Trapped In A Crowd, Twice

Somedays I just have to get through. The last 2 days have been get through days for me. Stuck in rooms full of people while the topic of losing a son and suicide came up. No escape route while the tears silently streamed down my face.

Last night at Young Life with a room full of teens after a blast the talk was on Jesus raising a mom's son from death to return him to her arms. This was followed by a powerful song by 3rd Day, Cry Out To Jesus. The video was intense and my tears flowed as I battled to remain quiet since this was for each person  to absorb and not just about me. I was sitting next to a 15 year old who could relate to the verse about children without homes since she spent 2 years of her life living in a car with her mom and sister. So the line about losing a loved 1 too soon or the 1 about addictions brought me to tears but I was not the only 1 in the room relating personally to those lyrics. Jesus is there for each of us to meet us just where we need Him.

Today at our staff meeting after a great day with my students I was caught by surprise when the safety plan for our elementary school had a whole section on handling suicides and attempts with weapons. I sat there in the library surrounded by books and colleagues while my tears rolled once again. It felt too conspicuous to get up and walk across the room to disappear so I just sat there trying not to feel what I was feeling.

Tonight, I am emotionally spent, exhausted and numb. I can't imagine getting up in the morning and facing all my responsibilities. My calendar is jammed full for the next 2 weeks with so many worthy activities but my heart says retreat, stay in bed, don't get trapped in another room where I can't escape or scream or throw something at the wall.

My heart is broken but most of the time I can put on the face that says I am okay. No one can see my emotional crutches, no one thought to protect me or warn me about the content of these 2 talks. Why would they? Neither talk was about me. But I shouldn't have been exposed to them, shouldn't have been a part of them. I am not ready, I may not ever be ready.

I will pray for strength, courage, and energy to get through the tomorrows that will surely come. Until then, I will try to sleep and stay home if I must. Grief like life should be lived honestly, so if I honestly can't handle being out of bed tomorrow then I will just choose to stay in bed.

In Him,
Joyful
10-26-2010