This Week is Ten Years

The past few days I feel myself steeling myself up for the 5th of the month. I seem to look beyond my birthday to the day of Ryan’s departure from this earth and my arms. Sunday will be ten years since the horrific phone call that changed my world. Life has moved past the daily dread of even getting out of bed. This year seems harder than the last few somehow. It may be that being isolated due to this worldwide virus gives me more time to reflect. A friend told me this decade mark is another layer of the onion of grief.

I find myself sort of going over the past ten years and how life has changed and all that has happened in my life. Ryan missed so much. He missed loss of loved ones and the birth of children. He missed his sweet Lissa growing from a five year old into a beautiful, confident young woman. He missed weddings and family trips. He missed his family and we missed him. Every gathering has had a hole where his spark should be. This week I have focused on what Ryan has missed but then my heart will admit that it is really about me missing him. The truth is I want to share life with my son. This sadness is about what I am missing. My son being in my life this past decade has been central to my life. I don’t want to go on without him in my story. I want his goofy smile in my pictures from today not just those from ten years ago. The past few weeks I have been more pouty about the fact that twenty-four years was not enough time with my son. I thought we would have a lifetime together. Truthfully I feel cheated and want someone to take it back. Rewrite the script. There are other things in my life I can work on and change. I can lose weight, spend more time in prayer, exercise more, reach out to friends, and adjust my attitude. Not this. I can’t change that Ryan is gone. I can’t change that life has gone on without him. The truth is I will never hear his voice at the other end of a phone call. Ten years seems like a week and also a lifetime.


The right thing to write here is the positives that have come out of my son’s death. There are certainly relationships and opportunities that are directly because of Ryan. But at this ten year mark the only thing this Mama’s heart is feeling is loneliness for my son. I am back to obsessively watching videos just to see his laugh and the twinkle in his eye. There are days when it feels impossible to get through the next couple of hours without him. Forget about the next ten years. Time has healed but even the healing feels like a betrayal. Like life goes on so did he matter? Did I love him? My head knows the truth that is my mother’s heart. This week I am back to being honest about my grief. Back to saying it is okay not to be at my most productive. This week I will get through another milestone in losing my son. This week I will cling to Ron as we both cling to our faith and every precious photo of our boy.

In Him,
Joyful
4-3-20