Saturday, October 1, 2016

Natalie's Open Heart

I am so honored to have Miss Natalie as my daughter. Her open heart to share her joy and pain is beautifully shared below. I thank her for sharing so openly and allowing me to share her thoughts here.

This is not something I usually do. I don't post real glimpses of my soul on the internet. People don't always respond to the gritty or the ugly. We like perfectly composed photos where the light is hitting just right, with a caption that is so vague but somehow moving.

I've felt a pull for awhile now to write about something real. I get the sense that most people that know me view me as being someone who is overflowing with joy, but there is so much more than that...there usually is. You may think that I'm a Christian, and that I have all of my beliefs all sorted out and full of passion. The truth is, I have struggled for the past 10 years through crippling depression and anxiety. It was horrible. I didn't know who I was, and I definitely didn't know who God was. My heart has always known that he is real, and every once in a while I would be shrouded in light and life would be vivid and overwhelming beautiful. Most of the time though my feelings about God stopped in my heart. It's as though I had a mental block. I wanted God to appeal to my intellect. I wanted God to heal me. I wanted my brother to not pull the trigger, I wanted my family to be whole. I wanted to be ok. I felt insane. I felt so alone. I worked and killed myself just trying to be a human. I've always felt as though everyone else was handed a conveniently detailed guidebook on how to "human" and I just forgot my library card. 

A few days ago, something happened. I was spiraling in anxiety. There I was sitting cross legged on my bed staring at myself in the mirror trying to figure out what brought me to that very moment. In the same instant my spirit and my mouth said the same words:"Holy Spirit I trust you." In that moment I jumped I was so startled. Music began blaring out of my phone. It was a worship song that I know so well. God met my surrender instantaneously. It's not as though i had been listening to music earlier and it was just a coincidence. No it was Jesus, and he is real. 

For me to say that without any hesitation or doubt is so beautiful. I can now say that I am ok. I may have a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I know what love is. 

Guys...God is real. He doesn't want to judge you or make you stop doing bad things. No, it's so much more than that. He just wants to love you and let experience the craziness that is his love. It's better than any feeling, any drug, any sunset I've ever seen. It's fullness like you've never experienced. It's not an empty idea. It's a real flowing furious love.

In Him,

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