I am guilty of throwing the first stone. What shame I have that I have spiraled down into a judgemental person making the actions of others about me. It pushes people far from me when they anticipate every conversation will be a checklist of what they have failed to accomplish or how they fall short.
My daughter has always been the closest person to me. The one that I can be completely unfiltered with in life. But lately we have drifted away from one another. Partly due to her depression but mostly due to my lack of grace for her. When she was a teen, Jesse Gacs pointed out that I have grace for so many others but not so much for Natalie. I am ashamed to say that now that she is in her thirties, this mother of hers is still getting it wrong. Making the ways she doesn't succeed more important than her incredible heart and love for others. Sometimes I need to see her heart regardless of her actions. I know her. I know the faith that lives in my precious girl's heart. But I get bogged down in whether or not the lawn is watered or the dishes are done rather than wrapping my arms around her so she will feel my embrace.
My failures are so much greater than others. As I put them in a position of never being quite good enough. The truth is that is just how I feel~not quite measuring up. How can I expect to have meaningful conversations when I start the conversation with a question that I already know the answer to. Have you done this, have you called them, have you finished this, have you even started that? My questions derail my relationship. That is exactly the way I don't want others to treat me. See me. Don't rush in judging to see where I fall short.
Jesus gave us the example not to condemn over and over again. When the woman caught in adultery was thrown at His feet, He stooped down. Getting on her level was powerful. His telling others that whoever was without sin should cast the first stone dispersed the crowd who were anxious to condemn her. His action of writing in the dirt is much debated. What did He write? Who could even see what was written? I like to think He wrote for her. Listing Her sins then wiping them away and finishing with the one word that matters.........Forgiven.
Patterns are so difficult to change. I write often how I need to shift my own thoughts from judging and condemning to encouraging and supporting. But here I sit once again stewing in my misspoken words and actions. There may never be a day that I get it right. Lay my head on my pillow and think that this was the day. The day I actually lived 1 Corinthians 16:14 that is tattooed on my wrist in my daughter's handwriting. Let love and kindness be the motivation in all you do.
Until that day, I will strive to let my actions be guided by that verse and forgive even me for the times I get it wrong. Grace for others as well as grace for myself is what I need. Asking for forgiveness of my sweet girl and all the others that I see through judgemental eyes rather than with the love that should be what I lead with. I do love others and see all the incredible things about them. But more often than not, I get caught in the one task not done than the sparkling shine on what has been accomplished. Oh how I need prayers for myself and from you to build my relationships on love and acceptance. It seems like the perfect time to call my sweet girl and apologize and start again for the umpteenth time. Thankfully, she is so Christlike in her unlimited forgiveness for her real mom.
Micah Tyler's Different is my hope.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFT0zoKQWaM
In Him,
Joyful
6-5-22
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