Ten years ago today feels like forever and just like it was yesterday. Losing our son, Ryan had been a path we have walked for the last ten years. This week i reflected on who he was and who we have become from losing him. I had the opportunity to read my journey when Leona took the part of this blog labeled Ryan and made it into a book for me. I must admit that it took me months to finish reading it. Lissa and I read some to each other over FaceTime. That definitely gave me more courage to actually read this window into my heart and my grief. Looking back I see a picture of my own faith and peace that Ryan is more than safe in heaven. It also reveled the healing I have had over the past decade. Just how loved I am from all of you who wrapped your physical arms around me has surrounded me with more love than I could ever imagine. I wrote about unwanted celebrity that I cringed at after Ryan died. The truth is I didn’t want to be that mother who lost her son to suicide. But looking back at this journey shows me how being exactly who I am in this story of my life has brought me love I would never have known without this chapter included. So today I am thankful for the precious years I had with my Ryan but also thankful for this past ten years of reaching out to others and being held up by them through my sorrow.
This is not a story about a mother and her son but a story of everyone who has loved someone and grieved losing them. Last night I realized that tomorrow Natalie will be 30 years old. Reaching a decade birthday is always a big year. 10, 20, 30 and beyond are those milestone years that we celebrate just a bit more than the others. Since Ryan died the day before Natalie’s 20th it will be true throughout my daughter’s life that she will share her decade birthdays with the truth of just how long her brother has not been in her life. It is too much for anyone to handle losing a brother the day before your 20th birthday. No celebrating just anguished tears. Now ten years later we celebrate her day but also wish Ryan could be here to make a most unusual cake recipe for his only sister that he loved.
I imagined what I would say at this last post after a decade without Ryan. All I know is that I am okay while not being okay. I feel loved along with feeling lost. There are less waves of grief now than there were ten years ago but they still come. Thoughts of him are fewer and that makes me sad and angry at times. But the love for him still fills my heart with every heart rock someone gives me or funky recipe I try. Ryan was my heart. He was also the heart of so many who loved him. He will always be a part of our hearts. It makes me smile as I tell stories of his shenanigans and think of him causing a raucous un in heaven. Heaven wouldn’t be heaven if Ryan didn’t get to fish, create recipes, prank his grandma and just encourage others with his smile. I don’t know exactly what heaven looks like for my son or now for my mom but I do know that he makes it a bit brighter even in all its heavenly glory. I am jealous of heaven for getting to have my son instead of me having him here with me. But reading my heart over the past ten years gives me faith that my permanent home will be there with him once again in his mother’s arms. Until then I will smile and enjoy the memories that I wouldn’t want to live without.
In Him,
Joyful
4-5-20
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #668
5 days ago
My heart goes out to you! My dad attempted in 1998 and succeeded in 2008. We watched the Bucket List on my last visit with him two weeks before he was gone. I told him at the top of my list was to go on a mission trip. I went two years after he died and with no intention of adopting, ended up adopting three teenagers from Haiti. Never would have been able to afford the expense if it weren't for money he left me. So many validations from my heavenly father and my earthly father backing this huge decision. I mourn his loss but it clearly led me to make a decision that not only changed my life but that of three others. Praying for you as you celebrate your daughter's 30th birthday!
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