Yesterday was five years since my mom passed away. Teri and I were with her along with her two sons, our husbands, Ron and Allen. Little did any of us know that a short sixteen months later my precious sister would take her final breath alone in a hospital with covid. Teri’s birthday is July 19th and then the twenty-ninth mom passed away.
It has brought me to a place of grieve but also reflecting on our lives as a family. We always had a variety of animals living in the stalls in our back acres. Dad was big on having horses, goats, donkeys, bunnies, and any other creature that came his way. It was fun at first when we were so excited for a new pet. Then came the feeding, watering, and mucking out the stalls. Our thoughts of dad’s choices were not so glowing during all the work. But I am forever grateful for the life we led. It was one of camping, family, and celebration. We didn’t have much money but we never went hungry. Vacations were never a thing because if dad had work he was busy. If he didn’t have a job as a carpenter or contractor then he had time but we weren’t sure where or when the next money would come from. Mom was dad’s bookkeeper and did a great job of holding on to what he made and yet giving us kids the wonderful life we lived.
This week has had me reflecting and in a bit of a funk. We were a family of four and now I am one. Others say I need to appreciate the family and relationships I have. I do. But it is also okay to take a few days and be honest in my missing those who are no longer here. Picking up the phone to share a moment is not possible. Giving one another a great big hug is not happening. But resting with my memories and photos is healing. Yesterday, I spent the day in my pajamas and didn’t leave the house. I caught up on bills and mail that were unopened, watched the Olympics, and just spent time in my own thoughts. It was a very good day. It was just the day I needed. Today my plan is to drink my coffee with Bible study, write where my heart is to you, and actually shower, get dressed, and get some things done.
Grace to grieve is a gift I give myself. Being honest about what I need is important to get through the waves of missing others. It even feels a bit of FOMO~ fear of missing out~ to think of the three of them up in heaven with my son Ryan while I am here missing out. There will come a day we will all be together and what a party it will be. Until then I will enjoy the life I lead and pause when I need to be a bit lonely. Their laughter is truly the thing I miss the most.
In Him,
Joyful
7-30-24
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