Celebrating With Moments of Grief

Since 1990 I have been lucky enough to share my birthday week with my Natalie. Blowing out candles and wishing for a baby girl on April 4th is what God used to bring our sweet daughter into our lives only two days later. On the 5th we went to my Grandfather’s funeral and my cousin told us about Natalie’s birthmom. What a wonderful addition to our family.

Nine years ago we lost our precious son, Ryan, on the 5th of April right between our birthdays. At first I was convinced that our birthdays would be sad days forever forward. Natalie and I decided to change the narrative and believe that Ry wrapped his trip heavenward in our birthdays. So now we have three celebrations in early April and celebrate Ryan’s too short life on the 5th right between celebrating the two of us.

Natalie and Nate gave me a book on Pronoia yesterday. I just completed a writing challenge where I had to write not once but twice about this word I had never heard before. It is the opposite of paranoia. Believing that everything and everyone is out to bless us. I love that. It seems that is what we did with losing our Ryan. We could wallow in our grief today or reflect on his smile and all the memories we have with him.  Of course I hate that my Ry is not here in his daughter’s life and with all of us. There is so much he has missed by being gone too soon. But I love that we have pictures, videos, and memories to share on this day that has become Ry’s day.

One of the best things about today is sharing my love for my son with others who loved him just as much and still remembers. The connections to those people is my warm hug on this day and everyday throughout the year. Yesterday Natalie found me not one but two heart rocks on the shores of Lake Crescent where we are staying. I love that I still get heart rocks even though Ry is not here to find them for me.

Today waves of grief will be a part of my day but so will connections with others and beautiful memories of a little brown eyed boy and a thoughtful brown eyed man. I love you my son. I miss you my Ryan.

In Him,
Joyful
4-5-19