A 4am wake up call in my head. The wind outside was howling and I just recognized I wasn't going back to sleep. So I stealthily made my way down the stairs so I wouldn't wake up Ronnie B., started the Keurig and picked up my phone. Tanner responded instantly to my text. My nocturnal son was awake and ready to chat. What a gift my internal clock was to wake me up to connect with my son. He shared his hope, faith and love with me in those early hours of the dark. It has been a few weeks since we have spoken so I have been concerned. There is a lot going wrong in his life but I heard hope in his words. The truth is I have been avoiding connecting for fear that I am helpless to fix what is broken in his life. I have been having a difficult time connecting with anyone lately. My own fears and insecurities have paralyzed me from reaching out for the support I need.
My early morning conversation with my son lifted me perhaps even more than it lifted him. I would like to share a few of his encouraging words.
i know i'm a pain in the ass and make you a worry wart, but know i love you more thanany son could love a mom....you really do so much for us. there's nothing we could ever do to pay you back, except to just pay it forward and show other people the kindness and compassion you have shown and taught us to have. I love you. Bethany loves you and says hi. Love you! Enjoy your coffee. I assume you are already up for the day?
Yes, I woke up with you on my heart son and had the courage to text.
Well, I'm glad I was up to talk to you. Love you
Love you my son.
What a gift I receive when I accept God's direction and listen to His prompts. Acting like an ostriich with my head in the sand didn't protect me from fear. Just the opposite, it made me live in the worry that my son was struggling and I was powerless to help. My biggest fear was he had lost hope and the truth is I was losing hope. His words assure me that although things are difficult he is living with hope, faith and sobriety.
In the meantime, I'm praying and going to meetings more regularly. Knowing everything will work out the way God intends.
That makes my heart happy,
He has a plan.
Wisdom from my son and the knowledge that his faith, my faith are the hope we need to lift our heads to Him and know that it will be okay. We just have to lean into what God is doing and love one another.
In Him,
Joyful
4-21-22
You just shared what most parents experience. I think it's so painful to know your child is hurting and you can't make it go away for them.I remember getting calls from my dad out of the blue with "what's going on?". I know now that when I responded with "nothing much" he knew I was lying.
ReplyDelete