Gunther Toodys Dinner For 2

The moral of the movie Click  was that we really don't want  to fast forward life not even the tough parts. So I am going to bravely approach the next few months and let myself (ugh) live through them however I am able.

Some of you will recognize that today is 10 months. 10 months and 1 day since my only Easter birthday that I remember. 10 months minus 1 day since my incredible daughter turned 20. Exactly 10 months ago at this hour since the phone call that changed my life. My son's suicide is my reality. The love and support of amazing people is more than I could ever hope for. BUT i miss my son. Nothing else seems as good as the missing him is bad.

Somethings have no earthly explanation. This week I was at a reading conference in Denver where he died. My loving mom came with me for support. Bad weather and a hectic schedule kept us cooped up in the hotel all week. But Friday night, I decided to take us both on a drive. Our poorly planned entrance onto the freeway in downtown Denver at 5:30 made for slow going. After about half an hour of bumper to bumper gridlock we decided to take the Colorado Blvd. exit to find a place to eat. Nothing caught our eye except a restaurant called Woohoo on the other side of the boulevard. So we decided to turn around and see what kind of food they served. Mom had already vetoed Old Chicago, a pizza place.

The side street we were using to turn back on placed me directly in front of a Gunther Toodys. Ryan was supposed to start working at a Gunther Toodys on Natalie's 20th birthday last year. Um, yes we did decide we had to go in and eat there. Still completely unsure if this was Ry's Gunther Toody, I asked the waitress if we were in Glendale. As expected, she confirmed that we were indeed in one of the last places Ryan had been this side of heaven. Leaning back in the booth of this 50s burger  joint, I could have seen him happily serving people here.  The oldies blasting and the waitresses in their ponytails and bobby socks would have surely made him smile. This place just was meant to make you tap your feet and enjoy yourself.

Out of the enormous metropolis that is Denver, God gently guided us to a place that helped me heal. Going to this conference I was unsure if I would be drawn to drive by the apartment where my son took his last breath. I had prepared myself to pray and be honest about my needs and try to follow my heart. What I didn't realize was that my Father had an even more healing path in mind for me.

Mom and I enjoyed our mound of french fries and shared some fond memories of the son and grandson that we were blessed to share our lives with. Driving home we realized we were only 5 short miles from the hotel. Funny how far it felt driving in the rush hour traffic. Maybe we needed to get our timing just right. If I hadn't been in the car myself I probably would find it hard to swallow how unaware we were of where we were actually headed.

The last 10 months have been difficult in so many ways. The next few months as we pass his birthday and then approach Natalie's and mine with his departure day tucked right in between will be so lonely. Yet, we will find blessings through our tears just as we have when we look back over the last 10 months.
I pray for each of us to be honest about how we are and to cling to each other for the support through the loneliness.

In Him,
Joyful
2-5-2010