Normal To Blog

Desire to write? In the past, I could tell my stress level by how much I was crocheting. No stress-no crocheting, mild stress- crochet like a fiend, high stress- no crocheting. I wish it was the desire to eating that left when I got too much stress.

Now, I am measuring my stress with whether I can write my blog. When my stress was insane I wrote volumes, now that the stress is more up and down I have to force myself to write.

Stress and grief are fickle, just when I think I can't take another breath something makes me smile. Then when I seem to be sane, I hear something that sends my heart sinking. Bristly personality comes out of nowhere. A coworker said she was distracted because she had so much on her plate. WHAT? 'You have a lot on your plate compared to what? I wish I had YoUr problems!' Who am I to judge what others are going through? Why do I think I am the only 1 hurting? I don't want to be this self centered.

Lisa said we need the minimum of a year to feel normal. That was such an incredible gift. It is okay to not be okay. I am not okay. My life is not okay. I don't want to play. I can't pick up the phone or go out for coffee. I can't sympathize with others or enjoy the park sounds behind my house.

Okay, I will do my life normal again someday, but today I will smile at Ryan's pictures and then cry in Ron's arms. The death of my son is my life now but it will take time to believe that this reality is the 1 I am living, not just today, but for all my tomorrows.

In Him,

Joyful at times
5-7-2010