healed completely. Our amazing love story is one of them. Without the heartbreak of separation we may have stayed in our unhealthy patterns spewing our hate rather than spreading our love on one another.

A big one is the loss of my 24 year old son, Ryan, to suicide almost nine years ago. God knows that was the hardest truth I have endured in my life. Losing Logan to his birthmother’s arms was difficult. Losing Ryan to my Father’s arms as he was no longer in my arms but in His arms in Heaven was life shattering. God gave me writing and walked beside me every step of my grieve. The blessings that came from this heartbreak have been so many. Ron and I have walked beside others who have lost their children way too soon. It has given me the opportunity to be there for other families who may not have accepted my help without my own story of loss and pain. Finally, it has recently brought me to a weekly gathering of twenty something, sisters who have lost a brother too soon. What a bright spot these young ladies are in my life. Laughter and joy fills my home when they gather to eat the meal I cook for them on Tuesday nights. What a blessing.

There are others that I won’t expand on her. Like being attacked with scissors to my throat in my home with nine month old Cameron sleeping in his crib. Tanner falling 80 felt off a cliff into a fire and surviving with four crushed vertebrae that he almost completely recovered from. Finally, wathching my best friend who is also my Mom slip away with Alzheimer’s.

Pronoia is the opposite of paranoia. Knowing that there are blessings that come out of the heartbreaks. Not getting stuck in the ‘why me’ but seeking the opportunities to turn each circumstance into an chance to grow and connect. 

In Him,
Joyful
3-23-19