A Decade of Blogs, A Decade of Sharing My Heart

My blog is my legacy, my therapy, my heart. What I don’t want my blog to be is a heartbreak after I am gone. Leona is putting my blog in order so it can be printed out and read from day one. My fear is that there will be more about some in my life and less about others. One thing my blog has always been is the writing of what is in my heart. Absolutely it is more about those I spend time with and those I worry about. But that does not translate to these are my favorites or that others are not on my mind or in my heart. These words would not work if I tried to get legalistic and say today I am writing about.................... My blog is not an assignment but a gift God gave me a decade ago. What I want is for it to be a gift to others as well. When Ron’s mom died we clung to every word she wrote and so enjoyed reliving the thoughts she shared. I pity those who will read through my blog of 10 years now. Thankfully I have not always prioritized writing it each and every morning. Could you imagine how many entries that would be? 3650! Thankfully it is more like 1300 and counting. That is still too much to read in one setting. Heather Ortega would disagree.

I write. It is my thing that keeps me sane. Sometimes I whine. Sometimes I shine. But when I look back I know God taught me lessons through this blog. My stubbornness caused me to repeat over and over some of my desires to change. Too often I lost focus or had to let something hit my heart again and again. The truth is I will always be a jealous person with a measuring stick of how much time I get to spend with those I love. But I pray I am maturing into someone who at least doesn’t pout about it as much. When I was young I used to pray to be gentle and kind. Through the years I came to realize God could use me if I was loud, crazy and generous. He had others like Donna Schaefer who are gentle and kind. It is for me to be who he made me to be and gentle has just never been a word that describes me. No matter how much we pray God won’t answer our prayers if it is to be filled with someone else’s gift. So here I sit finally being more comfortable being who he made me to be. One of the me traits I love is that I take after my Dad in being generous. Although I lust for other people’s time, I don’t lust for material things. There are few possessions that possess me. Okay, the last heart rock Ryan gave me is something I would never share. But mostly I don’t attach to objects so I could gladly give most things away.

With my own insecurity about being left out, it breaks my heart to think that those I love may read my words and feel lesser because of them. There is no way I can count the times I write and even it out. Ron worked tirelessly to make sure everyone had the same amount of pictures in my Mom’s slideshow at her memorial. It was exhausting. My routine is to get up, get coffee, do my Bible study and then write what God puts on my heart. I try to step out of the way and let the words just flow. Usually I don’t really know where my thoughts are headed when I start and often I am surprised where they end up. Today I thought I was writing about Leona gifting me with my blog in readable form and here I am qualifying what it is with a worry about how it will be received. Rather than celebrating my writing for a decade I am filled with fear that my words could hurt. This makes me so sad. But I won’t hit the delete button because this blog, these words represent my heart for a decade. I am so proud that I listened to His calling and wrote. Leona printed my blogs about losing my son and gave it to me for Christmas. We both cried at the weight of this precious gift. The truth is I have never read my words, my heart. Looking at how God and those I love wrapped their arms around me even 24 hours after my son took his life was like reading someone else’s words. The words were beautiful. The love that surrounded me came through with clarity. You would think it would be hard to read and relive that time in my life. But what is clear through my words is the love and support I felt. Maybe this is one more way God has for me to know I have nothing to be jealous of and everything to be thankful for.

In Him,
Joyful
2-4-20