Daddy sang me Happy Birthday from Heaven

He should have been here! Lissa will just have to have her birthdays and other special days without him. We are going to take her to Disneyland this weekend and to the beach. Wish he was here to see her smiles. It is 1 of those days when I just can't understand how he chose to leave her and all of us behind.

Ron said we will take his ashes and toss some in the ocean where he once enjoyed surfing. Okay, that is nice I guess. But really, not so much! I don't want to take Ry's ashes to California, I want to take Ry to California. Not even close to being okay with me that he is not going to crack jokes and call me beautiful. That his delightful daughter won't have him to teach her to be kind to all people at the park and in life.

I am definitely wallowing in a pity party tonight. It is not okay for me, his mom, but I had 24 years with him. This sweet angel didn't even get 6 years with him. Even when he was here he wasn't there for her most of the time. I think this was 1 of the hardest things for him in his life and in his addictions. not being there for his precious daughter. Ryan ached that he was not there for all those he loved. He was always more disappointed in himself than any of us were.

The loss of his life, the absence of his presence in our lives seems so unnecessary. I just pray that others can make a different choice and realize that the best way out of any situation, no matter how difficult, is to just keep moving through. Life has highs and lows for everyone, some have a harder time than others but life always cycles through and things never stay horrible forever. There are always better times ahead, we just have to stick around to experience them.

So it has obviously been a long bittersweet day. All 4 of my grandkids were here enjoying each other. Boy, did Timmy love his cupcake and ice cream. Now, as it is getting late, Lis is sitting here building with her new, GIRL Legos. She just looked over and saw the fresh tears in my eyes. We talked a bit about her Daddy. In all her 6 year old wisdom, she told me not to be sad. 'Daddy is up in heaven with Jesus, and Noni, he sang me Happy Birthday in Heaven to me this morning. He misses being here for my birthday, but he needs to be there and it is okay.'

Simplifying is key. I believe Ry is in heaven, I believe he is at peace. I just selfishly want him here with us.  But I will get through. Her hugs and simple logic help me so much.

In Him,
Joyful
7-13-2013