Today is April 7th

Today I take a breath. Not that I wasn’t breathing all weekend but I was also holding my breath to get through a difficult time. Walking through Natalie and my birthdays knowing that smack in the middle is the day Ryan died is always a time of mixed emotions. But today I can smile and say I made it through and can take a breath. Ron and I went for a long drive, watched videos of our son and family, and just spent time together holding hands.

I so want to always celebrate Natalie on her birthday and not be a sadsap. So I overdo to make her day a little brighter. Then comes April 7th and I can relax until next year or at least until Ryan’s birthday in March. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not as impacted by the loss of my dad or others that were also a large part of my heart and my life. But there is just something about losing a child especially to suicide. The thing I have always been grateful for is that Ryan knew he was loved unconditionally and that he would be forgiven for even this pain. Not that I believe he intentionally broke my heart but that he know how loved he will always be.

After a weekend of rest I am ready to roll up my sleeves and start ridding out our spare room. There are tangible things I need to hold onto but so many others that I need to give to others who could use them. Today is a day for getting life back on track even if it is at home.due to the Covid virus. Hopefully I will give away more than I keep. I don’t want the burden of stuff to be a distraction to what is important. Memories of those who are no longer here and reaching out to those who are in my life is the new beginning I need today, the seventh of April.

In Him,
Joyful
4-7-20