Don’t Rally and Tally

Forgiving others is the most precious gift we can give ourselves. Forgiveness is not easy. It is one of the most difficult acts we can do. But forgiveness can’t be a quick, glossed over thought. Forgiving someone for a hurt they have wounded our hearts with is a process. We need to go through that process to truly forgive and move on to a place where we can reestablish a relationship beyond the pain.

In my teaching a class with students who had severe behaviors there were times when my staff and I had to restrain a child. The restraint was to prevent them from harming themselves or others. Those were emotionally and physically exhausting times. What was the most powerful impact of our training to properly restrain a student was not the part that taught us to do it with our injuring the child or getting injured ourselves. The crucial part of the training was the last piece where you rebuild the relationship through empathy and understanding. Without the forgiveness piece there would be a breach between us that would make it impossible to move forward. A part of this rebuilding is understanding that actions are not about us but rather about the brokenness in the child and the circumstance. Reflecting on these allows us to have compassion rather than anger at the actions that are involved.

Forgiveness in life is the same. When we think about the why of someone’s actions rather than just reacting we can respond with compassion rather than anger or hurt. It is much more complicated outside the classroom and with other adults and loved ones. But responding more intentionally with a thoughtful understanding helps us not hold onto the hurt. I know personally I am too quick to react by being offended and that is when I can jump to my emotionally crazy place. When I take the time to process the situation and try to see it from both sides I can avoid the crazy altogether. The fact is that often others are offended by me without me even knowing or intending to upset them. Just in living we misinterpret each other’s words and actions. So much better to process after to really see what the heart is and then we can move on and not blow a connection out of the water.

Lysa Terherst says when we engage in the process of forgiveness it prevents us from going to the place of RALLY AND TALLY. We rally others to get our posse to be as offended and outraged as we are. Sometimes we even do this with the cover of praying for the person who wronged us. That makes us feel better about our gossiping. The tally part is when we go back over all the awful things the offending party has done to us and others. This makes us more justified in our outrage. Proof that they are horrible and we are so wronged once again by them.

What a negative swirl of emotions we surround ourselves with when we knee jerk rather than reflect on a situation and come to a place of compassion and forgiveness. This doesn’t mean we agree with their actions but rather we look at the whole circumstance and move on. I hold on for days, weeks and years to a misspoken word that the other person may not have intentionally pierced me with. One of my favorite uncles made a ‘fat’ comment to me at a family reunion a decade ago. My reaction was to trash all the wonderful moments with him and despise him for his judging my size. I am the one who lost this man that I love in my own mind. The truth is I don’t even remember his words only my reaction and feelings about what he said. He has no idea that I held on to resentment toward him for so many years. This is mine to own, mine to forgive. I have rallied and tallied over this and drawn others into my offended side. Basically, I took a few words and blew it up into a storm of resentment. How much simpler it would have been to tell Uncle Kenny that his words hurt my feelings. Let him apologize with a hug and let our love be at the center of my heart this past decade. Hmmm lesson learned for next time? Probably not but I am working on it.

In Him,
Joyful
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