Open Hands so Life can Unfold

 

 Clenched fists.......open hands.......clenched fists.......open hands........I know I struggle with opening my hands and releasing my will, my wants, my insecurities. Last night I felt a victory. Talking to mystery about  precious son the conversation turned to the upcoming Christmas season. Let me just start with the fact that my children are splintered and have not spoken with each other in years. This is probably my biggest sorrow in life. For years I have prayed, bribed, and bullied to get them to come together to no avail. I have been working with my Christian counselor to stop clenching my hands and accept that they will have a relationship when and if they decide to. It is also okay for me to enjoy each of my kids and their families separately. 

It is hard to see other families doing life together and not be jealous. But I know God has my kid's hearts and their relationship with Him is what will heal the broken relationships in His timing. So my work to release my grip and my will has been a big focus this year. It just so happens that all my kids will most likely be in our little hometown this Christmas. In the past, I would have moved mountains to get them together but not this year. Last night, I told my son to not worry that I would pressure him to see his brother. That I was okay, truly okay if that didn't happen. Wow! I really am okay if they don't see each other. That is the Holy Spirit working to soften my stubborn heart because I kept clenching my fist to have my way. Of course, I would be thrilled to have them together but am also willing to enjoy time spent with them individually. 

My son recognized the shift in me. He told me he could see how much I have worked on letting go of expectations. Tanner has addictions that have derailed his life and the stress I put on him kept him from coming home for years. His acknowledging that my open hands has made it easier for him to be here without the pressure I used to place on him. What a victory that God is delivering me from the greed I had to have life on my terms. I knew my stubbornness wouldn't solve anything but I had such a hard time setting it down. 

Now I realize if I had my way what a miserable time we all have l would of had. When my adult kiddos do come together on their own it will be a joy not an obligation. I will continue to pray for the healing of their relationships but also pray for me to let them unfold without my force. There is pride in myself that I am no longer opening my hands just to clinch them again. Therapy works and it is a gift I have finally been willing to give myself and my family. The result has been a better version of me and letting go of some things that I didn't even know I needed to release. 

I look forward to the holidays and having my kids and their families in our little town. It makes me so grateful that their spouses parents also live here so when they come to see them Ronnie B and I get to enjoy time with them as well. My jealousy is not completely gone but it is no longer causing pressure on me or my family. For that I am thankful. See old dogs can learn new tricks and grow in positive ways. 

In Him,

Joyful

11-8-23