Choppy Yes, Perfect as Well

I haven’t written since Tuesday. It feels like I put so much pressure on myself to write the post that was the tenth anniversary of Ryan’s death that I was exhausted at the thought of writing or even doing my Bible studies for a few days. But it has been a good week. I am in a healthy place and am just feeling that getting through this past week was as if I trained and ran a marathon. Susi and I have been editing my story of losing my son. It has been so healing first to read my heart then to edit and make it presentable. There is beginning to be a direction on where God is taking my testimony. It is not how I pictured it but that feels like I am stepping out of my will and into His. For example, I really wanted to call my words Heart Shaped Stones. Sort of a double meaning of the heart rocks Ryan brought me and that he loved people so completely that he had heart shaped stones/balls. But Ron suggested the title should be one that people who were grieving would be able to find. So it has morphed to A Mother’s Journey Through the Loss of Her Son  to perhaps A Parent’s Journey Through the Loss of a Child.  What I do know is that this is a thing that God is leading me to complete and share. Thankfully Susi is walking beside me through the process and knows my heart enough to edit but not change my journey. I told her the first post that I wrote the day after Ry died had a bunch of short, choppy sentences. She wisely told me it was a choppy sort of day. We won’t change it because that is just as it should be. Susi is also so much better at editing and finding out rules to make this the way it should be.


Next steps are writing an intro, finishing editing, and sending letters to Christian artists to ask permission to include their lyrics in this story, work with Leona on printing options and how to put on marketing platforms. My hope is that by summer these things will be completed and the three of us can effectively share God’s walk with me through loss with those who need to read it.

 My ten year old grandson was so wise when I read him a blog from a couple months ago. He thoughtfully answered the way I would. It is better to be known well than well known. This book is not about profit or notoriety but about people knowing Jesus better through this window to my heart and my faith. I have always said my life’s goal is to know Him and to make Him known. If I can prevent one person from having to walk through the heart crushing truths of life alone, all this effort will be worth it. What also occurs to me is that Ryan said What Faith Can Do by Kutlass was his life song. My son would be proud of how much Faith can do even in my losing him. Through this book we will see even more of how God can use all things and bring others to cling to Him. I love that. Yes I am smiling as I close this end of the week Good Friday post. I lost my son too soon. God said it was perfect timing and I loved you enough to use even his death to bring others into His arms.

In Him,
Joyful
4-10-20