Who Would You be if You Hadn’t Left too Soon? Who Would We be if You Were Still Here?

 Kenny Chesney wrote a song, I Wonder Who You’d Be Today.  That got me thinking about my Ryan and all the life we have lived the past sixteen years without him. How would our family look different/better if Ryan was still here? In many ways, Ryan was the glue of our family. He loved deeply and connected his siblings to one another. There are fractures in their relationships now and it is one of my biggest heartbreaks. How can it be that they choose to stay distant when they know the loss of their brother. Then I begin spiraling that it is my fault that they are not close. Somehow I failed as their mother to teach them to love and appreciate one another. Oh the pain this division causes me. 

So who would Ryan be today but more importantly somehow is who would those he loved be if we had the gift of him continuing to be in our lives. I can’t imagine how Elissa could be any more enjoyable but her life would have been enhanced by the encouragement of her Daddy. He would be that grandpa to Caleb that led him on adventures and mischief. I just know it in my soul. 

I feel strongly that Ry is exactly where he is supposed to be and know that God sees the big picture of our paths here on earth as well as in heaven. But I can’t help wondering if some of our brokenness would not be here if we had not lost our son, brother, father, husband, and friend so soon. 

Each of us is affected by those around us. The loss of a precious piece of our lives impacts not only that moment but the life we live forward with that missing piece. I am reminded almost daily of the impact loved ones lost have on me even all these years later. Ryan’s Hello Barbara message on my phone still gets me smiling. The lessons my mom and dad taught me in life to be generous and inclusive still guides me even as I approach my seventieth birthday. My Gramma’s randomness and being willing to be inappropriate allows me to be my authentic self. If Gramma Peabody could act up so can I. After all, I am elderly now and people will assume I don’t know what I am saying. Her words and philosophy that I have readily adopted. 

So here is to considering who our loved ones would be while also imagining how our life would have unfolded differently if they were still here with us. What a gift it is to love so deeply that the loss remains for the rest of our lives. While the gift of our moments together outweighs the heartache as we look back over videos and pictures. Recalling Ryan bugging my mom with Austin Power quirky comments on our Alaska trip will always be my favorites. He went far enough to get her to throw her prosthetic boob at him. He feigned outrage and assured her that she had indeed scarred him for life. What actually happened was one of the best moments. It makes me consider that they are up in heaven enjoying nonsense and sharing love even now. 

Thank you. Each of you for reading my heart. The gift of this blog is one of my greatest treasures to visit the moments in my life. For you I am grateful.

In Him,

Joyful

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