Too little, too late?
These are stopping words, roadblocks, hurdles on the path to where we should be leaning. I’m guilty of impatience or self doubt when it comes to God’s timing and God’s calling. Too little? Am I really equipped. Am I really enough? Too late? But I am not young Lord. Don’t you need someone who is younger? Someone who is in a different season of life? Absolutely I can get caught up in this not now, not me mindset. When I was busy with a house full of kidlets I doubted if He was calling me. But I went. I stepped up. Driving and coordinating rides for those with medical needs through the HELP program was not only what I was called to do but it impacted my whole family. Taking time out to say yes mattered to all of us. Guess what? None of us went into our day in dirty clothes or with empty bellies. Helping others, saying yes added to our lives rather than depleting them in that busy season.
Let’s address the too little aspect of self doubt. There are times I weep over my broken family rather than rejoicing in my chosen family. That others have allowed me to be a part of their families and walk beside their kids is the greatest honor. I get to be Noni to my heart people. I am enough!
Now for the too late lie that I tell myself. God has perfect timing and it is never too late. My past two years are proof of that. During my Mom’s decline I was available to be with her. When my sister took her for football season God pressed me to move back in a classroom for a semester. Those relationships in that school were right where my retired self needed to be. One of my third graders experienced seizures in our class and soon we found out there was a malignant brain tumor. Visiting her in the hospital was humbling since God allowed me to say yes to teaching and placed me in her families life. The next semester was hard to walk away from my students and coworkers but spending time with my mom was such a gift. The next eight months were mom months and I was home with her until we both went back to my sister’s for her Hospice care. Losing mom the end of July was bittersweet. She only was bed bound for eleven days with all of us beside her. Her last food on this side of heaven was fudge and a rice krispy treat. Her sweet tooth was in place right until the end. When I got home after a quick beach trip to just be in the ocean, I wondered how I could face a season without my Mom or a room full of kiddos. God’s timing was once again perfect. My cousin Beth found out she had cancer. We could not have imagined the journey we were about to take. The truth is my first thought was oh no you didn’t pick me to walk beside her. Did you notice God I just lost my mom who was my best friend. But the path was laid out for us. I would not change one moment of that time with my cousin. Our time and conversations were just what I needed. It certainly was not too little or too late. A few weeks ago Beth joined my Mom in heaven and I will miss them both immensely. But my greatest gift is the connection I had with both of them through those last months. Now I sit in another state, away from my home in New Mexico once again and this time I am waiting to snuggle my 6th grandchild, my 2nd grandson. While I wait because God knows I am impatient, I am able to nanny for my daughter’s 8 year old nanny little boy. Ru has reading challenges so I am loving the opportunity to share some of my strategies with him. I was assured that this is right where I am supposed to be in this moment. Ru and I worked together when I was up here for Thanksgiving The first thing he said to me when I saw him again was that he was sorry for the sinkers and floaters in his homework. Those are letters that are above and below the line. He remembered!!! What I was able to explain was that his writing had improved so much since November and none of us needs perfection. It is a great start to my next steps in this life.
In a couple months I will be back home and enjoying the sunshine of the Southwest. God will guide my steps and I am sure it will be a gift just for me whatever it includes. I am enough and young enough as well. Just you wait and see.
In Him,
Joyful
2-8-20
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